


The Dysfunctional Duo

by SolidCoffee



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, tags for characters and relationships will be added when they show up, the harley/joker relationship follows the au version not the canon version, this originally was played for laughs but i started to really get invested
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 07:53:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7676302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolidCoffee/pseuds/SolidCoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After one too many lost battles, the Joker is attempting to reform with the help of Batman. The problem is that the both of them are doing kind of a bad job of making it work.<br/>***On hiatus until possibly sometime in or after August***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Would you look at that

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about this idea for days now and I love it. I don't know how in character I'll be able to make them since I don't think it's very in character for them to do this, but I don't care. I thought it'd be funny.  
> And right now I haven't written anything so here's a picture I drew of this idea.

                                                            


	2. Playlists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated or posted anything, I just haven't known what to do or write but I promise I've been trying and I want to write more I've just been really busy anyway here's wonderwall
> 
> Well they're playlists based on this AU I guess lol

**[The Dysfunctional Duo](http://8tracks.com/solidcoffee/the-dysfunctional-duo) **

 

**[Joker and Harley Go On a Roadtrip](http://8tracks.com/solidcoffee/joker-and-harley-go-on-a-roadtrip) **

 


	3. Art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just going to be a place for art I make for it so ta-da

**[Link to all my art I've done for TDD](https://anti-solidcoffee.tumblr.com/tagged/tdd) **

 

A kind of poster thing for it

  

 

Happy one year anniversary, you ridiculous story


	4. Well, Well, Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's meetup time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da  
> Edit: I went over this chapter again and kind of switched some stuff around since I'm going back through the story and fixing it a bit

The Joker had fought back harder than normal that night. Batman still took him down, but they were both in need of care afterwards - though, as usual, the Joker required it more so.

With the last punch, the Joker hit the wall of the warehouse, but he didn’t push off or move to fight back. Instead, he smiled and laughed before sinking down to the floor. He laughed to the point Batman almost did something about it.

“Hoooo…” the Joker said, putting his head in his hands. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Batman asked. “Keep losing?”

“No, keep trying to win.” He took his hands away from his face to look at the Caped Crusader. Blood from his hands smeared on part of his face, but it didn’t appear to bother him. He was busy concentrating on keeping his fading smile. “Every time I set up a joke like this, I end up being the punchline.”

“Did you finally hit your breaking point?”

With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair. “No, I hit that a long time ago. I think this is what you would call ‘A Moment of Clarity’. Maybe you knocked my brain back into place with that last punch of yours.”

“Didn’t think it was possible to hit that hard.”

“You underestimate yourself.” He stared into space. “And I overestimate myself.” He laughed and put his head in his hands again. “I know this is a conversation but I still feel like I’m monologuing - I promise there’s no giant hammer at the end of this to smash you to bits.”

A lull in the conversation took over, both parties being unsure of what to do next.

“Are you serious about this, Joker?” Batman said.

The Joker put his hands down and cringed. “Oooh, don’t put me and that word in the same sentence.”

“I want to know if you really want help or not. I’m not trying to patronize you.”

“I know, I know.” He wiped the blood from a cut on his cheek. “This situation is just odd for me. Do you have therapy sessions with your arch enemies often? Or am I just an exception?”

“Depends on the enemy.” Batman was worn out and tired of standing, but sitting down or leaning on anything might make the Joker feel like he had an opportunity to do…something. It was unlikely, as far as Batman could tell, that he would try anything with the state he was in. But he still wanted this to be over for the night. “I have a proposal.”

“Oh? Who’s the lucky girl? Is it me?”

“Are you going to listen or not?”

The Joker sighed. “Fine. What is it?”

“You go to Arkham. You stay there for a month. If you behave and still want my help, then we can talk more.”

“‘If you behave’, what am I? A dog?”

“If everything goes well, I’d like to treat you like a human being.”

A pause. The Joker stared off to his left, weighing his choices. He was the Clown Prince of Crime, for crying out loud. A chance to be Batman’s partner should never come up as an honest idea. And yet, there he was. The prospect of this idea actually seemed appealing, and he sat wondering if he should take it. A few more moments of consideration passed before he decided. He shook his head and threw up his hands. “Alright. Take me away, Batsy.”

 

And now there they were, barely over a month to the day.

Or at least, Batman was there. The Joker hadn’t shown up yet. But Batman knew he was on his way.

Instead, he looked over Gotham. The city seemed calm for once, but Batman knew to never trust that feeling. The city was always quiet when he perched on a building this tall. The cars were toys from this height, and only the occasional honk could be heard. The darkness engulfed everything besides the streets. No one could see Batman watching on this dark, cloudy night. That was how it-

_ SLAM _ .

He peered over his shoulder. The door to the roof of the building was wide open, and in the doorway was a man in a purple suit with bright green hair, bent over and breathing heavy. Batman returned to the cityscape before him.

“You’re late,” he said.

Amidst the wheezing came the Joker’s voice, though not as impactful or intimidating as he would have prefered. “The elevators… weren’t working… and I had to… to take the stairs… how did you get up here so fast?”

“I have my ways.” Batman replied.

“I’m too out of shape to meet you on buildings like this. Wouldn’t it be easier to meet on level ground? Like a bank?” The Joker walked over and leaned on the marble half wall surrounding the roof top. The city below him only held his interest for a short time before he got bored and moved on.

“A carnival would have been inconspicuous.”  Batman said.

“For you certainly.”

The wind took a hold on their conversation and carried it off as it passed. The silence soon became awkward with the two rivals who didn’t entirely know what they wished to accomplish there. Perhaps it was a one time deal, perhaps it was something more permanent. 

The Joker turned over to lean back on the marble and get a better look at Batman. Decked out in the usual getup, no surprise there. His eyes were focused on the city as if he didn’t believe any tricks would be pulled during their little meeting. It would have been so easy to just push him off his perch, but this wasn’t their usual game of cat and mouse. They weren’t Batman and the Joker tonight. They were just two...“old friends”...with an issue to discuss. A proposition brought up not too long ago that finally needed to be addressed.

“Why are we here, Batsy?” He asked. He knew very well why they were there, but he wasn’t too keen on admitting it himself. “We’re at the top of one of the tallest buildings in Gotham. Together. Alone. I know we talked about this beforehand, but this could easily just be a trick by you to toss me to the mercy of the streets so far below us.”

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“Then why are we here? A therapy session to settle all our past grievances? Girl talk with a side of cinematic scenery?” The Joker leaned over a bit towards the caped crusader. “You said we could help each other, but I don’t see how this is helping either of us.”

“I wanted to talk to you in private.”

“We could have just as easily met at my warehouse. You already know where that is and I wouldn’t have had to climb so many stairs.” No response. He threw his arms out and looked around the rooftop. “Well we’re in private now! Go ahead and talk before I start my eternal descent down the stairs and die of exhaustion at the halfway point.”

“I offered to help you and you said you were willing to take it.” It was the Joker’s turn to stay quiet. “I figured the easiest way to help you was if you helped me keep this city safe. We’d work together - you wouldn’t have to be public about it if you didn’t want to. You could wear a disguise or something if you really wanted.”

“So what? You want me to dress up like Robin and jump around the city after you? I don’t think that’d fare well for either of our reputations.”

“I’m not saying you have to do that. You just need to help me. It’d give you a taste of being the one to put the criminals away instead of getting put away yourself.”

“You make it sound like a bad thing.”

“It is a bad thing, Joker.”

“I’ve been through worse.”

“You’ve dealt worse.”

He was quiet. Both of the men looked at each other. The scars from a month prior were still visible on their faces. A few had managed to fade in that time, but plenty were still obvious.

The Joker sighed, then leaned back on the marble wall and stared off at the cityscape before them. “So what are we waiting for? A scream from the streets below or something more formal? A sign from the heavens, perhaps?”

Not too far from the building the pair waited on, a beam of light shot into the sky. The Bat Signal shone from the police department’s roof and onto the clouds like the moon. Batman and the Joker stared at it.

“Well,” the Joker said. “What timing.”

“Let’s go,” Batman said, running to the side of the building adjoined to the alleyway and jumping off. The Joker ran over and looked down. He saw a faint shadow making its way down the walls and fire escapes to the ground.

“Why do you go where I can’t follow?” He shouted. The echo of a response was exactly what the Joker didn’t want to hear.

“Use the stairs.”

The Joker groaned and glared at the door to the stairs, paused, then begrudgingly heading for them.


	5. How Hard Can it Be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's all drive the batmobily wheely and then kick some bad guys in the face, but together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to get these written and posted faster, but I have no idea how the next chapter's gonna go down so we'll see how everything goes lol
> 
> Edit: I merged this one and the chapter that used to be after it because it worked better with them as one

The Joker had seen the Batmobile plenty of times before, so seeing it in that alley shouldn’t have been all that exciting. In fact, it wasn’t really. But there was something about the fact that he was getting into the Batmobile willingly and that Batman was _letting_ him that just, excited him. Though, as he thought about it, maybe it wasn’t excitement. Maybe it was the intense discord of this situation getting to him. Not that he had an issue with discord and chaos - which is probably why, in the end, he got in the Batmobile. Probably.

The inside was black - of course.

“I know you’ve got a schtick going on but can’t you lighten it up a little sometimes?” The Joker asked.

Batman turned the key in the ignition. Little lights and screens lit up on the dashboard. Unfortunately, all the light seemed wasted on the darkness of the black, leather interior, but the attempt was there.

The Joker stared at him and raised a curious eyebrow. “Was the pun intended?”

“Put your seatbelt on.” Batman said as the Batmobile sped out of the alley. The Joker made no move for his seatbelt.

“You are really not much of a conversationalist.”

The Batmobile shrieked to a halt and the Joker lurched forward. His head smacked the dashboard, and after a yelp and a quick hand to the forehead, he reached back for his seatbelt.

“Fine, fine.” He said. “Can we please go save the day now?”

The Batmobile continued on.

The Joker noticed that the Batmobile was much quieter than most any other car he had been in before. It was almost underwhelming. A bit eerie, too. Still, this was the Batmobile - _the_ Batmobile. He’d been in it before - unconscious and arrested - but now he was just...in it. On purpose. Invited by Batman.

The discord tugged at his mind again.

As did the silence. Was Batman going to say anything or were they just supposed to sit there? Quiet? The Joker was used to chatter and commotion when he was executing his plans and schemes. Goons and henchmen making sure everyone knew the plans and Harley - of course Harley - would be talking his ear off. He always found it a bit annoying, but he’d definitely take it over this silence.

Did Robin ever have to deal with this? Probably not.

“I’m going to park an alley or two over. You’re not allowed to leave the car until I get back.” Batman said.

“What?” The Joker said. “You’re not going to introduce me to your friends? I mean I’ve already met Commissioner Gordon but-”

“Stop talking.”

“Alright.”

Shouldn’t have pushed that button.

They approached an alley and the Batmobile backed into it. Batman exited the Batmobile and the Joker rolled the window down to stick his head out. “You’re really leaving me here?”

“Don’t touch anything.” He said. The Joker jumped as the door locks clicked and the window rolled back up in record time. Then the engine quieted down, though it wasn’t entirely off. He watched from the car as Batman virtually glided up the side of the building on the right.

“Oh of course,” the Joker said to himself. “He wants to make an entrance.”

He didn’t see why they couldn’t have made an entrance in the car, but that probably wouldn’t have been ‘edgy’ enough for Batman’s tastes.

His attention drifted to the buttons on the console, now dimmed. Did Batman seriously think he wasn’t going to touch them?

Of course not.

This became obvious when the first twenty he pressed did absolutely nothing.

Would he have to wait here the whole time? Undoubtedly. If he got out and followed Batman he’d be arrested on sight - he did just break out of Arkham again and was sort of a ‘man at large’.

Perhaps that’s what the signal had been for. How awkward it’d be for Batman to tell Commissioner Gordon he’d keep an eye out for the man locked in the passenger seat of his car just a few alleys over.

The Joker wished he could have been there to see it.

The next few minutes passed with relative slowness and silence. The idling engine provided a nice sort of white noise, but it wasn’t-

_THUD._

The noise startled the Joker enough to make him jump.

Someone was on top the Batmobile.

Perhaps this was his chance to do something and prove to Batman how dedicated he was probably going to be to this thing for a bit - or for however long he decided. He could fight off whoever was on top the Batmobile and then they could have him arrested and no one would question them working together and he’d be a hero immediately and not have to do all the work that went into it and…

The person who landed on the Batmobile was Batman. Right. Of course it was.

“You almost gave me a heart attack!” The Joker said as Batman got into the car.

“Good.” He said, receiving a frown from the Joker that he then ignored. He started the engine up again and the lights on the dashboard lit up.

“So...where are we going?” The Joker asked as the Batmobile pulled out of the alley.

“There’s a hostage situation at a bank not far from here. We’re going over there and putting a stop to it and make sure no one gets hurt.”

“That’s a tall order for my first day.”

“Get used to it.”

 

When Batman and Joker arrived, the police had already surrounded the bank the criminals and hostages were in. Rather than bursting through the front doors of the bank, Batman found a different way into it by going through the parking garage underneath it. As they drove down into it, the Joker slouched down as far as he could in the passenger seat as they passed the police guarding the entrance - not that they would be able to see him with how dark the windows of the Batmobile were.

“You’re sure there’s no cops in there?” Joker asked, refusing to sit up even after they got past the entrance. Whether it was due to him not wanting to be seen working with Batman or he didn’t want to get arrested, Batman wasn’t sure.

“There’s no guarantee, but I figured there’d be less here than if we went straight through the front doors.” Batman said. He stopped the car and began pressing the buttons on the dashboard. “And I had a good feeling that jumping across rooftops wasn’t your style after that fit you threw about the stairs.”

“It wasn’t a fit, I just don’t like stairs.”

Batman finished with the buttons and put his hand on the handle of the door. “Alright, when we get out we’ve got five minutes to get to the main room, 30 minutes to deal with the hostage takers, and then five minutes to get back to car.”

“What’s with the time limit?” The Joker, after making sure there were no officers nearby, put his hand on his own door’s handle.

“The lights are going to go out and the cameras are going to shut off. That way they don’t see us coming and you don’t have to worry about being seen.”

The Joker looked at Batman. “That’s all for me? How thoughtful of you.”

“You need to focus on arresting the hostage takers, and it’s harder to do that if you’re worried about anyone seeing you.”

The Joker paused. “That’s actually very considerate.”

“If this is going to work, it has to be.” Batman said. “Are you ready?”

The Joker gave Batman a shrug that took his whole body to make. “Heck if I know, let’s find out!”

 

When the lights went off in the bank, the robbers went into panic mode. They knew what was coming. They were hoping that with the escape of the Joker, Batman would have his hands full, but apparently he had enough free time to arrest them instead.

Two robbers stood back to back in the middle of the hostages they forced onto the floor. Two more were back at the vault. The final one was going back and forth between the groups. The only light came from the police cars outside. Any movement was only seen through strobe light-like stills.

And then there he was. Perched on the top of the bank counter like a gargoyle. Right out of thin air and between the flashes of light.

The gunshots began. It didn't deter Batman aside from ducking out of the way. It didn't bother whoever joined the fight with him either. The robber going back and forth between the groups attempted to fire on the pair. Whoever joined Batman grabbed him and aimed the shot at the two robbers with the hostages. A third of the bullets managed to hit one robber and the rest hit the other. The two fell down to the ground. Batman and the his shadowy sidekick took out that first robber, then a gruff voice cut through the room.

"Get out of the building," Batman said. The hostages proceeded out of the building as quick as they could. A few heard him berating whoever worked with him for shooting towards the hostages as they left.

One of the robbers from the back came out to help. He stepped into the main room. A fist smashed into his jaw and his gun was ripped from his hands. A few more hits and he was down.

The noise echoed back to the last robber who stopped trying to get through the vault door. He pulled out a flashlight from his bag. When he clicked it on, he found the light only showed him what he wasn't looking for - a pair of black boots. No doubt Batman’s. Then a different foot kicked him so hard in the face it broke his nose.

The final robber was dragged into the main room and dropped on top of the others. He curled up where he got dropped, clutching his face in pain and watching as both Batman and the man with the nightmarish smile that haunted Gotham headed off to the back entrance of the building.

 

As soon as the Joker and Batman had reached the Batmobile and sat down in it, the lights flipped back on again. The Joker was still giggling in his seat after the fighting, but Batman had no will to reciprocate this feeling.

"You can't shoot people when we're doing this, even if they’re the one holding the gun." He said. The Joker turned to look at him, still smiling. "You could have hit one of the hostages, I'd be more shocked if you didn't."

"Would you calm down?" The Joker said. "I mean we stopped them didn't we? And don't I get...a mulligan or something? I am a recovering bad guy after all."

"No, you don't. You need to learn this now or you'll never learn it." He said. He still hadn't turned to look at the Joker, which was a good thing since the Joker was rolling his eyes when he spoke. "I don't allow guns and I don't allow killing, you should know that."

"It wasn't my gun."

"Doesn't matter. It's the policy and you need to learn it. The sooner the better."

The Joker crossed his arms and huffed. "Fine. We'll do it _your_ way. The boring, ineffective in the long run way."

Batman looked over at the Joker who now turned away. It was only slightly surprising that he hadn't gotten shot in the fight, but Batman knew him to be an elusive man, so it wasn't a full shock. At some point he had gotten hit across the face with one of the robber's guns and it left a scrape across his cheek, which oddly pleased Batman. If they'd be working together from then on, there was going to be less of a chance to hit him himself - and that may have been the greatest drawback to this deal. He still had a lot of pent up aggression towards the Joker after all.

Batman started up the Batmobile again.

“Where are we going now?” The Joker asked.

“Wherever we’re needed.” Batman said.

“Great. I love unspecified vagueness. It’s my favorite place.”

“Stop talking or we’ll be going to the very specific Arkham Asylum.”

The Joker went quiet.


	6. You Say That Like It’s a Bad Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker's hosting poker night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so long it doubled the word count and then some

The rest of the night had gone fine. Nothing major occurred since Batman made Joker sit in the car for...well...basically everything after the bank. It felt sort of pointless to the Joker to be there in the first place if he was just going to sit on the sidelines the whole time. Batman insisted - whenever Joker got him to say anything - that it was so the Joker could observe how he worked. The Joker believed, on the other hand, it was so that he wouldn’t kill anyone again.

During the rest of the week, they only worked together two more times. It was still rather uneventful, but he did do more. And he hit a new record - he only killed one person both times.

But on the following Tuesday night, he wasn’t working with Batman. Oh no. He refused to work with Batman that night.

Because it was poker night. And no one skips poker night.

Well, if they’ve been arrested they can skip poker night. But other than that no one skips poker night. No one.

Yet by the end of the night, the Joker wished he would’ve skipped poker night.

“You ready to give me all your money?” Catwoman said after she kicked the door to the Joker’s warehouse open. The Riddler trailed in behind her with his hands in his pockets. They always showed up early when he was hosting since it was practically a tradition to harass him before the night began. The two of them were decked out in full costume as usual - not that it mattered. They all knew each other’s identities anyway. Well, as far as they _could_ know Joker’s identity.

He stared down at her from the second story catwalk. “Only if you’re ready to give me yours, Selina!”

“Oh please, the last time either of you won a game of poker was back when we were still playing with Two-Face.” The Riddler said.

“It was easier to count cards then.” Catwoman said.

The Joker descended a metal staircase, carrying a metal box holding the cards and chips underneath his arm. “Eddie, didn’t I ban the backstabbing heathen’s name from being uttered in my warehouse?”

“Yeah, but you know I’m right.” The Riddler said. He and Catwoman navigated through the towers of wooden crates towards the center of the warehouse where a round poker table sat. The green felt must have been replaced, because after the previous week’s game there was no way it could have been recovered. Hopefully the Riddler had learned his lesson and would be better at hiding his cheating from Poison Ivy this time. The cuts and bullet scuffs were still present on the wood though, which was nice to see. There was a lot of nostalgia in each violent mark on the table.

“Well maybe I don’t want you to be.” The Joker said, also approaching the table. He set the equally scuffed metal box in the center of it and flicked it open.

“So how’d you get the table back from Penguin this time?” Catwoman asked, sitting down in one of the mismatched chairs surrounding the table. While the table may have endured, the chairs certainly didn’t. “I’m especially curious since you weren’t here for last week’s, being in Arkham and all.”

“Same way I always do,” the Joker said, taking a seat across from Catwoman. He began to pull out the chips and cards from the box. “When he’s asleep.”

“So brave of you to go out in the middle of the day.” The Riddler said. He sat down next to Catwoman. “Don’t his henchmen give you problems?”

“Half of them used to work for me, just like how half of mine used to work for him.” The Joker said. “It’s pretty easy to get them off my case if they already know what I’m capable of.”

“Where are your henchmen tonight anyway? There was literally no one outside and I don’t see anyone in here.” Catwoman asked.

“I sent them home. It’s not like any of you are gonna try to blow my warehouse up or something, right?” The Joker laughed, which sparked a laugh out of Catwoman and the Riddler, too. He started to shuffle one of the card decks from the box.

“What if Batman shows up? I’m sure he’s heard about you getting out of Arkham by now.” The Riddler reached over and pulled out another deck of cards to shuffle himself.

“He won’t come by.” The Joker said.

“How do you know that?” The Riddler asked.

“Just trust me on this one, alright?” The Joker set the deck on the table and grabbed the last one from the box. “I’ve got a pretty good hunch that he’s not gonna bother me for a while.”

“You certainly sound confident in that.” Catwoman reached over for the deck the Joker just sat down to shuffle again. She slouched down in her chair with her feet pressing against the table so she didn’t slide right off the chair and onto the floor.

“I have a good reason to be.” He said. The Riddler and Catwoman both raised an eyebrow. The Joker looked up at them and stopped shuffling for a moment, then  he went back to shuffling.

“Oh no,” Catwoman said. “You’re not gonna let that one slide.”

“What?” The Joker asked.

“What do you mean you have ‘a good reason’?” The Riddler asked. “Did you get some sort of tip or something? Are you tracking him?”

“You’re his arch enemy. He’s not gonna rest until he gets you back in Arkham again.” Catwoman said. “Speaking of which, you were in there for a long time.”

“Yeah, a whole month.” The Riddler said. “Pretty sure that’s a new record for you. Didn’t Harley ever try to get you out or anything?”

“Oh she tried. She tried a lot.” The Joker said.

Catwoman exchanged a glance with the Riddler before she spoke. “Then why didn’t you leave?”

The Joker set the cards on the table and leaned back in his chair, setting his ankle on the opposite leg’s knee as he stared at his two friends.

Anytime there was a major secret to be inquired about, it’d come out during poker. It was part of their rules. Whoever won could ask anyone whatever they wanted - secret plans, identities, whatever - and it was required the person in question would need to tell the truth (though, in most cases, it was debatable whether they really did or not). The problem was, the Joker was starting to wonder if it’d be better to just tell them now and make the inevitable reveal during poker less shocking to at least half the table, or to wait. Catwoman and the Riddler were probably the two who’d take it best anyway. Catwoman was dating Batman, and the Riddler...well...he’s at least the Joker’s second “best friend”. They’d certainly not take it as bad as Poison Ivy would (because she hated the Joker and anything that came from his mouth) or the Penguin (who was the Joker’s “best friend”, even though their relationship was just as rocky as the last cliff the Joker was thrown off - coincidentally, he was thrown off the cliff in question by the Penguin).

The Joker stared up at the ceiling and sighed. “I’m working with Batman.”

Though he expected an outburst intense enough to bring the warehouse down, he received no response. He looked back at Catwoman and the Riddler, who were both just staring at him with wide eyes.

Then their responses came, all at once.

“Are you serious?” The Riddler asked.

“What?” Catwoman asked.

“How?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know-” The Joker said, pointing at Catwoman. Then he pointed at the Riddler. “-and I’m not really sure.”

“When did this happen?” Catwoman asked.

“About a month ago.” The Joker said. “He punched me really hard in the face.”

“And that made you want to work with him?” The Riddler asked.

“Look,” he said. “He hit me really, really hard.”

The Riddler and Catwoman just sat back in their chairs and stared off, trying to take it all in. The Joker leaned against the table and held his head up in his hand while he picked poker chips out of the box.

“Is there an end goal to this?” The Riddler asked. “Are you trying to get something from him or…?”

“I don’t know.” The Joker said. “I’m not even sure why I’m doing it in the first place. He’s even the one who offered it.”

The sound of the metal doors of the warehouse opening up echoed and filled the room - no doubt it was the Penguin and Poison Ivy. They had a habit of riding over together when the Joker was the host.  He finished pulling out the poker chips and the Riddler set the deck of cards he was shuffling on the table. Catwoman stood up to stretch for a moment - poker nights were usually rather long and rarely did anyone ever get up to do anything during it.

“By the way,” the Joker started, quiet enough so that those approaching wouldn’t hear him. Both Catwoman and the Riddler gave him their full attention. “Don’t tell them what I just told you. Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise for everyone, would we?”

“Of course not,” Catwoman said.

“What kind of friends would we be by ruining the best secret for poker night?” The Riddler said with a slight laugh. “You just better hope you win every round.”

The Joker lost the first round.

Thankfully, it was Catwoman who won and her question was aimed at Poison Ivy. Something about how she got away from Batman a week or two ago. It didn’t concern the Joker, so he didn’t pay attention to it.

It didn’t take long after the game started that the usual atmosphere of poker night took hold. The smoke from the Penguin and the Joker’s cigars made the air thick, and the low lights of the warehouse casted a warm glow over the group. It all smelled like smoke and alcohol - the same alcohol that was happily brought by Ivy since she could hardly stand being in the same room as the Joker without having a drink or two in her.

A couple more rounds passed of the Joker losing before it was his turn to answer a question - and it came from the exact person he didn’t want it to.

“So Joker,” the Penguin began, passing his and the Riddler’s cards off to Ivy for her to shuffle. “Heard you wouldn’t let Harley break you out of Arkham.”

“Yeah, and...?” The Joker asked. He handed his cards off to Catwoman who sat between him and Ivy.

“You usually take any chance to get to get out of there. We all know how it is there - you most of all.” The Penguin said.

“Of course I do. I was in there for a month.”

“You were.” He said. “I wanna know why.”

“Why I stayed in Arkham for a month?” The Joker asked. Ivy started passing out the now shuffled cards around the table. “Or why I was in there?”

“Oh, I know why you were in there.” The Penguin picked up his cards but didn’t look at them. He was staring down the Joker instead.

“So you want to know why I didn’t leave until just recently?”

“Quit stalling.”

“I’m just being thorough.”

“No you’re not.”

The Joker sighed. And looked down at his cards - a Jack and a two. With a hand like that, he was probably going to lose. Ivy probably did that on purpose somehow. If he didn’t answer Penguin’s question well, he’d have to answer another question like it the next round, and then it’d just turn into an interrogation.

He looked back up at Penguin. “You’re not gonna believe me.”

“I hardly ever believe you. But you’ve got to answer something.”

All eyes were on the Joker, but he was too busy watching Penguin and tapping his worthless cards on the table to care. It was too late to make something up, and they wouldn’t believe him if he did. Not that he was sure they’d believe the truth anyway.

“I’m working with Batman.”

Silence.

And then both Penguin and Ivy started laughing. The Joker smiled and stared down at his cards. Catwoman and the Riddler both looked at each other before turning to Ivy and Penguin.

“He’s not lying.” Catwoman said. Penguin stopped laughing before Ivy did. “He told us about it earlier.”

“No you’re not.” Penguin said with a shake of his head.

“It’s true, I am.” The Joker said, sitting up in his chair and propping his head up by his hands while his elbows rested on the table’s edge. “What do you want proof? I can call him if you want.”

“You’re not kidding are you?” Ivy asked. The Joker just smiled and shrugged. “My gosh, Joker’s gone soft on us!”

“I have not!” The Joker said, turning towards Ivy. “I’m just exploring all my options.”

The group continued to argue. No one noticed how quiet the Penguin was being during the conversation. He tapped his chin while everyone spoke and, since they weren’t paying attention to him, he felt for something on the underside of the table. When he found it, he returned his hand to the top of the table. It was something he put on the table before the Joker had a chance to steal it, and it was good to know that his previous henchmen who now worked for the Joker hadn’t ratted him out. It was nice of the Joker to have sent them all home for the night, too. The less people there the better. Originally, it wasn’t personal - it was payback for stealing an idea for a heist a while back. But after revealing he was working with Batman, it most certainly was personal.

“So how come Catwoman can work with Batman and I can’t?” The Joker said.

“Because you aren’t romantically involved with him.” The Penguin said, joining back in the conversation. He put out his cigar in the ashtray on the table and left it there. He’d be leaving in a moment anyway. He sent a message after checking the table to his henchmen to bring the car back.

“How do you know that?” The Joker said with a smile.

“We can share him.” Catwoman said, also with a smile.

“I get the weekends.”

“Deal.”

“I hope you are, maybe you’ll leave Harley alone.” Ivy said.

The Joker glared at her. “Don’t bring her into this.”

“Why not?” The Penguin said. “It’s another important relationship your decision is going to be severing.” Everyone turned to look at the Penguin. He moved to stand up from the table.

“What?” The Joker asked.

“Do you really think this is all going to work out for you?” The Penguin asked. “Batman won’t let you near us unless it’s to punch us in the face if you stick with him, and if you stick with us you’ll just end up back how you were.” He looked the Joker dead in the eye. “You’re either going to become a hero to Gotham and an enemy to us, or you’re going to stay exactly how you’ve always been.” He then looked at the rest of the group. “I’d suggest you all accept it now so you’re less surprised by the stab in the back later.”

“You’re acting like he hasn’t stabbed us in the back before.” The Riddler said. “Literally and figuratively.”

“Why do we hang out with you?” Catwoman asked to the Joker. He didn’t respond. He was still staring at the Penguin - though he didn’t know himself if it was out of anger, disbelief, or the faint feeling of betrayal.

“Well I’d stop doing it if I were you.” The Penguin said. He turned and began to waddle away. “I’m personally going to stop now.”

Everyone but the Joker exchanged glances. Usually when someone left poker night, it was in a fit of rage from losing all their money or aggravating banter. And if it was the latter they remembered to grab all their money before getting up. The Penguin didn’t even bother with his money - and he won the most that night.

The Joker was the first to stand up from the table with everyone else following suit after. They headed together after the Penguin through the warehouse.

“You’re just gonna leave?” Ivy asked as they went after him - quickly catching up since he wasn’t too fast of a walker. The answer she got was just a grumble from the Penguin. “You’re not even gonna take your money?”

“Don’t need it.” He said.

“Why is this what’s making you leave?” Riddler asked. “Why are you so mad about him working with Batman? It’s probably not even going to last - no offense, J.”

The Joker mumbled out a ‘none taken’, but he was too focused on watching the back of the Penguin’s head in attempt to burn through it with his glare to muster out anything more than that.

“You do realize that if he does stick with it, he’ll be the one shoving us back into Arkham, right?” The Penguin pushed the door to the warehouse open and the group stepped out. His car and a couple henchmen were already waiting there. A distant roll of thunder could be heard as he walked towards them. “And he knows all the tricks we can pull and where we all live, so it’s not going to be hard for him to stop us. Especially with Batman’s help.”

Catwoman laughed and the Joker glanced over at her with the same glare he had been using on the Penguin. She didn’t notice. “ _I_ can even hardly stand working with Batman for more than a little bit at a time. Do you really think Joker here’s gonna last any longer than _me_?”

The Penguin had reached his car by that point and was about to get in when she said that. He turned and looked at her and the rest of the group. The Joker was back to staring at him and he ended up staring right back. “With the right motivation, anything’s possible.”

And then he and his henchmen got into the car and drove off, leaving everyone else to stand outside in the impending storm.

“Shoot,” Ivy said. “That was my ride.”

“What do you think he meant by that?” The Riddler asked.

The Joker said nothing. He shoved his hands in his pockets while he watched the car grow smaller in the distance. He knew that the Penguin knew how easily distracted he could get. Unless there was something driving or forcing him to stick with a task, he would quickly give it up. But why would he think the Joker was going to have the proper motivation to stick with it? Even the Joker didn’t think he had one.

“Do you think he’s going to do something to you now that you’re working with Batman?” Catwoman asked.

“What would he do? Blow up my warehouse?” The Joker asked.

Then the Joker’s warehouse blew up.

The sudden explosion could have given anyone else a heart attack, but they were all so used to them by now it was simply a surprise that gave them enough of a jolt to turn around.

“Huh,” was all that the Joker said as he watched the fire begin to consume the building that housed all his gadgets, tools, money, clothes, and everything else he used on an almost daily basis. Then he remember that all of those things were in that building and managed to get out a couple more words, adding the tone of his increasing anger alongside it. “Well, isn’t this just peachy. This is exactly what I expected when I chose to invite over some of my oldest friends for a nice game of poker. I definitely wanted to lose everything I owned tonight in addition to the place where I live and all the money I had.” He then turned and looked at the others with a smile. “Wasn’t this fun? Aren’t you glad you came over?” He looked back at the burning warehouse, still holding onto his smile. “I hate everything.”

“That’s gotta suck.” Catwoman said as Ivy cackled next to her. It was the kind of cackle you’d expect to hear from the Joker with how malicious it was.

“I’m so glad I didn’t leave with him.” Ivy said, practically doubled over on the ground from laughter while everyone stared at her. “I want to frame this and hang it over my bed so I can gaze upon your misfortune every night. It’s like the perfect dream and I’m witnessing it in real life.”

The Joker sighed and watched as parts of the warehouse began to collapse.

The Riddler turned to him. “With how big that explosion was, the cops are probably going to be here soon.”

“Well where am I supposed to go?” The Joker asked. He looked at Catwoman and the Riddler, making sure to ignore Ivy. He certainly wasn’t going to take her suggestion, whatever it may be (it would probably be to go to the bottom of a lake if she could drag herself away from watching the fire long enough to respond.)

“Oh you’re not coming to live with me.” Catwoman said.

“And you can’t live with me either.” The Riddler said.

“Well what do I do?” The Joker asked. There would have been a moment of silence if the fire wasn’t crackling so loud and the thunder from the nearby storm was further away.

“You could go live with Batman.” The Riddler said. Catwoman began laughing as hard as Ivy still was.

The Joker tried to ignore them. “I can’t go live with Batman!”

“Well where else are you gonna go?” The Riddler asked.

The Joker searched for any other answer, but if there was one it was dead before he could think it. He didn’t have any other options. Harley never told him where she was living (and if she had he hadn’t listened) and everyone else wanted him dead. Not to mention all of his money was in that warehouse, so he couldn’t just up and buy somewhere to live at the drop of a hat.

He put his face in his hands. “I’m gonna have to live with Batman.”

The distant sound of sirens began to encroach on the group. The Joker gave them a quick goodbye and walked off to his car he had parked on the street earlier - which he was very thankful of that decision since it was spared from the explosion. As he drove off, the remaining few watched him, then they turned back to the warehouse.

“You think the table’s gonna survive?” The Riddler asked.

The roof of the warehouse caved in and sent flames and sparks into the cloudy night sky.

“Yeah. It should be fine.” Catwoman said.

“It’s a really sturdy table.” Ivy said.


	7. We've Got Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joker has to go live with Batman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't text and drive, kids

If you had told the Joker a few months ago that he’d be driving to the residence of his arch enemy who he would be legitimately working with at the time in hopes of finding a place to stay after his “best friend” had blown up his warehouse, he’d laugh, ask how there could be someone crazier than him alive, and then shoot you in the face. He’s got a title to hold onto after all.

But that’s exactly what ended up happening.

The Joker always thought the point of having a secret identity was so that your enemies couldn’t hurt anything or anyone close to you. It was a form of protection for yourself while the hero was the protection for everyone else.

So why did Batman tell him who he was?

A year ago while the Joker was taking a vacation in Arkham for a week, he received a visitor. He didn’t bother to look up from his solitaire game when the visitor was let in (but was certainly curious when he heard the guards begging him not to enter.) He did give the slightest of glances, though, when the visitor returned one of his signature cards from his last crime. And when he gave that slight glance, he found himself staring at a man whose face was known all over Gotham - the billionaire Bruce Wayne. He had come in as Batman, but had taken off his mask when he sat down from the looks of it. If anyone found out about him being Batman there would be so much put on the line. His company, his wealth, his life.

His death would be famous

The Joker returned to his card game.

He had never been interested in Bruce Wayne. He was interested in Batman. He liked the idea more than the man. The concept, the symbol. And it didn’t matter if he killed Bruce Wayne, he knew what would happen if he killed Bruce Wayne. Batman would show up again. His army of sidekicks would take over for him. There’d always be a Batman, even if there wasn’t a Bruce Wayne.

But right now the Joker needed Bruce Wayne.

The storm finally started. The rain was so heavy it was impossible to see more than a couple feet ahead, which was made even worse by how dark this night was, and any capable driver would have gone far under the 50mph speed limit.

The Joker was going 65.

The fat rain drops beat against the car and the Joker almost didn’t hear his phone buzzing in the passenger seat. He gave it a side glance while he drove. It was probably Harley. She probably came by the warehouse from whatever it was she was doing that night and saw the disaster it had become. Maybe if he didn’t answer she’d think he was dead. That’d be funny.

He still reached over and grabbed it, trying to focus on the road at the same time. Another quick glance at the phone screen after it buzzed again and he caught sight of the number. For a moment, he couldn’t remember who it was, though he figured it out eventually. He never bothered putting anyone in his phone by name because if he lost the phone - which he did often - it’d expose everyone’s numbers. Also because he couldn’t figure out how to do that.

The real question was why was this person the one texting him?

He pulled open the text, shifting his focus back and forth between the road and phone while doing so.

_\--harley’s on the verge of not talking to you anymore_

_\--btw what happened to your warehouse_

“Since when do _you_ talk to Harley?” The Joker whispered to himself before typing up his reply.

_Penguin blew it up--_

_Why isn’t harley talking to me?--_

_\--i don’t know_

_\--she won’t tell me_

_\--she said you should remember_

_Well I obviously don’t--_

 _\--she says you’ve got half an hour to figure it out or else_ _  
_ _she’s never talking to you again_

_Make her telaskdfhsdhlkjlkf--_

The keysmash in the text came from the fact the Joker just barely missed swerving out of the way of a honking car that had crossed onto his side of the road. Or he had gone onto theirs. Probably the latter. Either way he had come very close to crashing his car. In the process of that reaction, he had also dropped his phone, which bounced off the passenger seat onto the floor.

“For the love of…” he said, looking down at the phone. It buzzed again. With a sigh, he gave a glance to the road, and then reached down for the phone.

Just before he could grab it, there was another loud car honk which caused him to shoot back up in his seat and yank the steering wheel right. The car shot to the right and off the road into the forest surrounding it. It bounced across the ground and threw the unbuckled Joker and his phone around the inside like a pinball machine all the way until a tree was kind enough to stop the car. Unfortunately, this turned the front end of the car into an accordion and the Joker ended up smashing his nose into the steering wheel. The impact no doubt broke it immediately. If it wasn’t for the heavy rain and thunder, someone might have heard him scream.

“Oww…” he said, holding his nose as best he could without hurting it anymore. His phone, now sitting outside the broken windshield (that had no doubt cut his face up even more) on the hood of the crushed car, buzzed again. He reached for it with a hand, still holding onto his nose with the other, and looked at the messages.

_\--what_

_\--are you okay what happened_

_I crashed my car--_

_\--were you texting and driving_

_\--in this weather_

_Yes--_

_\--that’s really dangerous!!_

_Yes, I am fully aware of that--_

 _You have no idea how aware of that I --_ _  
_ _am right now_

 _It’s not like I just broke my nose or--_ _  
_ _anything because of it--_

 _\--btw harley wants me to tell you you’ve got twenty_ _  
_ _minutes left_

The Joker glared at his phone before shoving it in his pocket. “I don’t have time for this.”

He kicked open the car door and stepped out of what was left of the car. When his feet hit the ground, he heard the sickening sound of the mud sucking his shoes down into the ground.

Great.

This is exactly what he wanted today. He definitely wanted to have his home and everything he owned blown up. He definitely wanted to be abandoned by his friends. He definitely wanted to go live with his arch enemy. He definitely wanted to crash his car and break his nose. He definitely wanted to have his last pieces of nice clothing ruined by rain and mud. Yes, this what he wanted.

And of course, he definitely wanted to have the mud cling so hard to his shoe that when he began to walk away it would slide off and he’d trip and fall face first into the mud and have his sock go right into the mud with him.

Yes. This is how he wanted the day to go.

He intensely considered giving up and dying right there. Alone in the woods, next to the car he crashed because he wasn’t careful, without any friends, and covered in mud. What a hilarious way to go. He was a shadow of his former self. It’d be ironic. After all, everyone had expected him to go out in a bang. This would be such a surprise.

But he’d never be able to see the looks on their faces, and that’s what ultimately made him stand up and shove his foot back into his shoe so he could keep on heading to Wayne Manor.

Eventually he reached the brick and iron fence that surrounded it. He was nowhere near the gate, which he wouldn’t have bothered to go near anyway. The rain turned into a misting, and it was easy to see the plethora of cars outside the manor. There must have been a charity event going on.

How dare Batman not invite him.

“Well,” he said, craning his neck up to stare at the top of the fence. “Time to crash a party!”

The fence was incredibly hard to climb, like it was trying to keep him out or something. It was tall and slippery with rain water. He did manage, however, to use a nearby tree as leverage and hoist himself over. He did hoist himself too far, though, and landed in the mud again, though thankfully not on his face. His broken nose was at least spared this time, but the same couldn’t be said for his clothes which had now adopted the various shades of earthtones instead of his preferred purple.

He sat up and an alarm on his phone rang in his pocket. It was midnight. His alarm always goes off at midnight. It annoyed a lot of people, especially since he never told them why he had it in the first place. But it’s something he did and he wasn’t going to stop doing. It especially annoyed Harley since it woke her up about as much as it woke up him.

Speaking of Harley -

\-- _YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY AGAIN JERKOFF!!!_

_\--I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN AND I HOPE YOU DIE_

_\--OH AND CONGRATS ON LOSING YOUR WAREHOUSE AND EVERYTHING YOU OWN YOU DESERVED IT!!!_

So that’s what he forgot.

The Joker spent a couple minutes sitting in the mud, trying to decide what exactly he should reply with until it dawned on him what the most perfect response would be.

_k--_

_\--I HATE YOU_

He stood up from the mud and, after returning the phone to his pocket, brushed himself off. Not that it did anything, but it’s the thought that counted. Then he proceed again towards the manor - though headed for the backdoor. He was just simply unpresentable like this. They’d laugh at him, and then he’d have to do something about it.

With how heavy the rain had been and how late it was, there wasn’t a single person on the back porch or near the door the Joker had chosen to enter through. It turned out to be the door to the kitchen, and he was soon face to face with the exact definition of a butler. The butler was old, and the Joker was surprised he didn’t immediately give him a heart attack.

“Jeeves!” The Joker said, leaning on the door frame with one hand. “Sorry I missed dinner. Traffic was a nightmare.”

“Get out.” The butler snapped, clutching the wine bottle he held tighter. The Joker sighed. He really didn’t want anymore glass in his face tonight.

“I need to speak to Bruce Wayne.” He said. “I’ve got a real charity case for him to look into.”

“No you don’t.” The butler moved towards the Joker to get him out, but the Joker just put a muddy hand on his nice black suit.

“Go get me Batman.”

If the butler didn’t know who the Joker was yet, he certainly did after that line.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The butler said. His stare was cold and intense.

The Joker didn’t care. He got worse stares from Batman every time they meet. This old man wasn’t going to intimidate him. The Joker was kind enough, though, to remove his hand from the man’s suit. It was a nice suit after all, even if it was in black.

He shook his head. “Look, he already told me he was Batman. Just go get him because I really need to talk to him.”

“You need to leave.”

“Do you want me to go get him myself? Because I will.” The Joker stepped past the butler, who was trying very hard to keep him from doing so. “Oh Batman!”

“Stop!” The man said. The Joker looked at him with a smile and a raised eyebrow. “I’ll go get Master Wayne, just...stay here.”

The Joker went wide eyed and smiled even more. “I was right?” The man looked absolutely horrified, which made the Joker laugh. “I’m kidding, I already knew. Go get him.”

The man hurried off with one quick glance over his shoulder to make sure the Joker wasn’t leaving. The Joker, in fact, had no intentions of leaving. He was too wet, cold, in pain, and tired to even consider it. His broken nose was throbbing and mud was caked all over him. A vain attempt was made to clean off his clothes in the sink, which just ended up making a bigger mess than if he just settled with tracking the mud throughout the kitchen. He moved on to searching the _three separate refrigerators_ and accompanying freezers for an ice pack.

“This man is truly made of money,” he said with a laugh as he searched. He managed to find about a thousand ice packs of varying sizes actually. It’s almost like he had specific ones for each villain, which would have warmed the Joker’s cold, dead heart if that was the case. Such care for detail.

A small one would work well enough, so that’s what he took. Just as he applied it to his nose and sat down at the little table near the kitchen’s archway out into the rest of the manor, Bruce Wayne appeared.

“Hey Batsy,” he asked, shocking Bruce as he walked in. Apparently the table was in such a place he couldn’t see him as he entered. “Do you have any Tylenol? My nose is killing me, and I know you have a policy about killing.”

“What are you doing here?” Bruce asked. His fists were clenched and stood defensively. He looked much more like Batman than the billionaire cover up of Bruce Wayne in that moment, even without the costume.

“Well,” the Joker cringed as he readjusted his hold on the ice pack. “My friends were kind enough to give me their blessings when I told them we started working together. Unfortunately, their blessings were a ton of bombs in my warehouse and a swift kick to the streets.”

“So you’re homeless?” Bruce asked and crossed his arms. The Joker stared at him from the corner of his eye. He was giving him the usual glare. “And you thought you’d come live with me.”

“You are the most charitable man in Gotham, aren’t you Mister Wayne? Of course I did.”

“No.”

The Joker turned to Bruce. “Really? You’re gonna tell me no?”

“Yes.”

“Oh so it’s a yes now?”

“You can’t stay here.”

“You do realize I crashed my car on the way here and walked through the rain and went straight over that monster of a fence just to get here, right?” The Joker asked.

“I don’t care.”

“I broke my nose for you!”

“Get out of my house.”

The Joker sat up straight in his chair and took the ice pack off his nose so he could get a better look at Bruce. “Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well where am I supposed to go?”

“I don’t care.”

“Sir,” the butler said. Apparently he was standing behind Bruce the whole time, but the Joker hadn’t paid him any attention. “Would you like me to call the police?”

“Wait! Let me plead my case.” The Joker said, standing up from the table. “If you kept me here, you could be sure I wasn’t out committing any crimes when we aren’t working together. I could stay here all day and you wouldn’t have to worry about me. You could ground me if I got out of line, send me to bed without dessert!”

Bruce sighed and stared at the Joker. It would be much easier to make sure the Joker didn’t commit any crimes if he was staying in the same place as him. But it’d also be easier for the Joker to hurt him or his family if he was there. It was a gamble either way, but perhaps in the long run it would be more effective for getting and keeping the Joker on a good path.

“Alfred, take him up the back stairs to the rooms and keep him in one until everyone’s gone.” Bruce said to the butler.

There was a pause from Alfred, then Bruce looked at him. The butler sighed.

“Of course, Master Wayne.” Alfred said and then looked at the Joker in the same manner Bruce had been - suspicious and angry. “Please, follow me. And don’t wander off. We can’t have anyone see you like this.”

“I’m glad to see you’re as concerned about my appearance as I am. I was feeling rather out of place at a black tie event in a brown suit.” The Joker said, following after Alfred and past Bruce, who he gave a pat on the shoulder as he passed. Bruce flinched away from it and the Joker smiled. “And sorry about the mess, I happen to be masquerading as a walking disaster today.”

“You could have fooled me,” Alfred said. “I thought you were a disaster everyday.”

The Joker laughed. “I like you.”

Alfred didn’t look at him. “It’s not mutual.”

 

Bruce Wayne had certainly intended to speak to the Joker when everyone had left, but when he went to his room, he found that the Joker was already asleep. Though the Joker seemed to be sleeping soundly and the door was locked, Bruce didn’t sleep well.

The Joker, however, slept great.

And when he woke up, he got to truly admire the room Alfred had shoved him in last night. It was his own fault for instigating the shoving by asking what kind of bird Alfred was - Batman had a habit of adopting Robins so often. Maybe Alfred was ashamed of being a penguin in a suit like his. The Joker wouldn’t blame him, he was also gaining an aversion for penguins.

It was a spacious room - bigger than any bedroom he had been in before, in fact. (Well, aside from that time he broke into the mayor’s house for an outing of romping and kidnapping). A giant window allowed the morning sun to bathe him in its warm glow, and it pleased him. He almost felt like a king. What added to that feeling was the huge, four poster bed that took up the most space of any of the furniture, and had a mattress that was an absolute dream to sleep on, (he’d have to ask Batman later where he, too, could purchase the clouds it was made from.) A wardrobe, a dresser - which reminded Joker that his only clothes were the ones he arrived and slept in, and he certainly couldn’t wear those to breakfast. So tacky to wear last night’s car crashed, mud covered, monstrosity two days in a row. He’d have to ask Bats for a spare one. It’d probably be black, though. The idea made him cringe. He looked terrible in black.

There was also a private bathroom accompanying this room. It was no doubt covered in mud just like everything else he had touched last night, but it was a very nice bathroom otherwise. Everything was pristine white and porcelain. It almost blinded him when he went to clean up last night.

The room was perfect. It had everything he needed to stay in there for an extended period of time. It even had a bookshelf in case he got bored.

You know what else was good at keeping him in his new room for an extended period of time? Door locks.

And his door was certainly locked.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” He said, jiggling the handle again. He had gotten up from bed to speak to Batman about borrowing a suit, but it seemed that wasn’t going to be happening any time soon.

Thankfully, he had the perfect solution to his problem.

 

With his horrible sleep the night before, any number of things could’ve woken Bruce up. A ray of sun that snuck in through his heavy black curtains, a bird on the window, anything really.

A gunshot was not what he was expecting.

After successfully managing to avoid a heart attack and preparing for all the possible scenarios of what the Joker could be doing to his family, he raced out of his room to find where the shot came from.

He found the Joker surveying his handiwork immediately.

The Joker was too busy smiling at the shot off handle on his door to notice Bruce approach him. The revolver was still in his hand, but he had it facing towards the ceiling rather than at anything in particular.

“Just don’t make 'em like they used to” The Joker said.

Bruce lunged for the gun and managed to wrestle it away from the Joker with relative ease, though he did protest afterwards.

“Give that back!” The Joker said, failing when he in turn lunged for the revolver Bruce now held. “That was a birthday present from me to me! It holds so much sentimental value.”

“What did I say about guns?” Bruce asked, holding the revolver even farther away.

The Joker reached for it again but Bruce pushed him back. “I don’t remember, maybe giving it back to me will jog my memory.”

Soon enough, both Tim and Alfred arrived, though from opposite sides of the hall.

The Joker looked between the both of them and put a hand to his forehead to mimic fainting. “How will I defend myself now?”

“What is _he_ doing here?” Tim asked Bruce. Bruce could see the anger and confusion was clear on Tim’s face.

The Joker didn’t care. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“I live here!”

“So do I!”

“What?”

“Your father and I eloped last night. I’m your new step-dad. You can call me Megatron instead of dad if you’d like.”

“Seriously, what is he doing here?” Tim tried asking Bruce again.

The Joker waved his finger disapprovingly. “Uh-uh, we don’t use that word in this house.”

Tim glared at the Joker and he noticed how bruised Joker’s eyes and nose looked. He turned to Bruce. “Please tell me you’re the one who did that to his face.”

“Nope! My car did.” The Joker’s smile faded and his eyes went wide as he remembered everything that happened the night before. “My car, my warehouse, all my things-” he snapped and pointed at Bruce. “I need a new suit!”

“ _You_ need a new suit?” Tim said. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to run out of those.”

The Joker narrowed his eyes at Tim before looking at Bruce. “Who is this sassy child?”

“I’m Tim. I’m his son.”

The Joker gasped. “You had a son behind my back? Who is she - who’s the mother? Do you love her more than me?”

“You just made a joke about it.” Bruce said. “You just called yourself his step-dad.”

“Well-” the Joker paused, realizing the contradictions in his jokes. He glared at Bruce. “Don’t you use my jokes against me. I’ve had a very rough night and am not in the best state of mind.”

“Don’t play the victim here.” Tim said.

“But I am the victim here! Penguin blew up my warehouse last night and I had to crawl here with just the clothes on my back and even those aren’t cutting it right now.” Which was true, the suit was still dirty and tore up from the night before. The Joker held his hands together to plead to Bruce. “Please, I just need a new suit.”

Bruce sighed and looked past the Joker to Alfred who raised an eyebrow. “Alfred, go get him something to wear.” Alfred, reluctantly, nodded and went off while the Joker silently thanked Bruce. Bruce didn’t care and turned his attention to Tim. “I told you I was trying to work with him.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t explain why he’s _living_ here.” Tim said.

“Did I not just say my warehouse was blown up?” The Joker asked.

“Well, what about your friends? Couldn’t you live with one of them?” Tim asked.

“Ah yes, living in the hotbed of crime. Such a good idea for a criminal attempting to reform. Nothing but good influences there.” The Joker laughed but cut himself off and stared down at his feet. “Also none of them offered and probably would rather have turned me in than help.”

“What about Harley?” Tim asked.

He didn’t look up from his shoes. “What about her? She’s not talking to me right now and she never told me where she lives.”

“Why wouldn’t she? Isn’t she your girlfriend?”

“Don’t you have homework or some other relatable teen problem that will make you go away?”

Tim glared at Joker, especially after Bruce told him to go downstairs. After he left, it was just Bruce and the Joker in the hall.

“Can I please have my gun back?” The Joker asked.

“No.” Bruce said.

“Please? I won’t use it!”

“Then why do you want it?”

The Joker looked away down the hall and started to walk off. “Nevermind, I’ll get it back later.”

“Come back here.”

“Why?” He stopped and turned back to Bruce. “Can’t I go get something to eat?”

“No. I’ll bring you something in a bit. You need to stay in your room until we sort out everything regarding your stay here.”

“Ooh, when you put it like that it sounds like I’m at a hotel!” The Joker smiled and hopped back into his room. “And I’d love to have you provide room service ASAP, ‘k?”

“Just stay in there.” The Joker gave Bruce a salute, which he ignored as he walked away to find somewhere to hide the gun.


	8. Stay Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batman leaves Robin and the Joker together in the Batmobile and they're forced to make small talk.

The Joker hated the suit he was given. Black, like he expected, just large enough to be annoying. It felt so wrong it made him physically uncomfortable.

And of course, Batman wasn’t going to let him stay at the mansion that night alone and hide from the world in that suit. Oh no, he had to go on patrol with him and Robin. The thought of possibly being seen in that suit made him slump down as far as he could in the passenger seat of the Batmobile. Maybe they’d let him just sit in the car all night.

“You look fine.” Batman said, keeping his eyes on the road while he drove.

“You’re lying.” Joker said, sinking down lower and glaring at the city as it flew by.

“You do look weird in it.” Robin said, leaning forward from the backseat to look down at the Joker. “I feel like you should be trying to sell me something, but like, it’s your first day on the job and you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Didn’t Batman teach you not to patronize known criminals?” The Joker asked, narrowing his eyes at Robin.

“Nope. He actually encourages it in most cases.” Robin said with a smile. The Joker could see Batman give into a slight grin.

“That’s a dangerous business practice.” The Joker said.

“Good thing that’s not how I run my company.” Batman said.

The Joker stared at him for a good few minutes. “You two are being way too uncautious around me.”

“It’s incautious.” Robin said.

“It’s what now?”

“Incautious. Uncautious isn’t a word.”

“It makes more sense than incautious.”

“Technically it doesn’t.”

The Joker looked at Batman. “He knows I can strangle him, right?”

“And he knows he’s strong enough to beat you if you tried.” Batman said. The grin was still on his face. It made Joker both uncomfortable and unhappy. Or at least, more so than he already was.

“Why aren’t you two scared of me?” The Joker asked. He looked back and forth between the two of them frantically. “I’m a dangerous criminal!”

“You don’t have any weapons, everything you owned was destroyed, and you had to borrow a suit.” Batman said. “You’re not very intimidating to us when you clearly have the disadvantage.”

The Joker glared at Batman, then to Robin, then slumped back in his seat and stared out the window. Though he wouldn’t dare say it out loud, he preferred the harassment more than the silence from previous patrols. Sure, witty banter between the three of them would be more pleasant than them ganging up against him, but deep down he figured he deserved it.

Actually, he knew he deserved it. Wholeheartedly.

Batman pulled the Batmobile into an alley, turned off the engine, and moved to leave the vehicle.

“You two stay here. I have to talk to the Commissioner.” He said, opening the door.

“Wait, you’re leaving us alone? Together?” The Joker asked with wide eyes. He couldn’t be serious. They had only been working together a week, why would Batman leave Robin in the car alone with him? They could tear each other to pieces without supervision. Where was this sudden trust coming from?

“Yes. Like I was saying earlier. You’re harmless.”

The Joker blinked. “...harmless? Really? Do you think so little of me now?”

“No. I think so highly of Robin. He’d break your bones before you ever got a hit on him.” Batman got out of the car. “And I know that the Commissioner would be against this attempt for rehabilitation. If he saw you or heard you, that’d be the end of it.”

He shut the door and the locks clicked. Though the Joker remained stunned at this choice, Robin wasn’t phased and climbed up into the driver’s seat. When he sat himself down, he looked over to the Joker with a raised eyebrow. The Joker sat with his arms crossed as he stared ahead at the dashboard.

“Is this a test? It feels like he’s testing me.” The Joker said, then paused. “I bet this is a test.”

“A test to see what?” Robin asked.

He thought for a moment. “...I don’t know.”

The two of them sat in the car in silence, not doing anything. Robin would periodically look over at the Joker, but the Joker never noticed since he was too busy staring down at his hands, the floor, the alley around them, the dashboard - anything at all that wasn’t Robin. Eventually he did look over at him and caught him staring.

“What?” He asked.

“Just making sure you don’t do anything stupid.” Robin said.

The Joker raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you know? Stupid is my modus of operation.”

“Modus operandi.”

“Would you stop correcting me?”

They went back to silence. Nothing managed to keep the Joker’s attention and he was quickly becoming bored. He stared at the dim buttons on the control panel.

“What do those do?” He asked.

“Don’t touch those.” Robin said, sliding down in his seat. He, too, was bored.

“Do you not know?”

“I know what they do. That’s why I’m saying not to touch them.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Just don’t touch them.”

The Joker smiled and glanced over at Robin. “I bet you don’t really know. I bet Batman never showed you. I bet you can’t even drive.”

Robin glared at the Joker. The Joker’s grin grew. “I can drive and he showed me what they do, so don’t touch them.”

“Then prove it to me.” The Joker propped a foot up on the dashboard. “Otherwise, you don’t know.”

“You’re just trying to goad me into telling you.”

The Joker shrugged. “That’s what I do.”

The two stared at each other for a while. Robin continued to glare and the Joker kept smiling.

Eventually, Robin pointed to a button on the panel. “That one’s the radio.”

The Joker immediately slammed his hand on it to turn it on. Nothing happened.

“The car’s off.” Robin said.

The Joker stared at the button for a second before turning back to the alley outside his window and crossing his arms. “I knew that.”

Their boredom grew. The Joker slid down so far in his seat that he might as well just sit on the floor of the vehicle. Even Robin had given up watching the Joker. It’s not like he was going to do anything at that point anymore. The Joker noticed this, and was kind of annoyed that he wasn’t causing enough issue to get his attention. Then again, there wasn’t much he could do to get his attention. At least, there wasn’t anything he’d dare to do at this point.

He thought about that for a second. Where was this line of thinking coming from? In any other instance he’d have no trouble considering a fight with the Boy Wonder. But right now it felt wrong to even consider it. It confused him, and that made him angry. Then again that feeling  could stem from…

No. That wasn’t his fault. He didn’t do that. Someone else did. He knew this. They told him. Right. Right, he didn’t do that. That blood was not on his hands.

He needed to get off this train of thought.

“Where is he?” He asked.

“Probably still talking to Gordon.” Robin said, still staring out the window.

“He’s been gone a long time.”

“It’s only been six minutes.”

The Joker groaned and slid down from the seat to the floor. Robin watched as he somehow managed to wedge himself there with his legs pulled up to his chest and pressed his forehead to the dashboard. “Six minutes is _so long_.”

“You have no patience.” Robin said.

“Well of course not, I’m not a doctor.” With that line, he spun to give Robin a smile.

No response.

“Do you not understand puns?” He asked.

“It wasn’t that funny.” Robin said.

The Joker frowned. “Batman is putting a lot of faith in me not to kill you while we wait.”

“You couldn’t kill me if you tried. You don’t even have any weapons.”

“I have my gun.”

Robin shook his head. “No you don’t. Batman took that away this morning.”

“Yes I do!” The Joker leaned back and lifted up his suit coat. Sewn to the inner side of it was his gun. “I got it back earlier when I was looking for the Bat Cave - which I found all by myself! Batman didn’t even realize I was out of my room until I got in there.”

The Joker surveyed his handiwork a bit longer - he thought using the tie intended to go with the suit to fashion a makeshift holster to keep the gun in place was genius - until he noticed Robin hadn’t said anything yet. He looked over and saw him staring wide eyed at the gun.

“Oh don’t worry about it.” The Joker said, letting go of the coat and laying his hand on the floor next to him. “I forgot to grab any bullets or anything to go with it. Also I sewed it too tightly to the jacket.” He paused and looked down at the coat. “I made it completely useless.”

“So then we’re back to square one.” Robin said. He sounded relieved.

The Joker, however, had a thousand incoherent thoughts flying through his mind. The gun was useless, he couldn’t use it, he didn’t have an easy way to defend himself, and with his recent luck, it would have probably come in handy tonight. They were probably going to have to go after all his biggest enemies tonight. He was done for.

Robin’s voice cut through his thoughts, but he didn’t catch what he said.

“What?” The Joker asked.

“Why did you want the gun back so badly?” Robin asked.

“I need it to protect myself.” He paused. “Well, I _needed_ it to protect me. It can’t do anything right now.”

“Can’t you fight?”

The Joker tilted his hand to say more or less. “I’m not on the same level as you or Batsy. I try to be, but I’m not. I’m much better at fighting with gadgets and gizmos. They’re two of my favorite things.”

“What are your other favorite things?”

The Joker stared forward at the dashboard and didn’t respond for a moment. “Currently unavailable to me right now.”

A few silent moments pass again.

“Why are you doing this?” Robin asked.

“Doing what?” Joker asked.

Robin made a motion with his hand to encompass the whole car. “ _This_. Working with Batman. Why?”

The Joker sighed and looked down at his shoes. “I don’t remember.” He felt Robin’s eyes on him. The kid didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t. The Joker didn’t even understand. He could only go into so much detail himself. Might as well try.

“I have a horrible memory for certain facts about myself. What you see before you now-” he motioned to all of himself, “-is all I remember.” He paused. “I think I’m doing this because everyone else wanted me to be...not what I was. I guess I figured this is the opposite of what I was. I’m not really sure if those were my exact thoughts, though. I more or less just...exist fully in different stages of my life, ignoring the ones that came before it, and then fully embracing whatever thing I become in the end.”

That’s as best as he could figure to explain it. He looked over to Robin, who just nodded. Something must have gone through...or maybe the kid was just being polite. The Joker wouldn’t have blamed him. He wanted a better explanation, too.

They were in silence again. Or at least, they were until someone called the Joker.

His phone rang and the two of them jumped. Growing so accustomed to the silence made them forget what sound was. The Joker pulled it out and stared at the screen for a couple moments. The number was familiar, but he couldn’t remember who it was.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” Robin asked.

“I can’t remember if this is someone who hates me or not.” The Joker said.

Robin blinked. “Did you not save the number or something? Make it a contact or anything?”

The Joker looked over at Robin with a furrowed brow. “Did I do what now?”

“Do you not know how to do that?”

“Obviously not.” The Joker turned back to the phone. It was still ringing. He might as well answer it. What could they do to him over the phone? He touched the ‘Accept Call’ button and held it up to his ear. “Hello?”

 _“Ayyy...how you doing tonight, clown boy?”_ The voice asked. It was Catwoman.

The Joker smiled. “Hey crazy cat lady.”

 _“What are you doing?”_ She asked.

“Sitting in the Batmobile and being babysat by a child.”

_“Usually it’s the other way around. But I guess even Batman knows even a child is more responsible than you are.”_

“Rude.”

“Who is it?” Robin asked.

“Catwoman.” The Joker said, looking over to him.

 _“Is that Robin?”_ Catwoman asked.

“No, it’s a different one of Batman’s army of sidekicks.” The Joker said. “Of course it’s Robin!”

 _“Put me on speaker! I love that kid.”_ She said. The Joker pressed the ‘Speaker’ button and set the phone down on the seat behind him

“Now you can talk both of our ears off.” The Joker said.

 _“Good.”_ Catwoman said. _“So why are you guys waiting in the Batmobile?”_

“Batman had to go talk to Gordon.” Robin said.

 _“And he didn’t want to bring J along? Unbelievable.”_ Catwoman said.

“A shame, too.” The Joker said. “I haven’t seen Ol’ Jimmy in such a long time.”

Catwoman cackled through the phone. _“Please call him that to his face when you get the chance.”_

“If I do he’ll shoot me.” The Joker smiled. “So I definitely will if I remember.”

 _“Your deathwish grows more everyday.”_ Catwoman said.

“Every day holds a new betrayal.” He said.

 _“So are you actually living with Batman now?”_ She asked.

“Yep.”

_“I can’t believe he’s actually letting you stay there.”_

“No one can.” Robin said.

“I shot my door handle off this morning because they locked me in my room.” The Joker said. Catwoman laughed for a bit before cutting herself off with half a scream.

“Selina!” The Joker said, lunging for the phone even though he knew that wouldn’t help her. Apparently Robin was thinking the same thing, because he also moved for the phone.

 _“Oh sorry, I laughed so hard I almost fell off this ledge I’m on.”_ Catwoman said. The Joker and Robin breathed sighs of relief and slumped where they sat. _“Also, you’re lucky Robin already knows who I am or I’d have to kill you both for saying my real name.”_

“Sorry. I thought you died.” The Joker said.

 _“I thought I did too for a second.”_ She paused. _“Believe it or not, I can see Batman from here, actually. He’s still talking to Gordon.”_

“What are you even doing out tonight?” Robin asked.

 _“That’s none of your business, Robin.”_ She said.

“That’s because your business is robbin’.” The Joker said. To his surprise, Robin let out a very, very small laugh. It made the Joker’s face light up. “Cat! Cat, did you hear that? _I_ just managed to make the Boy Wonder laugh!”

 _“Wow, you two must be bonding fast.”_ She said.

“We’re stuck in the Batmobile together. It was our only option.”

_“Bonding was your only option?”_

“Forced propinquity is the quickest way to tolerance.”

“You know ‘propinquity’ but you don’t know ‘incautious’?” Robin asked.

 _“He doesn’t know what?”_ Catwoman asked.

The Joker pointed at the phone. “See! She doesn’t know it either!”

 _“Is it even a real word?”_ She asked.

“It is!” Robin said.

“No it’s not!” The Joker said.

_“Oh hey, it looks like Batman and Gordon are done talking. I think he’s headed back your way.”_

“Finally. I had half a mind to go up there and drag him back to the car.” The Joker said, sliding himself up from the floor and back onto his seat.

 _“Well, you only have half a mind, so you must have been thinking pretty hard.”_ Catwoman said.

“You watch yourself, Cat. We might have to come arrest you later. I know I’ll be keeping an eye out for you.” The Joker said.

 _“Ha! Like you could catch me.”_ Catwoman said. _“I’ll call you later. Stay out of trouble, clown prince.”_

“No!” The Joker smiled.

 _“At least you’re honest.”_ She said.

The two gave her a goodbye and the Joker put his phone back in his coat pocket. Robin climbed to the backseat again right as Batman leapt down from the fire escapes to the vehicle. The doors unlocked and he stepped in.

“Glad to see you two still alive.” He said, looking at the Joker and Robin.

“Well of course.” The Joker said.

“Like I said, you’re harmless.”

“Stop saying that.”


	9. What Are You Doing Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night out crime fighting ends very badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy one year anniversary you ridiculous fanfic.

The Joker was ecstatic. Sure, he didn’t have his gun or any practical methods of protecting himself tonight when they went after other criminals, but he was excited.

He was going to get to punch Two Face. Right in both his faces.

It made him so excited he forgot about how much he hated his suit.

However, Batman’s insistence on stealth and staying in the shadows when they went after Two Face destroyed all his enthusiasm. Stay in the shadows, he said. Don’t let anyone see you, he said. Make another noise and I’ll shove you back into Arkham with Two Face, he said. I should have left you in the car, he said.

It’s not the Joker’s fault Batman’s plan was boring, but apparently his suggestion for ramming the car through the front doors of the warehouse was ‘reckless’ and ‘stupid.’ Words like that kill creativity, Batman.

Of course, it all came flooding back to him when they were on the catwalk overlooking where Two Face was ordering his henchmen around with their shipment of...well, the Joker didn’t hear Batman explain why they were going after Two Face or why they needed to stop him. He filled in the blanks and assumed it was because Two Face deserved a beatdown. Certainly made sense to him.

Batman started explaining the plan to Robin and the Joker, though the Joker didn’t listen to this either. In fact, the plan sounded complicated. The Joker figured his plan was much more efficient and to the point:

-Jump down from the catwalk onto Two Face

-Murder

It was such a good plan.

And Batman couldn’t tell him no, because he was already enacting it before he noticed.

The Joker vaulted over the railing. Though he didn’t land on Two Face, he did manage to land on one of the crates the henchmen were moving. The noise made everyone turn to face him, and the Joker gave a wide smile. The crate’s pallet jack carried him into the harsh glow of the few warehouse lights that were on and he reveled in the attention he was getting from the henchmen and Two Face. He even held his arms out to his sides to present himself better.

“Hello, Two Face!” He said.

Two Face, dressed in a half black and half white suit, clenched his jaw and glared up at the Joker. “What do you want? I’m in the middle of something.”

“Just thought I’d-” the Joker jumped down to the floor in front of Two Face. “-drop in.”

“You never just drop in, even for a joke.” Two Face stepped up to the Joker and continued to glare down at him. The Joker always forgot just how much taller Two Face was than him. “ _ What do you want _ ?”

The Joker shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked on his heels, then gave Two Face a shrug. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew it’d be better to stall Two Face in order to give Batman enough time to figure out a different plan. But he wanted to fight Two Face so bad, and goading him only went so far. Two Face had such a short temper after all. There was just so much he could say before a fight began.

“Oh the usual...see how long I can annoy you before you punch me in the face.” The Joker said. “I’m trying to see if I can go for the record of two minutes.”

By this point the henchmen had all gone back to moving the crates of whatever it was that was in them. They knew the Joker and that his beef was with Two Face. Plus they had a job to do. No reason to get involved.

“It looks like someone beat me to it.” Two Face said with a grin.

The Joker took his hand out of his pocket and pointed to his nose, still bruised from the car accident last night. “Oh no, this is my own fault.”

“Anytime you get beat up it’s your fault.”

“See, but this time it’s because I crashed my car.”

Two Face raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t hear a car crash.”

“Oh, that’s because I did that yesterday.”

Two Face lost his smile and narrowed his eyes. “If you crashed your car, who brought you here?”

The Joker had been ignoring the sounds of the scuffles going on around him in the darkness. Two Face hadn’t noticed them, so there was no reason to alert him. But now was the perfect opportunity for a punchline.

The Joker hit Two Face right in the jaw, spinning him around. He then grabbed the back of Two Face’s suit, directed him towards the darkness, and then pointed straight ahead where Batman then stepped into the light.

“He did.” The Joker said, smiling even wider. He slammed his head into Two Face’s and threw him to the ground. Batman tried to step in, but a sudden surge of henchmen distracted him, forcing him to leave the two men to fight each other.

The Joker let Two Face push himself off the ground before kicking him in the chin, knocking him back. He jabbed his elbow into Two Face’s cheek. He attempted to punch him again, but Two Face kicked his leg and knocked him to the floor. They continued to beat on each other until the two of them had the other’s throat in their clutches.

That’s when Batman and Robin managed to step in. Batman pulled Two Face away and Robin dragged the Joker off. The two kept flailing about, trying and to hit each other.

Batman pulled Two Face to his feet, but kept a tight grip on his arms to ensure he couldn’t fight back. He glared over at the Joker, who Robin had brought to his feet and also had to hold back. “What are you doing, Joker?”

“Dealing with the criminal, Bats! Wasn’t that the plan?” The Joker said with a grin and an arched eyebrow. Blood coated his teeth and his lip was split. He looked to Two Face. “Thanks for not hitting my nose. So kind of you.”

“I wish I could have had the chance to punch it straight into that ugly skull of yours.” Two Face said.

“I bet you’ll have plenty of chances in the future!” He said. “Won’t be the last time you’ll have me chasing after you.”

“It will be if you keep being this reckless.” Batman said. The Joker frowned.

Two Face glanced between the two. “Are you two working together?”

“Unfortunately.” Batman said.

The Joker stuck out his bottom lip. “Well you don’t have to negative about it, I’m still learning.”

Red and blue lights flashed through the front windows and doors of the warehouse, making the four look over. Sirens echoed through the building back to them.

“Robin, take Joker back to the Batmobile. I’ll handle Two Face.” Batman said. Robin nodded and pulled the Joker by his arm to one of the side exits that led into darkness, with the Joker hollering ‘Au revoir’ back to Two Face who yelled something back, but they were already out of the building by the time he did.

Robin shoved the Joker into the passenger seat of the Batmobile, then climbed to the back through the driver’s side. He sat down on the back seat and glared at the Joker with crossed arms. The Joker just gave him a smile before turning to stare out the front window to watch the far off police officers dragging the henchmen out of the warehouse.

“I regret nothing.” He said.

“You could have got us killed!” Robin said.

The Joker groaned and rolled his eyes. “Oh get over yourself. I’m the one who jumped down in front of Two Face, exposing my unarmed, unprotected self to all the people with guns or whatever. You two were safe in the shadows while  _ I _ made the distraction! And we’re not dead now! I think I deserve some credit.”

“No you don’t. It was a stupid move. You’re lucky we’re good at improvising around your recklessness.”

“You’ve had lots of practice.” He said. The Joker stared out the side window for a bit. The kid had a point, but he didn’t want him to. There’s nothing he hated more than people feeling good for proving him wrong. Maybe there was a way to scare Robin. Make him remember who he was, even if it wasn’t exactly about him.

He turned back to Robin, still sitting with his arms crossed. “How old are you?”

“Why does that matter?”

“I was just going to say it seems reckless to throw a child at some trained killers to me.”

“I can hold my own better than you can.”

“Sure. But I’m just saying-” the Joker sat forward again in his seat and smiled, “-so could the last one.”

The words left a chill in the vehicle. The Joker could sense the tension in Robin rise, and he felt something tense in himself as well. His smile faded and he became aware of the sickening, metallic blood in his mouth. He never liked the taste of blood. It made him feel a slight bit ill - but that might not have been the blood alone.

Perhaps he took it a bit too far.

Batman got in the Batmobile and didn’t say a word to the Joker or Robin. He did give each of them a passing glance to check on them, but nothing else.

They left the warehouse and began to patrol the streets of Gotham. Nothing happened for a long while, and the Joker got bored. He kept trying to roll down the windows until Batman locked the controls on them. The silence and passing time did manage to dilute some of the tension, but there was plenty still hanging around them.

In the silence, the Joker was painfully aware of the current state of his life. He didn’t have a possession to his name, he was both working  _ and _ living with his arch enemy, and all of his friends abandoned him. Once upon a time he had been the most feared man in Gotham, and now he’s going after the same criminals he used to run with. For crying out loud, he just helped one get arrested! What was he doing? What possessed him to do this? What was the end goal? Was there an end goal?

Maybe this was just another deep end for him to jump off into. And he did it headfirst.

Batman turned the police radio in the Batmobile on, but the Joker was too focused on reanalyzing his life choices to pay attention. He couldn’t focus-

“- _ the Penguin- _ ”

The Joker turned his head very slowly towards the radio.

He could certainly focus now.

“You’re staying in the car.” Batman said. 

The Joker glared at him. “Oh no I’m not.”

“Yes you are. I’m not going to risk you screwing anything up with your anger.”

The Joker and Batman continued to argue. He had the growing feeling it was futile to fight about it, but being confused about his current life choices and how he should feel about everything was frustrating. Plus, he so desperately wanted to give the Penguin exactly what was coming to him. Revenge sounded so fulfilling. Arresting him was the least he could do to get back at the Penguin for destroying his warehouse. 

Then again, he knew Batman wouldn’t care that he had a reason for wanting to fight the Penguin. There was no way he’d be allowed to help. Batman was just as stubborn as he was. He screwed up with Two Face, and that ruined his chance for revenge tonight.

It made him hate Two Face even more.

They arrived at wherever the Penguin was - the Joker hadn’t been listening to the radio  _ that _ closely. Batman and Robin left the Batmobile and the Joker didn’t move until they were gone. He shifted from his seat and to the floor. His anger lessened and he became confused about his current choices again. He shifted on the floor in an attempt to lie down, but ended up just leaning with his back against the control panel with his feet propped on the door.

The silence became unbearable quicker than any other time that night. He took out his phone and scrolled through the numbers, not remembering exactly who was who again. Well, he could recognize a couple. They were the ones he usually called when he was bored or alone. But he couldn’t call most of them right now. He knew a couple were probably busy, one wasn’t talking to him, and the other one was about to get punched in the face by Batman. Not that he wanted to call those numbers anyway. Each possible selection harbored a bit of anger from him for mostly different reasons. They probably each had their own anger for him, too.

Well, not probably. They definitely did.

Catwoman was his best bet to call. She already had called earlier, so he assumed she had the least amount of anger for him at the time. Plus, her number was the easiest to get to because she had already called him.

He held the phone up to his ear and listened to it ring. He didn’t expect her to pick up right away or anything. After all, she was out doing whatever tonight like usual. But he was bored and frustrated and wanted someone to talk to.

The phone clicked. 

_ “Are you done with the patrol tonight already?”  _ She asked.

“No, I’m just not allowed to help anymore.” The Joker said, staring at his shoes.

_ “What happened?” _

“I punched Two Face.”

_ “In which face?” _ She laughed.

He smiled. “Both of them.”

_ “Isn’t the point of fighting criminals to punch them or something? I mean, that’s how he always seems to makes it out.” _

“Well see, I punched him ‘recklessly’.”

She paused.  _ “How else are you supposed to punch someone?” _

“I don’t know. I looked so good doing it, too. I dropped down into a spotlight and everything. It was perfect!” He sighed. “Now he won’t let me go after Penguin with him.”

_ “Are you serious?” _

“I wish I wasn’t.”

_ “He knows Penguin blew up your warehouse, right?” _

“Oh I made sure he did when we argued about it. I made my feelings about the whole situation very clear to him. I think he knows I’m a little unhappy about it.”

_ “You should have gone anyway.” _

“They locked me in the car and I can’t figure out how to unlock it from the inside.” He glances up at the door. “His car’s weird.”

_ “Well he’s got to keep those crazy criminals off the streets after he arrests them somehow. What good would it do to put us in there if we could just get out again?” _

“But what if he locked his keys in the car?”

She paused.  _ “You’re really bored, aren’t you?” _

“Extremely.” He stretched out one leg and pressed his foot on the window, then stared down at the floor. “Also I think I’m having some kind of crisis.”

_ “What kind of crisis?” _

“The one where all of your choices in hindsight are bad and you realized you might be on the verge of falling apart.”

_ “That sounds like a normal Wednesday for you.” _

“I guess so.”

The locks clicked and the passenger door was opened. The Joker’s foot fell from the window and hung out the door. He looked up, and the Penguin stared down at him, looking a little worse for wear. His hands were cuffed and he wore a scowl. Batman stood behind him.

“What are you doing down there?” The Penguin asked.

“Trying to get down to your level.” The Joker said with a glare and scowl of his own. Behind him he could hear Robin climb into the backseat once again, but he didn’t turn to look.

“Get in the back, Joker.” Batman said.

“No.” The Joker said.

Batman narrowed his eyes. “Get in the back.”

The Joker didn’t move for a moment, but then got up and slid into the back seat, directly behind the passenger seat. After hanging up his phone and returning it to his pocket, he slouched and crossed his arms, propping a foot on the back of the front seat’s headrest as Batman forced the Penguin into the Batmobile. The door shut and Batman made his way to the other side.

“Nice to see he’s trained you to obey him so quickly.” The Penguin said. The Joker kicked the back of the headrest, receiving a harsh ‘Quit it’ from Robin. The only person who could ever provoke the Joker like he provoked everyone else was the Penguin. 

And it seemed like the Penguin wanted to die tonight with how far he decided to take it on the ride to Arkham.

“So Batman,” the Penguin began as they drove. “How long do you think this is going to last with the clown?”

The Joker attempted to burn through the headrest and into the Penguin’s skull with his glare.

“As long as he lets it.” Batman said, not looking from the road.

“Oh, so another hour.” The Penguin said. The Joker could feel the joy in the Penguin’s voice. He knew what he was doing. He wanted to wreck this whole notion of reform to the point Batman would never consider it again. He wanted to show Batman what the Joker could be, even if that meant risking his own safety. He just needed to plant a seed of doubt. He knew what he was doing. 

And the Joker knew it, too. And he was playing right into his hand no matter how much he didn’t want to.

“Has he told you about all his problems, yet?” The Penguin asked. No response. “We used to have a rotation to see who’d have to deal with him for a week at a time - no one could stand being around him for more than that. Got rid of it when he destroyed poor Dr. Quinn’s mind and everything. Guess he finally got someone to care enough about him to willingly make sure he remembered to eat. Surprised me, certainly. Didn’t think he’d ever find someone like that out there. I mean he did have to brainwash her to get her to, but it’s the thought that counts. Too bad she’s not talking to him anymore. He was never that great to her anyway. Guess even when you trick someone into loving you, you still find ways to push them away, huh Joker?”

The Joker felt his nails dig into the palms of his hands as he sat, thinking and seething in rage.  _ Don’t respond. Don’t respond. That’s what he wants. He just wants a reaction. _

The Penguin continued. “Don’t know how you’re going to handle having to be an adult for once in your life, Joker. Take responsibility for your actions - you know for certain Batman’s going to make you do that. Plus you’re going to have to remember to do normal people things and no one’s there to make sure you do it yourself. Like eat. I know you always had a problem with that.” No response again. “Was never quite sure where that stemmed from. Hardly doubt you know yourself, but you might. So tell me, Joker, is from a lack of self worth or your want to die? Or maybe your inability to focus on anything, or that you focus too hard and just forget. It could just be your atrocious memory - you certainly like to put the blame on that one a lot.”

The Joker looked down at his hands. There was blood coming from where he dug his fingernails in. He saw Robin glance over at him out of the corner of his eye, but he didn’t look over. Instead, he clenched his fists again and kept glaring at the headrest.

“You wanna hear something hilarious, Batman?” Penguin asked. Once more, no response. “Our Clown Prince of Crime gets afraid. Has panic attacks. It’s crazy. You’d think the most feared man in Gotham City would have nothing to fear himself. But apparently he does. It’s can take up to  _ hours _ to get over most of them. Sometimes days. They come out of nowhere most times, too. He won’t do anything about them. Insists he’s fine. But we all know he’s lying. He’s never fine. Don’t think he ever has been.”

The Joker got a plan in his head. He couldn’t let Robin catch on, and since he was in the backseat, Batman wouldn’t see a thing. He’d still have to be discreet, which could have been hard if he was anyone else. Sleight of hand was such a wonderful party trick.

“And I’m not even getting into all his crimes. Those are a whole other issue on their own. It makes me wonder if you yourself know which ones were his...and which ones were the  _ others _ . His  _ copy cats _ , his... _ relatives _ . Can’t even keep track of it myself sometimes. I know one time he couldn’t either. Sent him into such a spiral since he couldn’t remember doing it. Could barely contain his insanity over it.” The Penguin paused. “You know, it’s probably one you’re quite familiar with. I think you remember the time when he killed-”

And that’s when Joker couldn’t take it any longer.

He had taken off his belt and wrapped it around his hands, just waiting to see how far Penguin wanted to go with it all. Before he could finish speaking, the Joker launched forward, caught the Penguin’s neck with the strap of the belt, and pulled back hard. Batman tried to reach over and grab the Joker to get him to quit, but the Joker slid over as far as he could in the backseat and out of his reach. He could feel the Penguin struggling to pull the belt away. It was no use since the adrenaline rush the Joker was getting made it near impossible for the Penguin to fight back. He felt so powerful with the Penguin’s life in his hands.

But it was all gone the instant Robin punched him in the nose.

With a scream he let go of the belt and his hands immediately went to his face. There was already so much blood from his nose. He didn’t care that Batman was yelling at him or that he knew the Penguin was still alive and reveling in his success.

But he did care about Robin.

Oh, he cared a lot about Robin.

He let go of his face and shot a glare at the kid that could have killed him if someone figured out how to weaponize it. Robin moved back as far as he could in the seat until his back was pressed up against the wall of the car. There were no doors in the back. He couldn’t escape. He was stuck with him. Robin was trapped in a very small space with a very angry criminal who had on no handcuffs or restraints. A criminal that he knew had killed before and had just attempted it again.

The Joker reached over and grabbed Robin by the collar of his cape, pulling his face too close for comfort to his own. For a moment the Joker said nothing, but when he spoke, it was a low hiss that echoed through Robin’s soul.

“Have you ever wondered what Hell’s like? Because I’d be happy to take you there.”

Robin pushed the Joker back and he let go. He fell back to his side of the car, looked at Robin for a second, then smiled. Blood streamed down from his nose but he made no move to do anything about it.

“Careful, Joker.” Penguin said with a cough. “We don’t want to repeat history.”

The Joker stopped smiling.


	10. Don't Even Go There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the Joker, the night goes from bad to worse.

Batman left the Joker in the backseat while he took the Penguin into Arkham. Robin insisted on coming along and Batman didn’t argue with him. He didn’t want to leave anyone in the Batmobile with the Joker anymore. While dragging the Penguin into Arkham, he thought hard about going back and bringing in the Joker as well. Perhaps this whole thing wasn’t a good idea. Maybe he should have thought about it more before offering it in the first place.

They returned to the vehicle once the Penguin was locked up. When Batman got in, he glanced up at the rearview mirror. The Joker was still sitting in the back in the darkness, right in the middle, staring down at his fingernails. He didn’t move or say anything, even after they started to drive off. Once they got quite a ways away from Arkham, the Joker leaned forward from the backseat, still staring at his fingers.

“Hey Batsy,” he said. “Do you have a bandaid?”

“Why do you need it?” Batman asked.

“I don’t have any fingernails.”

Both Batman and Robin gave a quick glance over to him after that comment. Sure enough, the Joker’s nails were all either cracked up or completely gone. And with the blood coating his fingers, it was from something recent.

“What did you _do_?” Robin asked.

“You two left me alone with my frustrations in a small vehicle with nothing to do.” The Joker said, not looking up. “Then I decided your upholstery was boring and needed some updating.”

Robin looked back and Batman glanced up to the mirror again. The seats were in shreds. Pieces of the leather were laying in limp strips and the cushioning was spilling out.

“You tore up the seats? With your _hands_?” Robin asked.

“Mostly just with my nails, which is why they’re gone.” The Joker said. He sat back in the seat and stared out the side window. From what Batman could make out in the darkness of the back through the rearview mirror, the Joker looked tired and even a bit disappointed. Or maybe it was guilt. It was almost surprising to see - Batman wasn’t aware that he could express either.

He figured it’d be best if they just went home for the night. It was late and they managed to stop two notable criminals already. The police scanner wasn’t picking up anything anyway - perhaps the rest of the night would be quiet. If there was an emergency he could always go out again. Maybe he would just stay in the cave for the rest of the night and monitor. He could keep the Joker with him while he did. It’d be easier to make sure he wasn’t doing anything if he was.

Nothing was said again until they reached the Batcave. After he brought the Batmobile to a stop, Batman gave a glance up at the mirror again and could just make out the Joker watching the blood drip down from his fingers.

“Go upstairs.” Batman told Robin. Robin got out of the car and left. The Joker looked over to the mirror Batman was watching him in and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say a word. “You can’t be that reckless.”

The Joker dropped his hand down and fully turned to the mirror, locking eyes with Batman in the front seat through it. “I don’t know what you expected.”

“This won’t work if you don’t listen.” He said. They stared at each other in silence for a moment before the Joker turned and looked out the window. “You put Robin and I in danger when you pull stunts like you did tonight. You can’t let your anger with someone get in the way.”

The Joker grinned but didn’t turn. “That’s rich coming from you.”

Batman crossed his arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’ve seen anger get the best of both of you plenty of times.” He turned to the mirror, still with the grin. “I've got the scars to prove it."

He looked back to his fingers and they sat in silence for a second.

“Was what Penguin said true?” Batman asked.

He didn’t move but lost his smile. “If it wasn’t, do you think it would have bothered me as much?”

It was quiet again. The Joker touched his nose and winced. The bruising seemed worse and blood covered the area above his lip.

“I’ll have Alfred bring you some pain medication-”

“I don’t need it.”

The reply almost cut Batman off it was so quick.

Batman furrowed his brow. “It looks like you do.”

“I don’t.” The Joker glared at him. “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He sighed and looked away. “Can I get out of the car now?”

Batman said nothing, but did get out of the car and held open the door for the Joker, who pulled himself out afterwards. He walked over to the spread of large, glowing screens that made up the Batcomputer. Several displayed different street cameras of Gotham and one with a wall of text dealing with a case he had been looking into. He noticed the Joker heading up the stairs behind him.

“You’re staying down here.” Batman said as he pulled the case file onto one of the larger screens.

The Joker stopped and turned to him. “But I’m tired.”

He read over the document he pulled up. “Justice doesn’t sleep.”

“Can’t justice forgive me just this once?”

“No.”

He didn’t look, but he could hear the Joker give a sigh, then come back down the stairs. With a quick glance, he saw him plop down in one of the two rolling chairs and slouch as far as he could in it without sliding off.

For a couple hours, they said nothing to each other. At some point, Batman pulled his cowl off. Every once in awhile he would tear himself away from the case he studied to see what the Joker was doing. Most times he’d be spinning around in the chair and staring at nothing. A couple other times he would stare at his fingers, hum some song Bruce didn’t recognize, or put his hands to his nose and wince. Sometimes he’d roll his head around and stare at the ceiling, then go back to spinning the chair.

Alfred came down with a very late dinner for Bruce, though didn’t bring anything for the Joker. Bruce couldn’t tell if it was from spite or that Alfred just didn’t realize the Joker was still down in the cave with him.

“Thank you, Alfred.” Bruce said when Alfred set the tray down. He looked over at the Joker, who at some point had become transfixed on one of the smaller screens that had footage from a street camera streaming. There wasn’t even anything particularly interesting that Bruce could see going on on it. It seemed that the Joker was just that bored. At no point had he attempted to clean himself up, so the dried blood still coated his face and hands.

Bruce turned back to Alfred. “Could you bring him some pain medication? He keeps saying he’s fine but I don’t believe him.”

The Joker made no protest this time. He probably didn’t hear him.

“Of course, Master Bruce.” Alfred said with a nod, the headed off to get some.

Bruce sat himself down in the other chair and stared up at the screens. Even after hours of pouring over the case files, he felt like he hadn’t made any progress. Three loosely related murders in the span of two months and he had no idea how to go about it.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He was tired.

The Joker pushed himself off the desk near him and rolled over to Bruce, bumping his chair with his. Bruce looked over at him, but couldn’t even bring himself to glare. It was late and he’d used all his energy on the case.

“How’s it going?” The Joker asked, looking at the file on the screen.

“Fine.” He said.

They sat next to each other in silence for a bit, both reading over the file, before the Joker turned and pushed himself off of Bruce’s chair, back over to the desk. Bruce watched as he picked up one of the Batarangs from the desk, twirling it around in his hand.

“Can I have one?” He asked.

“No.”

He spun his chair to face Bruce. “How am I supposed to protect myself then?”

“I thought that’s why you took your gun back.”

The Joker grinned and gave a small laugh. “You knew?”

“Of course I did. I also know you don’t have any bullets for it either.”

“Yeah…” he sighed and tossed the Batarang back on the desk. “I used my last one on the door handle this morning. It’s totally useless to me.” He lifted up the flap of his suit coat, showing off the gun he sewed to the inside of it. “I couldn’t even get it out if I wanted.”

Bruce smiled. “That’s really stupid.”

“I know it is.” He said, letting go of the coat. He started to spin himself lazily around in the chair again.

“If you knew it didn’t have anymore bullets, why’d you still bring it?” Bruce asked.

He didn’t stop spinning. “It makes me feel safe. I don’t know why, but it does.”

Alfred returned to the two of them and presented the Joker with a glass of water and a pill. The Joker stopped spinning, stared at it, then looked at Bruce.

“I told you I’m fine.” He said.

“Take it, Joker.” Bruce said.

“No.”

“Take it.”

The Joker stared at it a bit longer before taking it from Alfred’s hand. Alfred didn’t even have a chance to hand him the water when the Joker popped it in his mouth and swallowed it whole, making sure to open up his mouth and show him that it was gone. Alfred’s raised eyebrows and the Joker smiled, though it wasn’t a happy smile.

“You get used to swallowing pills at Arkham.” He said, spinning around in his chair again. “They won’t deal with you otherwise.”

“They’re trying to help you, Joker.” Bruce said as Alfred headed back upstairs.

The Joker spoke quietly as he stared at the floor  “No they’re not.”

They returned to the silence they started in. Bruce focused on the case again, periodically looking over at the Joker. About ten minutes after Alfred left, the Joker was having a hard time keeping himself from falling asleep. His head would bob up and down as he tried to stay awake, and eventually he gave in and found a way to curl himself up in his chair.

For a couple minutes, he didn’t move. Bruce decided this was a good enough opportunity to pull up the Joker’s criminal reports, Arkham information, and everything else he had logged on the computer. Moments after it popped up on the screen, the Joker spoke.

“Updating my profile, Bats?” He asked. Bruce looked over. His eyes were barely open and he spoke almost incoherently, but apparently he was still awake enough to understand what he was looking at. The Joker shifted a bit to rest his head on his arm. “You’re probably the best one to do it. I think you know me better than I do. I think everyone does.”

His eyes stayed open for a few seconds more, then shut. Bruce turned back to the screen. He probably should add to it. A bit at least. Maybe also update some other profiles as well.

For about two hours he went through the different criminals, adding whatever new information he could to their files and picking off bits of the food Alfred had brought him. With the Joker’s, he added information, but also went back through what he knew to see if anything the Penguin had said lined up with previous entries. Whether it was from the Joker putting up a front during his crimes or from the Penguin stretching the truth, he couldn’t find any definitive answers. Though with the relatively recent entries, he noticed that he had made notes that the Joker seemed a bit unfocused and less cheerful with his crimes.

It was most prevalent in entries after Jason’s death, but that might also have been from Bruce’s own attitudes during that time clouding his focus.

He closed the files. He was too tired to keep working tonight. The Joker was still asleep, and though Bruce didn’t really want to wake him up, he wasn’t going to leave him in the cave and he certainly wasn’t going to carry him upstairs.

He got out of his chair and stepped over to the Joker, shaking his shoulder to try to get him to wake up. He paused, received no response, and tried again. The Joker’s hands swatted him away and then he held his arms in front of his face, but not to stop any light from the screens from shining in his eyes, rather, it seemed, to shield himself from Bruce. Like he was trying to defend himself.

“Get up, Joker. We’re going upstairs.” Bruce said.

The Joker kept his arms and hands over his face, but moved them enough so that he could look up at Bruce. He said nothing and stared at him, confused. Not like he didn’t understand, however, but rather like he had no idea who Bruce was. His eyes flashed around, taking in his surroundings.

“We’re still in the Batcave.” Bruce said. He was tired and wanted to go to bed. This is not what he wanted to deal with. The Joker just blinked and stared at Bruce again. He took one of the Joker’s arms and pulled him up slowly. He must have been in the middle of a sleep cycle to be this disoriented. “C’mon.”

He could feel the Joker try to pull his arm away from Bruce’s grip, so he let go. At least he was sitting up now, though he seemed just as confused as before. Perhaps even moreso.

“Let’s go, Joker.” Bruce said. The Joker rose from the chair, but stayed put for a moment when Bruce started for the stairs. “What’s wrong?”

He said nothing, stared at the screens - though at no specific one or detail on them - then shuffled towards Bruce. Something was off.

When they reached the stairs and began to ascend, the Joker stopped and put a hand on Bruce’s shoulder, making him stop as well. He looked back to the Joker.

“What?” Bruce asked.

He said nothing, just stared at Bruce for a while. The confusion hadn’t left his face. How was he still this disoriented?

“Did you wake me up?” He asked. It didn’t sound like his voice. Bruce wasn’t sure what part of it was different, but there was something. It sounded...serious.

“I did.” Bruce said. The Joker let go of his shoulder but didn’t let his hand fall to his side. Instead, as he glanced around at the cave, he let his thumb run over his fingers. As soon as it rubbed one without a nail, his eyes shot over to it. He stared at his hand covered in dried blood for a while, eyes darting between each finger.

“What’s wrong?” Bruce asked.

The Joker shook his finger at Bruce but didn’t look up at him. “You woke me up.”

“Joker-”

“You woke me up. You woke me up.” His hands went to his head and he tugged at his hair. “You woke me up. Why did you wake me up?”

“Joker, what’s wrong?” Bruce asked. He attempted to reach out and grab him, but the Joker then collapsed on the stairs, still holding his head.

“Why did you wake me up? Why did you wake me up?” He kept asking it over and over as he curled himself up on the stairs with his arms over his face.

“I was taking you upstairs.” Bruce said, kneeling down next to him.

“You can’t wake me up. No one wakes me up. You’re not supposed to wake me up.”

Bruce paused. “Why not?”

The Joker didn’t say anything for a moment, then wrapped his arms around his face tighter. “I can’t remember. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Bruce put a hand on the Joker’s shoulder and…

Was he crying? Was the Joker actually crying?

To be honest, Bruce thought he wasn’t capable of it. And yet here he was. On the stairs of the Batcave crying.

He sat next to the Joker for awhile, waiting for it all to pass. The whole time he went on and on about how he shouldn’t be awake and that he didn’t know what was going on. Bruce had no idea what to do.

After a time, the Joker went silent and let his arms fall from his face. He stared forward into the darkness of the cave and made circles on the stairs with his finger.

“Do you want to go upstairs now? It’ll be better than lying here on the stairs.” Bruce said. The Joker stopped moving, then sat himself up. Bruce stood up and held out a hand to him. He looked at it for a bit before taking it and allowing Bruce to pull him to his feet. As they walked up the stairs, he stared at his feet and held his upper left arm with his right hand.

Not a word was said as they travelled through the mansion’s halls when they got out of the Batcave. The only potential issue that they came across was when the Joker stopped to stare into a mirror. Bruce watched him figure out that, yes, that is him in the mirror. Then he pulled him away from it as his expression turned from confusion to anger.

Bruce led the Joker back to the room he had been staying in. He wandered in and pressed his forehead to one of the posts of the bed. As Bruce turned to leave and shut the door, the Joker spoke.

“Please don’t ever wake me up again.” He said.

Bruce didn’t reply. He shut the door behind him and locked it. For a moment, he paused by the door, listening to see if the Joker would do anything else, but he heard nothing. He then retreated into his own room to sleep.

 

The next morning, Bruce brought a breakfast tray Alfred had prepared to the Joker’s room. With how the Joker had acted the night before, he didn’t really want Alfred or Tim near him. Plus, the relief he saw on Alfred’s face when he offered to take it up made it clear Alfred didn’t want to go near him either.

However, when he entered his room, the Joker was nowhere to be seen. It didn’t even look like his bed had been touched.

Bruce searched the room to see if he could have been hiding in plain sight perhaps, but couldn’t find him at all. He set the tray down on the dresser and looked under the bed, even though he was mostly certain he couldn’t have fit underneath it. The Joker had surprised him with the odd places he had hidden himself before, however. But this time his hunch was right - he wasn’t there.

Bruce shot up and went to check the wardrobe. Wasn’t there either. And there was nothing for him to hide behind in the room that wouldn’t have been completely obvious.

The only other option besides the growing concern that he had escaped was the bathroom. Bruce stormed into it and threw the lightswitch on.

The sudden flailing of someone in the bathtub made Bruce jump. Apparently it made the Joker jump too, because as soon as the light came on he screamed.

“What?” He yelled. He was sitting in the bathtub fully clothed and clutching the sides of the tub as tight as he could. “What’s wrong? What’d I do?” He looked around. “Why am I in the bathtub?”

Bruce breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought you got out.”

The Joker turned to Bruce and raised his eyebrows. “And go...? Where? Where would I go? Nowhere, that’s where.” He waved his hand around. “Why would I leave this?”

“I couldn’t find you for a minute.” Bruce said. It looked like the Joker had tried to clean himself up a bit last night - the blood on his face was mostly gone, as was the blood on his fingers. However, there was a whole new helping of blood covering his right hand. “What happened to your hand?”

The Joker looked at it, turning it around and back again to get a better look. He went to look at Bruce again, but stopped at the mirror on the wall. He pointed to it. “I think that happened to it.”

Bruce turned to look at the mirror. It was shattered. Whatever had shattered it had done so from a centralized point. It would make sense if it was the Joker’s fist, that’s for sure.

“I guess this means I’m in line for a heap more bad luck, huh?” The Joker said.

Bruce looked back to him. “What happened last night?”

He shrugged, still staring at the mirror. “Ya got me. I can’t remember anything after I took...”

The pause made Bruce arch an eyebrow. “What?”

“Did you wake me up?”

They locked eyes. Bruce felt like he shouldn’t respond, but he couldn’t understand why.

“Yes.”

The Joker stared at him for a while in silence. Bruce could sense some kind of anger rising within the Joker, but it didn’t seem to be a violent kind. He looked down at his bloody fist.

“Don’t ever do that again. Not if I take anything beforehand.” He said, not looking up.

“Why not-?”

“Just don’t.”

The Joker kept staring at his fist and Bruce realized he wasn’t going to get the answers he wanted to at the moment. It’d be better to talk to him later, so he left the Joker to stare at his bloody hand in the bathtub alone.


	11. We Go Back A Long Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selina is better at taking care of Joker than Bruce is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got an overhaul on the edit and now it's a heck ton shorter

“I really don’t feel sorry for you.” Selina said to Bruce over the phone once he finished going off about the Joker behavior the night before. “It’s like an initiation for taking care of him - he gets on your nerves and you have to learn to deal with it.”

“Is Batman complaining about the most high maintenance man in the world?” Pamela asked, not looking away from the road. She was bringing both Selina and Bane along on this gray, misty morning in some moving truck she managed to grab in order to go get the poker table from the Joker’s warehouse - that is, if it was still salvageable. If it wasn’t, then plan B was to snatch one from somewhere else. Probably from the Iceberg Lounge. That way Selina could get Oswald back for blowing up the Joker’s warehouse and Pamela could get him back for having to hitch a ride home with Selina afterwards. Bane would just be there too, probably with his own rationalization for it. Everyone wanted to get Oswald back for something.

“He is.” Selina said with a yawn, glancing over to her before slouching down in the seat and propping her feet up on the dashboard. She looked like she had just rolled out of bed - which she had since Pamela showed up to her apartment uninvited that morning to pick up the table. So now she was stuck in a pair of sweatpants she stole from Bruce last time she was over at the manor, a sweatshirt she took from Edward that one time she had to crash at his place for a night, and a ratty pair of sneakers she had been keeping by the front door as a reminder to herself that she needed to throw them out and ‘borrow’ a new pair from Harley. It didn’t help that, in comparison, Bane and Pamela were both practically decked out in their criminal getups (though it appeared there was attempt from both individuals to make their outfits a bit more casual - which didn’t really work).

“What gives him the _right?_ ” She glares at the road as she drives. “He’s only had him for one day - I got stuck with him for a week a couple months ago and nobody wanted to hear me complain.”

“That’s because you complain about him every other moment of your life.”

“Yeah, but at least I have the experiences to back up those complaints.”

“Oh and Batman doesn’t?” Selina asked with a laugh. “I think he’s got more of a right to complain about his _arch-enemy_ than you do.”

“Joker just gets on your nerves, Pamela, not actively try to destroy them.” Bane said, receiving a smile from Selina.

“It certainly feels like he does.” Pamela said.

“So…” Selina said to Bruce, trying to return to the conversation she was actually interested in. She had made sure to turn down her phone volume so that neither Pamela or Bane could hear her and Bruce’s conversation. “What’s he doing right now?”

Bruce sighed. _“I don’t know, he’s locked in his room-”_

“You locked him in his room?” Selina raised an eyebrow.

_“Of course I did, he could-”_

“Does he have anything to do in there?”

_“He’ll figure out something-”_

She shoot up in her seat. “You didn’t give him anything to do? At all? Don’t you know what happens when he gets bored?”

“He trashes your house then trashes himself.” Pamela said.

“Yeah, he’s going to destroy all of your stuff and then drink all your liquor.” Selina said.

“It doesn’t even matter how hard you try to hide it. I hid mine in the ceiling once when I had to watch him and he still found it.” Pamela narrowed her eyes thinking about it. “He’s like a bloodhound for alcohol.”

 _“Alright,”_ Bruce said. _“How do I get him to_ not _do that?”_

“Give him a movie- wait, he won’t like any of your movies.” She said. Pamela shut off the truck as they pulled up the charred remains of the Joker’s warehouse. She and Bane both stepped out of the truck’s cabin, with Selina climbing out after them.

 _“What’s wrong with my movies? You watch them all the time when you’re over.”_ Bruce said.

“I know, _I_ like your movies. I’m just saying that they’re not his taste.” The group entered the maze of debris that lay on the blackened ground.

“Movies are an absolute treasure when taking care of that nuisance nutcase.” Pamela said, ducking under a fallen beam. “Get the right ones and he’ll be distracted for hours.”

“I’ll send you a list of ones to buy. It’s a weird bunch of choices but it’s what he likes.” Selina said.

“Just make him get _The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari_.” Pamela said to Selina who waved a hand at her to shush her.

“Why that movie?” Bane asked, directing his question to Pamela as to not interrupt Selina as she named off a couple more movies and then moved on to different books to give the Joker in the meantime.

“It’s his favorite. It’s some weird, silent, black and white film that he kept telling me was the first horror movie or whatever. One of the guys in it looks like Penguin, though.” Pamela said.

“Wouldn’t he not want to see that after this?” Bane said, motioning to the debris around them. “I wouldn’t want to be reminded of the person who did that if I were him.” He tossed a piece of the collapsed metal roof off to the side that blocked their way.

“Oh please, I highly doubt the Joker’s going to stay _that_ mad at Oz. They’ve done worse to each other in the past and made up after like, a week. Their friendship is terrible but they always crawl back to each other in the end.” Pamela paused, though kept walking. “Or at least, Joker’s the one who’s usually crawling back. I honestly think at this point Oswald couldn’t care less if he never saw Joker again.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“It sounds like most of the Joker’s relationships.” She glared off to the distance as they continued their creep through the debris. “Certainly reminds me of one of them at least, except reversed.”

“Hey.” Selina tapped Pamela on the shoulder and put a hand over the phone. “What was that one book he keeps rereading but it takes him forever to get through?”

“All of them.” Pamela said.

“C’mon, seriously.”

She thought for a moment. “It’s _Lord of the Flies_.”

“Thank you!” Selina said. “It’s _Lord of the Flies_. Give him that one.” She paused. “But don’t give it to him directly. He’ll think you’re trying to torture him with child death.”

Bruce hesitated with his response. _“...what?”_

“He loves the book but doesn’t like it when the characters in it die because they’re kids.”

“He doesn’t really strike me as the type who’d have a problem with that.” Bane said, holding up a beam for them to walk under.

“You’d be surprised at what all he has issues with.” Selina said. She went back to addressing Bruce. “Look, I’ll come by in a bit and help you figure out what you need. I just need to finish up here first.”

 _“Alright. I’ll try to keep him busy in the meantime.”_ Bruce said.

The two bid their goodbyes and as soon as Selina hung up the phone, Pamela let out a screech that made both Bane and Selina jump.

“Look!” She said with a huge grin, pointing off to the midst of the rubble.

“Holy...” Selina couldn’t even finish her thought.

There it was. Sitting right in the middle of the destruction. Still in one piece.

_The poker table._

“How is it still together?” Selina asked, hopping over a chunk of metal and running a hand across the edge of the table. The felt on it was burnt off, but the wooden frame was still there, a little shaken up and singed, but still somehow together.

“It’s either been blessed by the gambling gods,” Pamela said, running her own hand across the wood of the table. “Or monstrously cursed.”

“And with our luck?”

“It’s been cursed.”

 

Selina showed up to Wayne Manor a bit later that day, carrying two plastic bags of what she saw as essential to taking care of the Joker. It was mostly snacks like pretzels, snack cakes, and just a whole box of crackers, but also a couple movies she knew she could get more copies of easily if she needed them back. And with how Harley wasn’t talking to the Joker, and how Bruce was having so much trouble with him already, if the Joker was kicked out of the mansion, her apartment would be the first place he went. She was his go to person when everything went wrong - or at least, when Harley wasn’t available.

It almost made her feel bad for not offering him a place to stay after his warehouse blew up.

Almost.

She opened the door and stepped into the mansion. Alfred was right on the other side of the door when she walked in.

“Hey, Alfred!” She said with a smile.

“Good afternoon, Miss Kyle.” He said, returning her smile.

“So where’s Bruce and the village idiot?” She asked.

“Upstairs.” Alfred looked at her, almost pleadingly, and lowered his voice. “Are you here to deal with him?”

“Who? Joker?” She laughed. “Oh yeah. Bruce was so desperate earlier he called me and asked that I come over and,” she paused, still holding onto her smile, “Impart my wisdom.”

“We certainly need it.”

A shout came from upstairs. Alfred and Selina exchanged glances before rushing up the manor’s large entrance hall staircase and through the maze of hallways towards the sound. They came to the Joker’s room, where Bruce was standing in the entrance looking flustered and bending over to pick a book up from the floor.

“I didn’t give you these to throw at me.” Bruce said, turning back to the room once he picked up the book.

“What did you expect me to do with it? _Read_ it?” A voice asked from in the bedroom. Selina knew that voice well; it was definitely the Joker.

Bruce looked to Selina. “You said he liked classics.”

“Nathaniel Hawthorne can go choke on my rap sheet!” The Joker shouted. Selina took the book from Bruce and handed him one of the bags she brought with her. She looked at the cover that read _The Scarlet Letter_.

“Yeah, no.” She said. “I was saying he likes classic _movies_. He’s a lot more picky with books.”

“If I can’t figure out what’s going on in just one sentence I give up.” The Joker said. “I get confused and angry and bored and move on.”

Selina peered into the bedroom and saw the Joker lying on the floor surrounded by books with one foot twisted up in the sheets. It looked like he fell off the bed while reaching for something and decided it’d be too much work to get back on. With one hand, he held up an open book above him. He turned from it to look at Selina and smiled.

“Hi.” He said.

“Well, hey there.” She said. “What’s with the suit?”

He looked down at himself and the unfitting suit he wore, then frowned. “Stupid Batman gave me a stupid black suit. It’s stupid and I hate it.”

“You don’t look that-”

He snapped the book close and whipped his head over to look at her. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

“Snap at me again and I’m not going to give you the presents I brought you.” Selina said, handing _The Scarlet Letter_ to Bruce and taking back the bag she handed him.

The Joker’s face lit up and he tried to get up off the floor, but with his foot still being caught in the sheet, he stumbled for a second as he did. After shaking his foot out of the tangled mess, he regained his balance and hopped over to Selina.

“What’d you bring me?” He asked, watching as she opened up one of the bags.

Selina pulled out a box of snack cakes and he snatched it from her and sat down on the floor to tear it open.

“Thank you!” He said, ripping open one end of the box.

She took out a bag of pretzels and dropped it in his lap. “Take these, too.”

After pulling out a snack cake package from the box, he wrapped his arms around the pretzels and was trying to tear both things open at once.

She looked at Bruce. “Do you not feed him?”

“I brought him breakfast earlier.” Bruce said.

“Well did he eat it?”

“I don’t know.”

“He didn’t.” Alfred said, standing behind Selina’s shoulder and watching the Joker from where he stood.

“Of course he didn’t.” Selina said. The three of them watched as the Joker ripped open the pretzel bag after shoving one of the cakes into his mouth. Once he grabbed a handful of pretzels, he looked up at them.

“What?” He asked

“You’re an animal.” Selina said with a smile.

“Says the cat lady.”

She lightly kicked his leg. “Watch it.”

“What else did you bring him?” Bruce asked.

“Crackers-” Selina said as she looked through the other bag. The Joker’s hand flew up and she gave him the box of crackers, which he then tore open in addition to all his other snacks. She went back to the bag. “-and a couple movies.”

“What movies?” Bruce asked.

Selina pulled out the three she brought. “We’ve got _Up_ , _Tarzan_ , _Pride and Prejudice_ , and the second _Jurassic Park_ movie.”

“I wanna watch that one.” The Joker tried to grab the DVD from Selina’s hand.

“Hold on, buddy. You’ve got nothing to watch it on.” She said, holding it out of his reach. She looked to Bruce. “Do you have a laptop or something I can give him so he can watch this while we go get him some more stuff?”

“Yeah, Tim left one of our spare ones in the home office before he went to school this morning.” Bruce said, still a bit thrown off by what the Joker had said.

“Pssh, school. What a nerd.” The Joker said, picking through the bag of pretzels in an attempt to find one with more salt on it than what laid on the top. “I bet he gets good grades or something.”

“He does.”

“Ugh. It’s like he’s a good student and works hard or something.”

“Unfathomable for one of Bruce’s kids.” Selina nudged Bruce with her elbow. “Go get the laptop.” She looked to Alfred. “You can go do whatever if you want. I can watch this idiot myself.”

“Are you sure, Selina?” Bruce asked.

“I’m a big girl, Bruce, and this isn’t my first time dealing with him.” She said with a look to Bruce. The two left her and the Joker alone. Selina plopped down on the floor next to him while he continued to stuff his face with the snacks she brought him. “So, how’s it going here?”

“I hate it.” He said between bites of the pretzels he shoved on his fingers like rings.

“Really?” She asked. He nodded and opened up a cracker package from the box. “Why?”

“Batman keeps locking me in my room and everything’s stressful. I punched a mirror last night and I keep getting really bored. I just wanna be able to walk around the house at least or get some kind of change of scenery.”

“He’ll let you roam around eventually. He just needs to get used to you being here.” She leaned back against the doorway and stretched her arms out in front of her. “It took him forever to trust me enough to bring me back here the first time, so you just showing up and...I don’t know... _infringing_ on his territory threw him off I guess.”

“That’s not my problem.” He pulled out a stack of crackers from the package.

“It kind of is.”

Bruce returned with the laptop and the two tried to get a movie set up for the Joker. It took them almost half an hour to get the Joker to understand how it worked and how to play the DVD’s on it. Even after they left him alone to it and his movie, they were both pretty sure he didn’t understand what he was doing.

Once they left him with his movie and made sure his room’s door was locked (and after Selina convinced Bruce not to move a dresser in front of it as well), Bruce had Alfred leave the manor before them to handle the separate household shopping. There was absolutely no way Bruce was willing to leave anyone in the manor with the Joker there while he wasn’t there to protect them.

“It shouldn't take us that long to go get everything.” Selina said as they headed for one of Bruce’s six black cars that he kept in his garage (though one was missing since Alfred had already left). Every time she saw them she wanted to take one. He probably wouldn’t even notice and she needed a new car more than he needed six. Then again she might be able to convince him to give her one for her birthday instead (though it was debateable if her current car would last that long). “We’ll just pick up some stuff from Target and then come right back here.”

Bruce looked at her with a furrowed brow as he unlocked the car. “Who’s Target?”

After a moment of hesitation, Selina placed her forehead on the edge of the car’s roof. “You wanna run that by me one more time?”

“What?” He asked.

“‘Who’s Target?’ Really, Bruce?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Target’s a store you fool!” She said with a laugh and opened up the door to the car, then mumbled: “You’re such a privileged rich kid.”

When Bruce got into the car after she had she looked over at him where he sat fiddling with everything on the driver’s side.

“I also just realized you’re wearing a suit. And we’re going to Target. And then I’m wearing this.” She motioned to her whole gray, comfy ensemble and Bruce smiled. “We’re gonna look so goofy next to each other.”

“At least we’re color coordinated.” He said as he started up the car.

“I think that’s gonna make it worse.”

They drove off from the manor and towards Gotham. As soon as the car left the driveway, Selina started flipping through the radio while she sat, leaning all the way over towards Bruce from the passenger seat with one foot propped on the dashboard.

“What happened to your shoes?” Bruce asked, looking at the falling apart sneakers that Selina wore.

“Two years and four cats happened to my shoes, Bruce.” She said, landing on a radio station she liked as she did.

“I can buy you new ones if you want.”

“It’s fine.” She pulled a credit card from her hoodie’s pocket. “Oz’ll pay for it”

Bruce glanced over while he drove. “Did you really steal the Penguin’s credit card?”

“I’m in charge of everyone’s cards when they go to Arkham, whether they want me to be or not.” She looked at him and smiled. “He’s also paying for my rent this month. And my debt.”

He gave her another glance but she kept smiling.

“I thought about making him also pay for all the stuff we’re gonna get for Joker, but I figured it’s your turn for that responsibility.” She said.

“My responsibility? Like he hasn’t done enough to me already?”

“But now you get to find out how expensive he is for the rest of us, too. And how hard it is to keep him manageable in like, domestic situations.”

“So the rotation thing is true?”

Selina nodded and stared out the passenger side window since they just now had entered Gotham. “It was between me, Ed, Pamela, and Oz. We got rid of it after Harley jumped into the picture, but sometimes we have to go back to it when she’s either not talking to or working with him or she’s out of town. Thankfully you’ve stepped in now because it was my turn this time if you didn’t. Osiris is still getting over his surgery and hates Joker being at my place, so I don’t want to put that stress on him.”

“Doesn’t that cat hate me too?” Bruce asked with a grin.

“Osiris is a grumpy old man and hates everyone. Except me. He loves me.”

They pulled up to red stoplight. “All your cats love you.”

“It’s because I’m the best.”

Bruce leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “Yes, you are.”

She looked up at him. “You’re not too shabby yourself.”

“So why isn’t Harley speaking to him now?” He asked as the light turned green they drove on.

“He forgot her birthday again.” With a stretch, she sat back upright and crossed her legs on the seat. “To be honest, there’s probably a lot more to it than just that. I think that this time it was just the final straw in this specific cycle of them being together.” Bruce nodded and she continued. “I don’t know what she expected though. His memory for practically everything is terrible. It took him forever to learn my actual name originally, so I don’t know how she expected him to remember her birthday any better. And I get that he should make an effort just to show that he cares or whatever, I get that that’s what she wants. He’s just...I don’t know. Things are weird with him.”

“Have you ever dealt with him on pain medication?”

The pause made Bruce glance over at her. Her eyes were wide.

“Did you wake him up?” Selina asked.

“Yes, and he acted really strange afterwards.”

“Oh Bruce, you can’t do that.” She put a hand to her forehead and dismissed him with one when he tried to talk. “I know, I know, you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to. No one ever does.”

“Do you know why it happens? Or even, really, what happens to him?”

The hand she put to her forehead she then moved to rub her temple with. “Not really. Harley’s pretty sure it’s because his body reacts differently to the stuff in the medication than other people’s typically do. Probably from whatever turned him into what he is, I guess. I don’t know.” She stared out the front window. “As for what happens to him, I kind of figured it was like his brain was trying to revert back to a previous state or something. Like it went back to him before he was the Joker, except, since he doesn’t remember that, he kind of gets stuck in memory limbo.”

“Is there a way to help him out of it?”

“Try not to wake him up in the first place if he takes any pain medication, or just try to get him to go back to sleep or relax. He usually doesn’t take being awake very well when that happens since he can’t remember what’s going on, so you might have to deal with him having a bit of a freakout.”

“That’s how it went last night.”

“Well then you should be fine if it happens again.”

He nodded and then there was a pause.

“It’s weird seeing him like this.” Bruce said.

“Yeah, the big bad clown’s got a sensitive side.” Selina sighed. “But you’ll get used to it. And I bet soon enough he’ll be getting on your nerves like he usually does. You two just need to get comfortable with each other and then you’ll be back to being at each other’s throats.”

“Oh joy.”


	12. It's Quiet, Too Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Selina return from Target, but realize quickly that maybe they shouldn't have even left in the first place.

Bruce and Selina got back to the mansion, and as Selina was pulling the bags out of the backseat of the car, she noticed that Bruce was distracted and looking around the garage.

“What’s up?” She asked.

“There’s another car missing.” He said.

Selina looked around. Sure enough, there were two open spaces in the garage rather than the one that was there from Alfred’s leaving when they left earlier.

“Tim’s still at school, right?” She asked. Bruce nodded.

There was a pause, then the two of them sprinted into the manor and up the stairs to the room they locked the Joker in before they left. The door was still shut and locked, but when they opened it up, they found one of the windows to the room was wide open.

“Oh no.” Selina said. 

Bruce shot a glare at her. “I thought you said the movie would keep him occupied?”

“I thought it would! It always did when I had to watch him.” She ran over to the window and leaned out to look at the ground. “How did he even get down? I didn’t think he was  _ that _ good at climbing.”

“We need to find him  _ immediately _ .” Bruce said before hurrying out of the room, no doubt heading straight for the Batcave. Selina ran after him and the two headed down the halls, through the library, and used the secret entrance to go down into the Cave.

Once Bruce sat himself down at the Batcomputer, he pulled up several of the feeds from cameras around the exterior of the manor, then started to rewind the footage.

“There, stop.” Selina said, pointing to one of the feeds where she spotted the Joker dropping straight out of the window to the ground. After Bruce rewound it a bit more, they saw that the Joker had climbed down as far as he could on the moulding and other design work of the house before letting go as to not injure himself too much.

The two of them checked the timestamp of when he left the room.

It was five minutes after they left the manor.

Selina slapped a hand to her forehead. “I didn’t make sure he was actually watching the movie.”

Bruce pulled up camera feeds from the streets of Gotham, then lept up from the computer. “I’m going out to find him. Stay here and monitor the feeds and tell me if you find anything.”

“Got it.” She said, taking the chair once he was up from it.

“If Tim gets back before I find him, have him take the bike and search as well.”

“Right.”

So, after getting on the Batsuit, he sped out of the Cave in the Batmobile and headed back to Gotham. For two hours they searched, Batman on the streets and rooftops and Selina pouring through the street cameras. Neither of them spotted any sign of him or the car he took the whole time, nor had there been any sightings of him on the police radio. Tim still hadn’t gotten out of school, but Alfred had returned and starting helping Selina look through the feeds.

Another two hours afterwards, Selina’s phone rang. She was so concentrated on the screens it made her jump, but quickly composed herself and answered it.

“Hello?” She asked.

“It’s Ed.” Edward replied.

“Ed! Have you seen Joker?”

“Yeah, that’s why I was calling.” He said. “He’s at my place.”

“Oh thank goodness.” Selina sighed and flopped down in the chair behind her. Alfred raised an eyebrow and she covered the phone to tell him: “He’s with Ed.”

“I’ll inform Batman.” Alfred said. 

Selina nodded and went back to the phone. “How’s he doing?”

“I mean…” Edward paused. “He’s how he usually is. And hey, do you know what happened to his hands and face? Most of his fingernails are gone and he looks like a bus hit him.”

“You’re not too far off.” Selina said. 

“Also, why’s he dressed in black? He never does that willingly, or in this degree at least.”

“He got desperate for clothes.” She paused. “Did he say why he went over to your place?”

“He was bored. He told me you have my sweatshirt - which I want back, Selina - complained about Batman for an hour and then fell asleep. He’s on my couch right now.”

“Can you hold onto him until Batman gets there?”

There was a pause.

“Does Batman know where I live?” Edward asked, his voice lowered.

“Probably.” Selina said.

“Selina, I really don’t want Batman to come to my apartment.”

“He’s probably already on his way, Ed.” She looked to Alfred, who nodded. “Did he drink anything while he’s been there, by the way?”

“Of course he did. That’s half the reason he’s asleep right now.”

Selina pinched the bridge of her nose. “Great. Enough to have a bad hangover or just one of the normal ones?”

“A normal one.” He said. “Trust me, I can get him to stop before it gets too bad.”

“I was kind of hoping for a bad one, honestly.” She stared up at the Batcomputer’s screens. “I wanted to yell at him and make it hurt worse.”

“That’s always your go-to punishing tactic for him isn’t it?”

“That’s because he always drinks too much after he does something he knows will make me mad.” She said with a smile.

Edward laughed, then paused. “I don’t think that’s why he does it. Not specifically for you, I guess. I think he’s more mad at himself when he drinks like that.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it anymore.”

There was a faint knock on the other end of the phone, the a deep voice that, even though she couldn’t make out the words, she knew it was Batman’s.

“I don’t want to let him in.” Edward said.

“It’ll only be for a minute.” Selina said.

“I don’t want him to know he was right and that I live here, Selina.” He said. “This is the one place I have left.”

She sighed. “We don’t get anyplace anymore, Ed.”

There was a pause and then another knock.

“Talk to you later, Selina.” He said.

“Bye, Ed. Batman’ll be out of your hair in no time.” She said.

“No he won’t.”

The call disconnected. Selina sat for a second with it still to her ear, then put it back in her hoodie pocket.

 

When Batman returned, the Joker was still passed out from Edward’s apartment and he was forced to carry him upstairs. Selina followed after Batman as he did, making sure that when they were back in the Joker’s room to shut and lock the windows, though Batman insisted on finding a more effective way to keep them closed and keep the Joker from getting out again. He then left Selina to watch the still sleeping Joker while he got something to help with the windows.

“You didn’t give Ed too much trouble when you got there, did you?” She asked once he returned. She sat on the bed next to the Joker while Bruce - who had pulled off the cowl at this point - worked on installing a few different security measures on the windows (amongst which was an alarm and a stronger lock on each of them.) The sky outside was much darker than when they left for Target; it was almost a ceiling of black at this point. With the lights in the room on, she could faintly make out Bruce’s reflection in the window panes, so she focused on watching him through it.

“No more than I give anyone else.” He said, picking up a screwdriver from the windowsill.

“He did help us get back Joker, Bruce.” She said.

“He’s still a criminal.”

“Yeah, Bruce, we all are.”

“You’re different.”

She leaned back on the bed, keeping herself propped up by her elbows. “Am I? Or are you just saying that because we’re dating and you want to make yourself feel better about it?”

He didn’t say anything.

She sighed. “Right.”

The Joker shifted on the bed behind her and she turned to look at him. He peered at her through half shut eyes.

“Hey sleeping beauty.” She said. He smiled. “I saw you got out of your locked tower today.”

“Evil witch can’t keep me in here.” He said through slurred speech. Selina laughed. 

“No he can’t, can he?” She sat up, then leaned over and nudged him with her hand. “And you even snuck off and visited a prince, didn’t you?”

“You bet I did.” He picked himself up from the bed a bit and then plopped half his body down on Selina’s criss crossed legs, resting his head on the knee that had been furthest from him. As soon as he did, Selina could sense he was about to go back to sleep again.

“You can’t leave like that, Joker.” Bruce said, still working on the window. 

The Joker, though still trying to fall back asleep, replied anyway. “Bite me.”

“I’m being serious.” He said, turning back from the window to glare at him.

The Joker didn’t move a muscle. “And that’s boring. Stop it.”

“If you aren’t going to cooperate this isn’t going to work.”

“What’re you going to do to me if it doesn’t?” 

“I’d take you back to Arkham.” Bruce said. Selina’s head snapped over to him with wide eyes, but then shifted her gaze away when he raised an eyebrow.

“Beauty, control your beast,” the Joker said. “I don’t appreciate the threats.”

She paused. “You know he’s not lying, Joker.”

The Joker stayed quiet for a bit. Bruce waited for a reply, but after none was given, he went back to working on the window. The three of them sat in silence for a while before the Joker mumbled something to Selina.

“What?” She asked, leaning over closer to him.

“Where’d you go?” He asked. His voice was quiet, still slurred and rather sleepy.

“We went to Target. We got you a bunch of stuff you’ll like.”

“Ooh, Target. The most high class of stores.” He said. Selina let out a small laugh.

They kept talking while Bruce worked. Every other sentence the Joker said was followed by a ‘what’ from Selina as he started to get more and more incoherent. Eventually, he stopped talking altogether, which is when Bruce finished up with the windows. He turned around and saw Selina staring down at the floor near him. One hand rested on the Joker’s shoulder and the other loosely stroked his hair. When Bruce turned, she looked up at him. There was a moment of them just looking at each other before Selina spoke.

“I think you should leave him here tonight. You and Tim can go out on patrol alone. I can stay here and watch him.” She said.

“Are you sure?” Bruce asked.

She looked at the Joker as he slept in her lap. “Yeah. Like I said earlier, this certainly isn’t my first time taking care of him.”

Bruce nodded, then cleaned up the tools he had been using and left the room.

 

Batman and Robin got home very late that night. In fact, it was basically morning at that point. Robin wanted nothing more than to just head to his room, tear off his costume, and sleep for days, but Batman needed him to do something first, and so that became the first priority.

“Go get Joker’s phone from his room. I want to put a tracker on it.” Batman said. Robin, through half shut eyes, nodded and headed upstairs.

In the process of heading to the Joker’s room, Robin stopped by his own room and shed the cape and mask, tossing them towards the bed as he walked past. They hit the floor instead, though he was too tired to notice and kept going.

Tim headed to the far opposite end of the manor and approached the room. Before opening the door, he listened against it. There was faint music playing, but nothing else. He turned the handle and nudged the door open just enough to get a look inside. From what he could see, the room was pitch black aside from one single bright source of light that lit up the far wall. He pushed the door open a bit more and saw that the light was coming from the laptop on Selina’s lap where she sat in the bed. She looked up from the laptop and gave him a small wave, then put a finger to her lips before pointing to the lump on bed beside her. He could just make out that she was pointing at the Joker, curled up next to her sleeping, his arms wrapped around her and his head digging into her side. Tim nodded and crept into the room, shutting the door partway behind him as he did before sneaking over to where Selina sat. The music from the laptop mixed with the sound of the rain beating the windows and soft, far off thunder outside.

“Do you know where his phone is?” Tim whispered.

“Yeah, it’s right there,” she whispered back, pointing to the nightstand besides the bed where a black phone sat. “Why?”

“Batman needs it.” He picked up the phone.

She raised an eyebrow. “Why does he need it?”

“He wants to put a tracker on it.”

With a sigh she set her head on the backboard of the bed. “Of course he does.” Before Tim could respond, she waved a hand at him and shook her head. “I know, I know. He’s got a point this time. I just…” She looked over at where the Joker still laid asleep. “Nevermind. Go ahead and take it to him. Just make sure he doesn’t screw with anything else on there.”

Tim nodded and took the phone to Batman, who gave him a thank you in return and said he’d put it back in the Joker’s room when he was done.

“Selina said not to mess with anything else on the phone.” Tim said. Batman nodded.

There was a pause.

“Why are you doing this?” Tim asked. “Why are you working with him? And letting him live here?”

“If he stays away from Gotham, then it will be better for everyone.” Batman said, beginning to go through the phone. “He can’t hurt the city from here.”

“But he could hurt us.” He said.

“He won’t.”

“How do you know that?”

“He has no interest in killing us.”

A pause. “Do you trust him?”

“No.”

“Then what’s going on?”

Batman pinched the bridge of his nose, then set down the phone on the console in front of him. There was a moment of silence before he responded. “I don’t know.”

Tim raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”

“No.” Batman stared at the phone sitting before him. “Right now I’m just trying to keep him out of Gotham.” He looked to Tim. “If you don’t feel safe, I can take you and Alfred to one of the safehouses in Gotham for until the Joker starts to cooperate or I have to take him back to Arkham.”

He shook his head. “Not right now. Selina’s got him under control for tonight, it seemed.”

Batman nodded. The two were in silence for a bit. The only sounds came from the fluttering bats far off in the cave and the occasional noises from the Batcomputer.

“Do you need anything else?” Tim asked.

“Not right now.” Batman said. 

He nodded. “Alright. I’m going back upstairs to sleep then.”

Batman said nothing and went back to working on the phone.

Tim did not, however, go back to his room. Instead, he went back to the Joker’s room. He peered in through the crack in the door since he didn’t shut it all the way when he left earlier. Selina was still watching whatever was on the laptop, and the Joker was still asleep besides her.

Tim stepped into the room, which prompted Selina to look up and wave to him like she had before. He waved back and shut the door behind him before walking over to Selina and, after glancing at the Joker to confirm he was still asleep, sat on the bed next to her.

“What are you watching?” He asked, though again in a whisper.

“ _ Chicago _ .” She whispered in reply. Tim looked at the screen where women dressed in 1920s flapper outfits danced and sung across the screen. The volume on the laptop was low, but he could still make out most of the lyrics. He glanced over to where the Joker slept.

“How long has he been asleep?” He asked.

“On and off for about three hours.” She replied, looking down at the Joker as well. “There was still a lot of alcohol in his system when you guys left, so it was really easy to get him to fall asleep. He wakes up every once in awhile, but it’s never for too long.”

Tim nodded and then noticed how tight the Joker’s hold on Selina was. His fists each had a good amount of her shirt’s fabric balled up in them.

“Is he okay?” He asked.

Selina continued looking down at the Joker. “Yeah, this is just what he does. He sleeps better if he’s holding onto someone. It’s probably because he’s such an intense and desperate extrovert.” She turned back to Tim. “You know, with my vast amount of knowledge about taking care of this idiot, you should just tell Bruce he should just go ahead and marry me. That way I’d get to live here and be married to Bruce and he wouldn’t have to deal with Joker. Win-wins all around.”

Tim laughed quietly and looked back to the laptop. He had no idea what was going on in the movie but it did look interesting. He kept watching it with Selina, asking questions every once in awhile about what was going on when he couldn’t inference it himself.

About twenty minutes later, the Joker finally made some sort of movement to show he was still alive. He let go of Selina and squinted at the laptop, holding a hand up in front of his eyes once he did.

“Turn over, buddy.” She said, pushing his shoulder to get him to roll onto his other side, which he did. “Movie’s not over and it’s dark in the other direction.”

Once he was on his right side and facing away from the light, Selina pulled one of the pillows out from behind her and dangled it in front of him. He took it in his arms and held it even tighter than he had Selina, then curled up around it under the sheets.

She glanced back over to Tim, who was watching it all. “It’ll keep him from fidgeting in his sleep.”

“Does he do that a lot?” He asked.

She smiled and returned to the movie. “All the time. He’s just a ball of energy, even when he’s asleep.”

Ten more minutes pass. Tim fell asleep with his head on Selina’s shoulder, but she was still awake and watching the movie, though she, too, was getting a bit tired.

The door opened up and a shadow slid through. Selina gave it only a passing glance since she knew who it was. It couldn’t have been anyone else. This house had too much security for someone to break in - she learned that lesson herself on more than one occasion.

“You didn’t mess with too much on the phone, right Bruce?” Selina asked in even more of a whisper than before since both Tim and the Joker were asleep.

“No. Just looked over a couple things and added the tracker as well as a way to monitor his calls and texts.” Bruce said, setting the phone on the nightstand. His silhouette was just barely illuminated by the laptop’s light, and Selina could just make out that he was all changed out of the Batsuit. He looked at Tim, then over to the screen, but Selina kept watching him.

“What’d you look at?” She asked.

Bruce shrugged and glanced at the Joker as he slept. “I went through his messages and contacts, but no one’s numbers are saved in there, so I had to figure out who everyone was by context.” He looked at Selina and raised an eyebrow. “You weren’t to hard to figure out.”

She smiled. “Why’s that?”

“Because he kept complaining about me to you, and you kept complaining back.” He said, gaining a grin of his own. She laughed, though a bit too loud since it woke Tim up, who blinked several times when he did and glanced back and forth between Selina and Bruce to gain a feeling for his surroundings. Bruce tapped him on the shoulder. “Go to bed, Tim.”

Tim nodded, and pushed himself up from the bed. When Selina told him goodnight, all he could manage was a sleepy wave to her as he left the room.

She looked back to Bruce. “I’ll be out of here in a minute if you want to head to bed. I’ve gotta put the laptop up and everything.”

Bruce nodded, gave one final look to the still sleeping Joker, then turned and left. Selina waited a few moments before picking up the Joker’s phone from the stand and checking through it. Nothing seemed too out of place, but she wasn’t entirely certain of how the Joker’s phone was beforehand. No matter the case, it seemed normal. More plain than one would expect, though that’s because the Joker had no idea how to do anything too fancy with it.

She figured she might as well trust Bruce with this one. He had no reason to go messing with the alarms or setup anyway. She set the phone back on the nightstand and shut the laptop, which then cast the room into total darkness. That was fine, she worked in darkness for most of her life anyway. One more night wouldn’t hurt her.

She sat there in the dark for a minute, listening to rain on the windows and the Joker sleeping next to her. Though she couldn’t see him, she stared at where he would have been.

How in the world did he ever become such an infamous criminal? He could hardly take care of himself. 

She paused and thought for a moment. Maybe that’s why he was so desperate for what little amount of friends he had - because he couldn’t survive without them. Who knows.

Selina gave him a light pat on the shoulder, then got out of the bed and left the room.


	13. It's Not You, It's Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joker isn't excited about who Batman's making him arrest tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is about Harley and the Joker.  
> There's a lot of discourse about the whole relationship and everything in regards to canon stuff, but this is my AU. A lot of stuff in the actual comics and continuity have been changed since I'm not on board with that stuff, but why have me ramble on about it when I can give you the usual disclaimer from when I do Harley and Joker stuff:
> 
> DISCLAIMER: The events between Harley and Joker in this story follow a different version than in the actual DC continuity. I do not approve of the actual relationship between them in continuity. This AU version is based off on my preconceived notions about the relationship instead of how it actually is.  
> Again, this is not the canon version of their relationship, but the version for it I made for the TDD AU.

Harleen Quinzel was working on her doctorate in criminal psychology at Gotham University when she first met the Joker. It was not during a crime, it was not during a trip to Arkham with a class, it was not happenstance on the street. It was when she spent the night over at Edward Nygma’s apartment after a study session with a bunch of their classmates. At the time, Edward was also working on his own degree in forensic science.

She had been too tired from studying to want to try and get back to her own place and Edward offered the couch to her, forgetting that, at the time, both Selina and the Joker were staying with him. The two had stayed quiet in the back rooms while the other classmates were over, so they didn’t even cross his mind until Harleen was already asleep. Selina was there because she didn’t have a place of her own and Edward just happened to have another room she could take. The Joker had moved in on accident.

It was just after 2 in the morning when the Joker woke Harleen up as he searched through the fridge for something to eat since he hadn’t in several hours, having forgotten to once again. The light from the fridge in the kitchen adjacent to the living room pierced through her shut eyelids and made her sit up from the couch to rub her eyes and see what was going on. She could only see the figure standing in front of the light and couldn’t tell who it was.

“Eddie?” She asked, stretching her back. The couch was cheap and just barely comfortable enough to fall asleep on. The Joker turned around and looked at her, surprised. In one hand he held a full carrot, and in the other, a water bottle. She recognized his face immediately, and flinched back in the couch. Before she could do anything else, the Joker put his hands out to tell her to stop, dropping the water bottle and letting it hit the ground with a _smack_.

“Wait! Don’t scream!” He said in a hushed whisper. Harleen sat frozen on the couch, and though scared, didn’t make a sound. The Joker motioned with his head to the nearby archway to the hallway to the other rooms. “Ed and Selina are still asleep and they’d be mad if they got woken up. _Especially_ if they figured it’s my fault. Which it would be like always.”

Harleen continued to stay quiet, but her heartbeat was probably loud enough to make up for it. She brought her legs up to the couch and pressed herself to the back of it. She had no idea what to do. There was an infamous criminal only feet from her who could do anything he wanted and-

She thought for a moment as she stared at him. He hadn’t moved either.

“Why are you in Ed’s apartment?” She asked. Her voice was quiet, but she seemed on the verge of shouting.

“I live here. Sort of.” He replied.

She paused. “You _live_ here?”

He shrugged and slightly straightened up. “Kind of. I didn’t mean to, and then I did.”

Another pause. “What?”

“I used to not live here, and then I kind of started living here, so I sort of live here now.”

Harleen nodded slowly. “Okaay...”

He shrugged again. “I know. It’s weird.”

“Does Ed know?”

“No. I’ve been living under his table and he just hasn’t noticed yet.”

She almost wanted to smile at that. Almost.

“Yes, he knows.” The Joker said.

Harleen pondered the ground for a second. “Ed’s been harborin’ a known criminal?”

“Two actually.” He said, leaning against the open fridge door, twisting the carrot around in his hand. “Well, two and a half if you count Ed himself since he’s not full on a criminal yet. Not until he’s done with college at least. That was his deal with Selina."

She looked back at him. “Deal with Selina?”

“Yeah. He’s got to finish up his degree before he can _really_ start harassing Gotham with us.”

Harleen stared at him, her mouth agape as she tried to figure out what to say to that. The Joker just watched her with a raised brow, obviously not seeing what was an issue. Before she could finalize her reply, he moved on from the subject.

“You’re in college too, right? One of his study buddies or whatever?” He asked.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“That’s neat!” He shrugged. “I never went to college myself. Probably. I don’t remember.” He shook his head. “Nevermind. What are you going for?”

“Psychology.”

“Ooh! Like the mind and stuff.” He glances up at the ceiling with a smile. “I’m often told I lost mine.”

Harleen tried and failed to hold back a smile after that. The Joker noticed and kept up his own smile.

“So what are you going to do with it?” He asked.

She shrugged. “I’m actually going into criminal psychology specifically. I might go and work at Arkham afterwards.”

“Hey, I’ve been there!” He said, throwing a hand out. She smiled again, which made her start to wonder why. How was someone as evil as him getting a positive reaction out of her? Why was she letting her guard down around him?

He continued. “You know, if you do end up there, stop by and say hi to me. And if I’m not there, wait a couple days.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.” She laughed. Gosh, he got her to laugh, too.

There was a small silence. The Joker set his chin on his hand he propped up by his elbow on the fridge door.

“Believe it or not,” he started. “This is the most ordinary conversation I’ve had in awhile.”

She cocked her head. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He paused. “I like talking to you.”

She furrowed her brow, but again, smiled. “We’ve only talked for a couple minutes.”

“And I liked it!” He said, replicating her smile. He pushed himself up from the fridge door. “Well, ought to let you get back to sleep. If I leave this fridge door open any longer it’ll run up Ed’s electric bill and he’ll kick me out for sure.” He turned to her as he set his hand on the door. “It was nice to meet you… I just realized I never asked your name.”

“Harleen.” She said.

He smiled. “That’s a lovely name, Harleen.”

She smiled back. “Thank you.”

He shut the fridge door, plunging the room back into darkness aside from the light from the street outside trickling in through the windows.

“Good night, Harleen.” He said.

“Good night.” She said, listening as his footsteps took him off through the apartment to the back rooms. He wasn’t as frightening as he was made out to be in her mind. In fact, to her, he seemed almost nice.

 

The next time they met was at Arkham Asylum. Harleen had just gotten hired on and was being given a tour of the facility. The inmates were shouting at her and egging her on, and for the most part she was able to tune it out.

It wasn’t until Batman came down the rows literally dragging the Joker by the chain of his handcuffs that she took notice of anything besides her colleague. She glanced back at them when she heard the Joker’s absurdly loud complaining and Batman’s only responses being ‘stand up’ and ‘stop talking.’ The Joker did neither up until they reached his cell, where he finally pulled himself up off the ground and spun around, planting his chin right on Batman’s shoulder. Batman pushed him off and the Joker glared, then by chance glanced over to Harleen.

Now while Harleen immediately recognized him (it was hard to forget a face so plastered around Gotham), the Joker could not remember her at all. He couldn’t remember the conversation at Ed’s apartment or having met her at all. Granted, it was a few years back at that point, but that was just adding onto his already destroyed ability to remember anything.

But for as best as he could manage, he knew he hadn’t seen her face in Arkham before. And new doctors meant more people for him to mess with. Arkham was already awful to the inmates, so he took whatever he could get as revenge on the place. This time around, he wanted a friend in the system. Someone who’d be willing to lie to the courts and police for him. Someone who could discharge him whenever he needed. He figured this new doctor would be the right person for the job.

He gave her a smile and a wink. Harleen smiled back, and then Batman threw the Joker into the cell.

 

It was not the Joker’s intent to get Harleen to fall in love with him. It was only his intent to get her on his side, to get her to like him, be a partner in crime by getting him out of Arkham whenever he wants.

It wasn’t Harleen’s intent to fall in love with him, either. She wanted to write a book on him, choosing him both from his reputation and from the conversation they had at the apartment. Gotham feared him, but from that one conversation, she believed there was something much, much more to him.

Thus, the sessions between them were an exercise in studying each other. The Joker to figure out how to get her on his side, and Harleen to figure out how to get him to be honest with her. She hoped having met before and having ‘the most ordinary conversation in a while’ would get him to more willing to, but she quickly found out he didn’t remember it, so she was basically on the same level as any other person he’d meet. The Joker hoped that she’d be more susceptible to him by just being nicer to her than other doctors, but he quickly found out how determined she was to not fall to him. It was a back and forth for a _very_ long time.

At least, until the other Arkham workers came into the picture.

Soon enough, Harleen started to notice just how awful Arkham was. The guards were violent to the inmates even when they didn’t need to be, the doctors were getting paid by officials to lie about the mental states of inmates who were actually well enough to be discharged in order to keep them off the streets, and medication was often mixed up without a second thought by the staff who handed out. Time after time Harleen found her patients unresponsive or having terrible reactions to what they were given. The worst of all was for the Joker. The mix of being the Arkham staff’s most hated inmate and being so sensitive to certain medications due to his slightly altered biochemistry could land him with the most harmful medications. Multiple times while he was Harleen’s patient, he had almost landed in a comatose state for days, and in other instances he seemed on the verge of having a heart attack. The straw that finally broke her was when another mix up made him go into a dissociative state that took her several hours to help him through. After that, she stopped having her sessions just for the book, and instead to really try and help him.

And this was how he got to her.

In his mind, to help him was to get him out of Arkham whenever he needed. Harleen forged documents and signatures dozens of times over to discharge him, and would even start preparing them moments after he was let out. She ‘accidentally’ handed him keys to the cells, gave him tools to break himself out, and made sure to get him the schedules of guard rotations so he’d know when the best time to try and break out would be. He’d always be back after a few weeks, but she’d be ready.

Then there was the time Batman got to him. At this point, Batman had realized the Joker had a friend on the inside. He knew that just throwing the Joker into Arkham wouldn’t last.

It was unclear if that’s why Batman had beaten up the Joker so badly on that night. His leg was broken, his arm almost broken, and it wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch to assume he had a concussion. But in any case, the Joker wouldn’t be able to get out Arkham that easily.

Unbeknownst to Batman, this was at the point Harleen had fallen in love with the Joker and decided to take his nickname for her, ‘Harley Quinn’, to heart. With a costume she stole from a local shop and a few other nicked items, she broke the Joker out of Arkham once more, with no intent of ever having to do it from the inside again. If she needed to break him out, there’d be no more paperwork, only bombs.

 

The two of them, over time, became quite the duo. It took awhile for the Joker to warm up to Harley helping out so much, but in the end he couldn’t deny that she was good at it. They’d plan crimes together, try to outdo each other on the punchlines, see how far they could take things - it was glorious.

Then came an issue: he didn’t love her back. Eventually he did, but he couldn’t even pick up on how much she loved him in the beginning. He just thought she was enthusiastic about his criminal life, not the criminal himself. It wasn’t until his friends pointed it out to him that he finally took notice.

But just because he noticed, didn’t mean he was able to love her back just yet.

After awhile, his emotional distance from her made her leave and join up with Poison Ivy and Catwoman, forming for the first time their trio, Gotham City Sirens. Their camaraderie quickly made them some of the most effective criminals in the city. Their bonds got so strong, Harley and Ivy started to date. And it was all fine for a time, until Harley ran into the Joker again. He wasn’t alright, she could tell immediately. It turned out that without her around, he had gone back to his old and destructive habits - forgetting to eat, drinking too much, and just not being able to take care of himself in general.

So in a heartbeat, she went back to him.

That cycle continued for what seemed like hundreds of more rounds. She came back, he was distant, she went back to the Sirens, she dated Ivy, she saw the Joker, she went back. The cycle was getting so predictable that Ivy decided to break it with one simple line:

“We’re not getting back together. Ever.” She had said to Harley after the Sirens had formed again. “I’m sick of having my heart broken every time we go through this.”

Harley said it would be different that time. Ivy didn’t believe her.

Not long after, Harley was back to the Joker.

And on this round, she wanted to prove how much she loved him, hopefully to get him to actually open up to her. She wanted to find a way to show that she was like him and that he could be vulnerable around her.

With a few of the henchmen to help her out, she went to the chemical plant. The same chemical plant the Joker first fell into and became who he was. She played the scenario out as best as she knew it, even with the henchmen advising incredibly strongly against it.

They dragged her out of the vat afterwards, barely alive from it. Her hair gone red and black and her skin as white as the Joker’s.

The Joker himself showed as soon as he could after the henchmen had called him about what was going on. He carried Harley out of the chemical plant himself, then had his henchmen blow the whole place up, saying that it had hurt enough people at that point.

Harley hadn’t realized he had already loved her by that point, but that was mostly his fault for not saying anything.

It was all fine between them for a long enough time, but soon enough the cycle started up again, minus the dating Ivy parts as she was adamant about it. And as it always would be with the cycles, Harley ended up with the Joker again.

But this last time around, she wasn’t in love with him like she had been before. That wasn’t what brought her back and kept her staying there with him. She was only there to help keep him alive. Remind him to get up at a reasonable time and get him on a consistent sleep schedule, get him to eat at least two meals a day, get him to take care of himself at all. She was only enough in love to stay there.

But it wore on her, which was why after he forgot her birthday again, she left.

 

It was a few weeks after the Joker had snuck out of the Manor. In that time, Batman had dragged him on several more patrols, only giving him breaks once each week. But tonight Batman was determined to bring him along after they had gotten an anonymous tip about Harley Quinn vandalizing an art museum. Unfortunately for Batman, the Joker was protesting more than usual.

“Look I can just stay here and watch the cameras.” The Joker said, following after Batman through the Cave as he and Robin headed for the Batmobile. “You know, stay back and keep an eye out for things.”

“No.” Batman said.

“Please?” The Joker clasped his hands together as Batman pulled open the Batmobile’s driver side door and got in.

“No.” He said, slamming the door. The Joker let out a strained sigh and stared up at the roof of the Cave. Robin, on the other side of the Batmobile, looked over at him, resting his arms on top of the vehicle.

“Why is going after Harley such a problem? You’ve arrested your other friends already.” Robin asked. “And didn’t you say she wasn’t talking to you anyway?”

The Joker glared over at Robin. “It’s none of your business, bird.”

“Get in the car, Joker.” Batman said loud enough for the Joker to hear through the passenger door Robin had open already. The Joker let out a groan and rushed over to the otherside. Robin stepped out of the way and he clambered into the backseat, crossing his arms when he sat down and sending a glare up to the back of Batman’s head as Robin got in the vehicle after him.

The Batmobile sped out of the Cave. The Joker did not move nor did he take his glare off Batman. Only when they got into Gotham did Robin glance over his shoulder to look at the Joker, but even that didn’t sway the Joker’s glare.

“You are _really_ not happy about this.” Robin said. Batman glanced up at the rearview mirror to look at the Joker, who finally shifted his head over to Robin.

“You really are a detective.” The Joker said with a tight lipped grin.

“Maybe if you talked about it we could understand your point and come to a compromise.” Batman said.

The Joker threw his hands out. “I don’t want to do it! There! We talked about it!”

“You don’t want to do a lot of things!” Robin replied.

“And you make me do those too!” The Joker shouted back.

“So why do you think this would be different?” Robin asked.

“Because it’s different this time! It’s Harley!”

“You realize I still have to arrest Selina sometimes.” Batman said, giving another glance to the Joker through the rearview mirror.

“Yeah.” The Joker crossed his arms and slouched in his seat, glaring out the window. “When you’re not dating.” He got a glare from Batman in the mirror, but that was the only response. He sighed. “Selina wouldn’t make me do this.”

“Why wouldn’t she?” Robin asked, still looking back at the Joker.

“Because she knows.” The Joker replied.

“Knows what?” Batman asked.

Silence.

“Joker.” Batman said.

“It’s not going to make a difference to you. I know what you’ll say.” The Joker said.

“What would I say?” He asked. Perhaps if the Joker wouldn’t come right out and say what was bothering him, maybe he could reverse engineer it himself to get context.

“That it doesn’t matter. If I’m working with you, then all ties and promises are void.” He said.

“Promises?” Robin asked.

Silence again. It lingered for longer this time as Batman thought about what was said.

“What did you promise Harley?” He asked. Again, the Joker said nothing, instead just staring out the side window as Gotham flew past, sinking in his seat lower and lower.

The three stayed in silence until they arrived at the museum. No henchmen were outside and the police still hadn’t arrived. The streets here were sparse with people, both since it was night and not a residential district. Batman and Robin got out of the Batmobile, but the Joker didn’t move.

“You’re coming with us.” Batman said, holding open the door and glaring to the Joker. He returned the glare, let out a huff, then pulled himself out. Batman nodded, then glanced to him and Robin. “Let’s go.”

 

Inside the museum, Harley was busy with her ‘retouches’ to a Monet piece. A large red ‘x’ was slashed across it and now she was adding black splatter paint to it with absolute reckless abandon, laughing all while she did it. It almost looked like she got more paint on herself than on the painting, as her black and red jacket and black pants were splattered with red, black, and white paint themselves.

She always loved destroying art, not that she thought she was destroying it, though. Smearing lipstick on statues, drawing happy faces on portraits of sullen kings, smashing ceramics and stacking the broken pieces like a card tower - it was fun. A form of self expression. She figured the original artists who, as far as she was aware, were all dead would approve.

Most of her favorite dates with the Joker were doing this exact thing. The two of them running around and ‘improving’ the art. She loved it, and he seemed to love it too. In fact, on their last romp through a museum, he told her something that kept ringing through her mind to this day:

“You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

That sincerity in his voice. The way he looked at her. It…

She stopped, her brush freezing in the air. She wasn’t looking at the art, but more through it.

That was the closest he’d ever gotten to saying he loved her.

He never had, mostly on principle. He always wanted to make it easier for her to leave him when the time came. He did lots of things like that. If he ever hit her, she needed to leave. If he ever tried to force her into something she didn’t want to do, she needed to leave. If he ever tried to kill her, she needed to leave. And of course, the most prevalent one of all:

If he ever helped Batman arrest her, she needed to leave.

That one went both ways. Well, all the rules did, but that one definitely. Something in her, though, told her that he’d never have held it against her if she helped Batman to arrest him. But he was just so adamant about if he did it. So many times he brought it up, so many times he made her promise that she’d leave him for good.

She twisted the brush around and pursed her lips as she stared at the painting.

A pair of hands came down on her shoulders and spun her around. She yelped in response and dropped the brush and paint can. She about went to kick the person who grabbed her, but halted as soon as she saw the Joker’s face.

“J? What’re you doin’ here?” She asked. Though she vowed not to talk to him again, it was only really a halfhearted notion. She certainly wouldn’t have texted him and ignored whatever texts he sent her when he was drunk back at Ed’s place, but she knew if she saw him in person she’d say something.

“Harley, you need to leave.” He said. His voice was as frantic as his eyes.

She shook her head and furrowed her brow before she glanced over his outfit. A black suit that didn't fit him? He'd never wear that willingly in a million years. Something was up. “Why? What’s goin’ on? Why are you wearin' black?”

“Just trust me. You have to get out of here.” He said, shaking her shoulders a slight bit to emphasize it.

A noise came from the hall outside of the exhibition room they stood in. Before Harley could ask what it was, the Joker took her hand and dragged her out through the other exit of the room. They flew through the halls and rooms, and Harley could only catch quick glimpses of everything. Most of the henchmen were knocked out and a few batarangs were implanted in the walls and railings of the third floor where it overlooked the ones below.

“Seriously? Batman’s here _already_?” She asked as they ran. “I’ve only been here for an hour!”

The Joker didn’t respond, instead focusing on getting her to the stairs. He threw the door open with his shoulder and pulled her into the stairwell, giving a glance back to the hall behind them. No one was following, so he slammed the door shut and grabbed Harley’s hand again, leading her down the stairs with him.

“How’d you know where I was? I haven’t been talkin’ to you or anything!” She asked as they rushed down the steps.

“Don’t worry about it-”

And then Batman showed up, landing right on the stairs behind them, no doubt having leapt down from one of the floors above. The Joker and Harley spun around, frozen on the steps.

“Joker.” Batman growled.

He held his hands up. “Wait, Bats-”

“I got it!” Harley said, reaching into her jacket and pulling out a pistol.

The Joker threw an arm in front of her. “Wait, Harley, don’t!”

She looked at him with wide eyes. “What? ‘Don’t?’”

“Just…” he turned back to Batman, as did Harley. “Look, Batman-”

“You’re trying to get her out of here.” Batman said.

“And Kitty says you’re a genius.” Harley shook her head and glanced back to the Joker. “J, what’s goin’ on?”

He turned to her and grabbed her shoulders. “Harley, this was not my idea.”

“What idea, J? What are you talkin’ about it?” She asked.

He placed his hands on her cheeks, then hesitated before saying: “This is the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life and you should never forgive me for it.”

Harley said nothing, instead, she stared at him for a moment. Her face hardened and she took a deep breath. The Joker took his hands from her face, and she punched him right in the jaw.


	14. Don't You Think I Know That?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tension seems to be building within this odd trio.

_ “You’re a liar and I hate you and I hope you die alone in a ditch with no one who loves you - because I certainly don’t anymore!” _

The words were still digging through the Joker’s skull. Harley screamed them all when Batman dragged her out of the museum with her fighting him all the way. She was crying. Of course she was. The Joker expected no less. He knew how it was going to end as soon as he found out who they were going after. But still, he thought he could stop it. Get Harley out of the museum before Batman could get to her. Put it off just a while longer. He didn’t even get to tell her that he was working with Batman on more than just her arrest. Maybe if she knew that…

No. It wouldn’t have changed anything. He still helped arrest her. He was still at fault.

He hadn’t quite moved from the stairwell, though now he stood with Robin at the base of it, both back in the shadows as the police pulled the unconscious henchmen out of the museum. Batman had already gotten Harley out by this time, so they were just waiting for him to return and the three of them to get out without the police seeing the Joker.

“You could have told us.” Robin said, crossing his arms and looking over at the Joker where he leaned against the archway leading to the stairs. The Joker didn’t respond, instead keeping a watch on the police officers. Robin shook his head. “We would have understood-”

“No, you wouldn’t have.” The Joker said, still not looking at Robin.

“Joker-”

“I’m not gonna get to pick who I go up against.” He threw a hand up to motion towards the main doors of the museum in a vain attempt to reference Batman who still stood outside, probably with Commissioner Gordon. “ _ He _ won’t let me. I’ve got to denounce it all - everything and everyone I knew as a criminal for him to even give me a chance at it.”

“You’re already getting a chance at it, Joker, and he’s still letting you have it.” Robin said, turning fully to him. The Joker glared over too him and frowned. “It’s a process. You’re not going to jump into it all immediately. I get that, Batman gets that.”

The Joker shook his head. “No. If I don’t do it, it all ends and I’ve got nothing to go back to. I have to do everything or I get nothing.”

“That’s not-”

“You know this was all a test right?”

“It wasn’t a test-”

“He wanted to see how far I’d be willing to do this, he wanted to see my limits. He wanted to see if I’d switch back over and help Harley and betray him. If I could arrest Harley willingly I’d arrest anyone for him, wouldn’t I?”

“He wasn’t doing that.”

“Then why did he make me help?”

“Because you didn’t explain why you couldn’t!” Robin threw his arms out. The police glanced over at the shout. Robin dismissed them with a hand wave as the Joker slinked back into the darkness. They went about their business and Robin lowered his voice again as he went back to addressing the Joker. “If you told us why you couldn’t arrest Harley, then that would’ve meant you had strong enough reservations about it to at least trust us with that information. The fact that you still held it in meant that there was a part of you still willing to go through with it. If you really didn’t want to do it, you would have told us  _ why _ .”

The Joker stared at Robin for a long time, making Robin tense up. Was he going to do something, or just stand there? With what Robin had said, he was about prepared for any sort of reaction.

“You think I wanted to arrest Harley?” He finally asked.

Robin hesitated, readying himself for anything that would come after his answer. “If there wasn’t a part of you willing to do it, then you would have fought back against us harder.”

A silence tense enough to choke the both of them filled the air between them. Robin stood as still as a statue, but poised for anything. The Joker, though, just stared with a cold expression. He gave a glance over to the police officers who were meandering their way towards the stairs.

“They’re going to the next floor.” The Joker said before pushing off the archway he leaned against and headed towards the emergency exit on the back wall underneath the stairs. “I’m going out back until they’re gone. You two can just pick me up there.”

Robin didn’t fight him on it, instead letting him walk out the door and let it close behind him.

Several minutes passed. The officers were upstairs and bringing the last of the knocked out henchmen down. Robin stayed at the base of the stairs since that’s where Batman was expecting him and the Joker to be.

The fact that he hadn’t seen the Joker in a while made him antsy. He knew the Joker needed space, and he was very willing to give him that to keep from making the situation go from tense to dangerous, but he felt he shouldn’t have just let the Joker out of his sight.

The officers trudged down the stairs with another unconscious body and gave Robin a nod, which he returned before he went to the exit door and pushed it open. He stuck his head out the door and gave a glance around that made his stomach twist.

The Joker, of course, was gone.

“Shoot.” He said, before sliding back in to the museum and running to the front to get Batman.

 

“How did this happen?”  Edward asked. He sat on the arm of the red couch in his living room, staring down at the Joker, who was lying on said couch in torn up clothes, split lip, and a black eye he held an ice pack over.

The Joker had shown up to Edward’s apartment not long before, covered in blood and bruises from just about head to toe - much worse off than he was at the museum, though Edward didn’t know this. His first question was ‘Can I come in’ and his second one was ‘Do you have anything to drink,’ which Edward replied with a yes to both.

“I ran into some people who didn’t like my face and thought I needed a makeover.” The Joker said, shifting the ice pack on his eye and reaching towards the glass of scotch on the coffee table.

“Can’t say I really like the new you if this is it.” He replied, getting the Joker to smile slightly, which made Edward feel just a bit better as well. “Who did it?”

“Just some people on the street.” He said, taking a gulp of the drink and setting it back down on the table.

“Why didn’t you fight back?”

The Joker sighed. “Because I deserved it.”

“For what, this time? Or just in general?” Edward leaned on the back of the couch and continued to watch the Joker. There was no response. He rolled his eyes. “C’mon. I highly doubt you’ve killed someone since you’re working with Batman and all - not that you’d really care even  _ then _ if we’re being honest - but you know what I mean.”

The Joker threw his free arm over his face and mumbled out a response.

“What?” Edward asked.

Another mumbled response.

“You’re going to need to speak louder than that.” He said.

“I got Harley arrested.” The Joker said, much louder and clearer this time. Edward paused, mouth hanging open slightly as he stared at the Joker.

“You didn’t.” He said.

“Oh, but I did.” The Joker said.

“You realize-”

“Yes.”

“But you still-”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you-?”

“Because I couldn’t.” The Joker sighed again, thinking to his conversation with Robin. “Or at least…I didn’t.” He shifted on the couch and removed the arm from his face. “I actually gladly invited those people to beat me up - I didn’t think Harley’s punch was enough to match what I did to her.”

“I’m pretty sure she’d agree to some capacity.” Edward said.

“She should.” He shifted the ice pack. “Do you have any lock picks, by the way? Batman keeps locking me up in my room and I’m getting tired of it.”

“Yeah, hold on.” Edward reached into his pocket and pulled out a small lock pick set before handing it over to the Joker. He took it from Edward and stared at it for a bit.

“Why did you have one in your pocket?” The Joker looked up at him and grinned. “Were you planning on crimes?”

Edward shrugged. “I mean if nothing else happened tonight.”

“Ed, crimes are bad.” He glanced away from Ed and shifted the ice pack again. “I don’t want to have to arrest you too tonight.”

As Edward got up from the couch and stepped over into the connected kitchen area, the Joker touched a hand to his once again injured nose. As he winced, he wondered how many times a nose could be broken before it became a real problem. It almost surprised him that he didn’t know if it was with how many times he’d gotten beat up by Batman. Admittedly, it probably already was a real problem, but he just didn’t care enough to notice. He deserved the pain at this point, and he hoped it stay a while this time around. Maybe even be worse than before if he got lucky.

The apartment was quiet until Edward’s phone started ringing. He pulled it out from his pocket again and answered it as the Joker laid quiet on the couch.

“Hello-?

_ “Put Joker on right now or I’ll come over there and kill you both.” _ Selina shouted through the phone, making Edward jolt and hold the phone back. The Joker threw a hand up and out to Edward, who tossed the phone into his open hand. He put the phone to his ear, barely got out a fake happy sounding ‘hello, Selina’ before she started to tear into him.

Edward tried to keep his distance to make it seem like he wasn’t listening by making himself a cup of tea, though the both of them knew he was most certainly listening to every word Selina screamed at the Joker. Apparently, Harley had broke out of police custody and made her way to Pamela’s greenhouse, then proceeded to cry to her about everything that happened. Pamela then called Selina and got her to come by and hear it all too, and now it was Selina’s turn to translate it all back to the Joker.

Edward leaned across the counter with his tea, watching the Joker as he listened to the incredibly loud Selina over the phone. The Joker wasn’t responding to her, instead just sitting there and taking it all.

A knock came from the door and Edward glanced over to it. With the force put into it, there was no way it could’ve been his neighbor. She was barely even 5-foot tall and probably as old as Gotham itself.

Edward sighed and set down the cup. The Joker had only been at the apartment for about ten minutes, so, in a way, he had to commend Batman for getting there so fast. The Joker hadn’t even been able to get himself drunk yet. Then again, this was the second time in one month Batman had come by Edward’s apartment, and that was more than he ever wanted Batman to show up there in either of their lives.

He opened the door. Of course, Batman was standing there on the other side. Robin stood right behind him.

“Oh great.” Edward said. “Now you both know where I live.”

“We both already knew.” Robin said.

“I didn’t need to know that.” He said with a shake of his head.

“Is he here?” Batman asked. There was no doubt that Batman had already looked past Edward and saw the Joker on the couch. This was probably just an attempt to seem slightly considerate of Edward’s privacy. Another loud shout from Selina over the phone echoed over to them. Robin peered in through the doorway while Edward didn’t take his eyes from Batman.

“Yep.” Edward stepped back from the door and ushered them in with a wave of his hand as his face stayed poised with unhappiness. “Please, come in. It’s not like I can fight you on it right now or anything. You’d arrest me if I tried to or stood in the way, so please, make yourselves at home.” He paused. “In fact, take my home. I can’t tell you no: you’re a superhero.”

Batman glanced at Edward as Robin and him stepped into the apartment. “We’ll be out in a minute.”

“Great. I’ll be in the hallway.” Edward replied before walking out of the apartment and shutting the door behind him. Batman and Robin gave a look to it before turning to the Joker, who hadn’t moved a muscle since they stepped in. He didn’t glance over to them or take the phone from his ear, but did wave with enthusiasm evident nowhere else in him.

“Joker, hand me the phone.” Batman said, stepping over next to the couch while Robin walked over and leaned against a red armchair that matched the couch and walls of the room. The Joker gave Batman the phone without hesitation. Batman took the phone and held it up to his ear. Selina was still ranting. “Selina”

_ “Oooohh, don’t get me started on you now.” _ She said, barely pausing from the sentence aimed at the Joker before it.

“We’ll talk about this later.” He said. The Joker reached over and grabbed his glass from the coffee table before downing the rest of the scotch in a few gulps as Batman and Robin both watched.

_ “No we’ll talk about it now _ . _ ” _

“Later Selina.”

“ _ Don’t you- _ ”

Batman hung up the phone. Immediately it started to ring again, but he dismissed the call and shut off the phone. He set it down on the coffee table and looked at the Joker.

“You could have talked to us about it.” Batman said. The Joker threw his arm over his face and sighed.

“Trust me, I’ve figured that out at this point.” He said. “But it’s a little too late for take backs, now isn’t it?”

“This time, maybe.” Batman said. “But it doesn’t have to be in the future. You just need to talk to us.”

The Joker sat up and shook his head as he set the ice pack down on the couch next to him. “It’s never going to be that simple, Batman. Not with you.”

“You have to learn to trust us, Joker. It’s the only way this can work out.”

“Do you trust me?” He asked. No response. The Joker gave a half hearted smile and slouched back on the sofa. “Of course you don’t. You don’t trust anyone.”

“We’re trying to help you,” Robin started, catching the Joker’s attention. “But you have to show that you really want that help, so you have to start trusting us with this stuff.”

Batman studied the Joker during the conversation. There was such an unwillingness in the Joker. A pushback he wasn’t letting go of. The stubbornness that came with the reluctance to change. This wasn’t what the Joker wanted, or at least, that a part of him didn’t want.

“Are you even serious about this?” Batman asked, cutting off Robin and the Joker’s impending argument. The Joker turned and scowled up at Batman. “Or is this just something you figured might be a fun experiment you haven’t tried before?”

The Joker stood up, glare locked with Batman’s. He almost looked offended. “If I wasn’t serious, do you really think I’d still be here? That I’d break Harley’s heart like that?” He paused, then shook his head. “It almost feels like you don’t actually want me to get better. It sounds like you’re hardly taking this seriously yourself. You just want to see me torture myself by arresting my friends.”

“If that was the case, do you really think I’d be letting you stay at the Manor? That I’d even bother at all?”

“Well that’s just it, isn’t it?” The Joker asked. “If you keep me there, I’m out of Gotham. I’m out of the way. I couldn’t bother the city at all unless it’s under your guidance.”

“The point of this is to keep you from bothering the city and start helping it  _ and _ yourself, Joker.”

“Bah!” The Joker scowled and waved a dismissive hand. “I don’t want to hear anymore. Let’s just go.”

Batman glared after the Joker as he headed for the door of the apartment. Robin got up from his chair and watched before the two of them followed after. 

 

Batman took Robin and the Joker back to the Manor afterwards, but soon enough was out and about in Gotham again. Robin stayed back at the Manor and would make sure the Joker didn’t leave his room, which Robin found to be a very easy job. He just sat down in the Batcave monitoring the cameras in the Manor. The Joker’s door never opened and his windows stayed shut. Throughout the night, he would shift his focus slightly to help Batman track down Harley again, but even then the Joker hadn’t caused any issues or seemed to find a way to sneak out of his room as far as Robin saw.

The night got slower and Batman called in to tell Robin he could stop monitoring. They both figured the Joker would be asleep at that point, and Batman was going to head back if the night stayed quiet. They still hadn’t found Harley, so it could still be awhile before he returned. Robin obliged and headed upstairs into the Manor, though didn’t go straight for his room. Instead, he went by the Joker’s. He pressed his ear up to the door, but as he did, the door creaked away. Robin’s eyes snapped down to the handle and he watched as the door glided open, revealing the dark, empty room behind it. He felt his heart leap to his throat and he rushed into the room.

The Joker was gone again.

Before Robin could fly out of the room and back to the Batcave to alert Batman, he heard a voice. It was almost a whisper, and he had barely caught onto it. He froze and waited for the voice to speak again. The talking started up once more, and Robin could hear it coming from the bathroom, so he crept towards the door and listened.

“...I’m just saying...it’s...” There was a sigh. “...I don’t know...”

Robin peered in through the cracked open bathroom door. The Joker sat fully clothed in the tub, staring down at the drain. A relief washed over Robin and he pushed the door open. The Joker glanced over to him.

“Well if it isn’t the bird brain.” He said, resting his temple on the edge of the porcelain tub.

“What are you doing?” Robin asked, stepping into the much brighter room.

“Being sad.” The Joker replied and slid down into the tub. His legs were too long to keep in the tub, so he stuck one out over the lip of it and had his other foot pressed against the spout.

Robin raised an eyebrow. There was something about the Joker’s voice that stuck out to him.

“Are you drunk?” He asked.

“What? Of course not. I’ve just been talking with my best friend-” the Joker lifted up a half empty bottle. “-brandy.” He let out a half-hearted giggle, then brought the bottle back down into the tub with him.

“When and  _ how _ did you even get that?” Robin asked with a shake of his head.

There was a spluttering sigh as the Joker sunk lower into the tub. “A  _ while _ ago. Snuck out and snatched it from the dining room. There’s a whole cabinet full of alcohol in there.” A pause. “I should have taken more.”

Robin’s brow furrowed. The Joker must have snuck out when he was helping Batman find Harley. But how’d he get the door open? Batman made sure it was locked before he left. Perhaps the new handle was faulty. They’d have to look into it.

Robin shook his head again. It didn’t matter right now. He just needed to make sure the Joker didn’t do anything before Batman got back.

“Can I ask you something?” Robin started. He crossed his arms and leaned up against the sink, looking down at the Joker as he did. 

The Joker didn’t look back, instead focusing on the bottle in his hands. “Do you want to ask or are we gonna play ‘Interrogation?’” 

“I’m just asking.” Robin said.

“Okay.” The Joker took a drink of the brandy.

“Why don’t you want to trust us?”

The Joker put down the bottle and stared up at the ceiling, pausing for a moment to think. “Do you realize how hard it can be to trust someone with so much of yourself?”

Robin shrugged. “We’re not asking you to tell us everything.”

“He is.” The Joker lolled his head over onto his shoulder. “And even if I did tell him everything he wouldn’t trust me. So why should I say anything in the first place?”

Robin gave a slight twist to his mouth in thought. “Is there anyone you’d trust with the stuff you don’t want to tell us?”

“Of course.” The Joker said, tilting the bottle by the edges around on the bottom of the tub. “But she’s not you two.”

“Harley-”

“It’s not Harley.”

Robin raised an eyebrow. The Joker almost looked angry.

“I trusted Harley with a lot but I could never tell her everything.” He shook his head. “It’d be too much. It wasn’t her job to deal with my problems like that.”

“Then who do you trust?”

The Joker stared at the bottle.

 

“Dr. Kline?” Batman asked. He was still on patrol through Gotham and trying to track down Harley. Though he had been planning on heading back to the Manor, Catwoman had shown up with the express purpose of chewing him out for making the Joker arrest Harley and she refused to leave him alone until she was done. Of course, with how much she had to say to him, even she knew she couldn’t just keep him on one rooftop and prevent him from stopping any criminals. So she just dragged him back to the Batmobile and rode around with him, only giving him a break from the argument when he needed to do his job - though she would promptly start the argument back up again once he got back to the Batmobile.

The actual argument had ended half an hour ago, and Batman had moved onto asking about the Joker once he knew Catwoman was relaxed.

“She’s the last good person in Arkham.” She said, glancing out the side window as the city flew past. She sat slouched in her seat with one foot propped up on the dashboard. Batman gave a look over to her and she turned back just in time to see it, as well as send her own look back. “What? Like you’d know? Have you dealt with anyone in Arkham like any of us have?”

“I’ve dealt with them as many times as you have, Selina.” He said.

“Ha! The way we have to deal with them is nowhere  _ near _ similar, Bruce.” She glared ahead. “You’re the good guy. They’ve got to look like respectable and honest workers in front of you. That way they’ll get the sympathy when we all act ‘out of line.’”

“Maybe you should do what they say, then.”

“Yeah. Sure.” She turned back to the side window and lowered her voice. “Maybe if we start listening they’ll lose their alibis when we ‘mysteriously’ die.”

Batman didn’t respond. She always overreacted to Arkham. While he’d concede it wasn’t the best facility, it was never as bad as she or the other criminals said it was. Not from what he’s seen.

“So who is Dr. Kline exactly?” Batman asked.

Catwoman shifted in her seat. “She’s J’s psychologist in Arkham and the only one who does her job. She’s helped him a ton from what I’ve seen, plus she’s helped people like me and Ivy and Croc. She’d probably be the one you need to talk to about Joker if you really want to help him.”

“I’ll keep her in mind.”

“She’s kind of paranoid though. Doesn’t keep any of the patient files in Arkham - and I don’t blame her. I don’t trust anyone in there either.” She stretched as she spoke. “You’ll have to ask her for the information directly, and she’ll probably get it to you in a couple days or so.”

He nodded in response.

 

Batman dropped Selina off at her apartment, and an hour later, he was back at the Manor. After switching out of the Batsuit, his only other order of business was to check on the Joker. Tim had informed him earlier that the Joker was probably going to sleep in the bathtub since he managed to get himself drunk again - which Bruce was going to look into how he managed that as soon as he could.

Bruce did in fact find the Joker asleep in the tub again, but didn’t bother to wake him. The memory of the night with the pain medication started nagging at him, telling him not to wake the Joker up no matter how uncomfortable the tub seemed to sleep in. Though the Joker didn’t seem that bothered by it with how he was curled up so tight with a pillow in his arms.

No matter. Bruce let him sleep. The night hadn’t been good to him anyway.


	15. The Doctor is In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Kline is a serious woman. Almost more so than Batman.

Dr. Vivian Kline had two modes at Arkham - professionalism and contempt. The professionalism was used on visitors, outside officials, and inmates. The contempt was saved for her coworkers.

There were three categories she put her coworkers into: corrupt, incompetent, and both. In addition, there were subcategories to each. For corrupt, there was ‘by officials,’ ‘by police,’ ‘by the director,’ and ‘by power.’ For incompetent, there was ‘negligent,’ ‘unprofessional,’ and ‘just an idiot.’ For months she had been compiling the lists and evaluating every worker - though in secret, as per usual with anything she did - while also looking into potential replacements. Of course, none of this would ever come to pass. Nothing ever got better at Arkham.

Arguably, it was all getting worse, as was her thought as she left the medical center. One of the medical doctors had been showing her the most recent corpse generated by the brilliant facility that was Arkham Asylum - Victor Zsasz. He was the fourth one in six months. The other ones before him were Barton Mathis, Dr. Aesop, and Lazlo Valentin. 

But no one outside Arkham cared, and frankly, no one in Arkham seemed to care either.

Dr. Kline was the only one interested in the deaths at all.

She walked through the halls of the asylum, looking over the report she was given and the notes she had made, both locked into her clipboard. And when someone stepped up into her way, she gave a single annoyed glance up. It wasn’t a guard or another doctor or even a janitor. It was just three armored henchmen, no doubt with more following behind.

“So who are you breaking out today?” She asked the front most man. He was built like a box and dressed all in black aside from a familiar small white bird insignia on his bulletproof vest.

“Penguin.” He replied. So that’s why the symbol was familiar.

She raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think he’ll be happy that you took so long.”

“We didn’t have what we needed yet.” The henchman shrugged. He almost seemed to want to smirk, but with how he hid it, he must have known who she was and knew it was best not to seem sly around her.

“What did you need?” She asked, finally tilting her head up towards him.

They each held up their overcompensating guns. “The right gear.”

She wasn’t phased. The main henchman noticed, but chose not to be offended. He tugged his head back towards the door they came through.

“You’ve got a visitor by the way.” He said.

She kept her eyebrow raised. “Did they give you the gear?”

“Ain’t gonna tell you.” He grinned. The look she gave him felt like it passed right through him, making him lose his smile, and she knew that whoever it was  _ had _ provided the guns. Perfect. She was having a meeting with another criminal.

“Don’t kill anyone.” Dr. Kline said, continuing on her way as the henchmen moved to clear a path for her.

“No promises.” The man replied before they too, continued on their way.

She headed right for her office and paused when she set her hand on the door handle. There was music just beyond the door. Familiar music. Something from the 60s. It sounded like it was on a record player with the scratchiness of it. She guessed whoever was in there took both the record and the player from Oswald, and that she was going to have to be the one to return it later.

And with that information, she knew who was behind the door.

“I didn’t expect you to ever come here willingly, Joker.” She said as she walked into the room. He turned around from the window and smiled at her. He was wearing a black suit, making her pause for a moment. He never wore black. The outfit was not a choice.

“Well hello to you too, Dr. Kline!” He grinned.

“I thought you were working with Batman.” Dr. Kline crossed the near empty room to her desk, tossing her clipboard onto the desktop. “What happened?”

“Oh, I’m still working with him,” the Joker hopped around her desk and dropped himself down into the chair across from it. She gave him a glance. He was going to be here for a while. There must have been a lot on his mind that he thought no one else was going to listen to.

“So what made you come back here?” She asked, sitting herself down in her own chair. The music was still playing on the record, but if he felt better with it on, she wouldn’t say anything. It wouldn’t be the first time he talked with a soundtrack.

“Well you know,” he stretched his arms, clasped his hands together, then set his elbows on her desk. “Emotional problems, self-loathing, anxiety, everything else you diagnosed me with.” He smiled and glanced to the side. “And the fact I hate working with Batman more than anything else I’ve ever done with my life.”

Dr. Kline arched an eyebrow, but said nothing in response. He glanced back to her and tightened his smile, but she saw emptiness in his eyes.

He continued. “I can’t make mistakes around him, I can’t relax, I can’t deviate from anything. Everything’s so _serious_.  I have to follow his rules to a ‘T’ all the time with no room for any sort of free thought or creativity. Everything’s a test to see if I’m actually working with him or I’m pretending.” He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “And he even made me arrest Harley last week which was…” his grin was toothy and fake. “...delightful.” He tossed his hands to the side and shook his head. “Plus I have to live with him now so that’s just adding to the ‘wondrous fun’ of it all.”

Dr. Kline tilted her head. “Why do you have to live with him?”

“Because Oswald blew up my warehouse about a month ago and none of my other friends would take me in so I got stuck with Batman.” His hands slipped down and gripped the edge of the desk, his eyes watching them as they did.

“Are you mad at Oswald for it?” She asked.

His hands flew up. “Of course I’m mad about it! Oz destroyed everything I owned! I had to take that record player from his office and I have a  _ huge _ IOU to an arms dealer since his henchmen needed so many guns to break him out tonight.” He slouched back into his seat. “And I had to get them to do it because otherwise I couldn’t have gotten in here. Batman’s  _ got _ to be tracking my phone calls, so I couldn’t get in touch with any of  _ my _ old henchmen.” He frowned and stared at his shoes. “Not that I could even remember any of their numbers.”

Dr. Kline nodded. She already knew all about the warehouse - Oswald had told it to her in one of their first sessions after he was locked up in Arkham again. But she needed to hear it from the Joker, specifically to hear his word choice. The Joker was not actually mad at Oswald. If he was, he would have called Oswald ‘Penguin’ instead. Whenever he was mad at someone, he didn’t call them by their real names, only by their aliases. The only exceptions were if they didn’t have an alias, or if he didn’t know their real names. Based on everything else she knew about the Joker, it seemed he did it because he viewed their real names in the same vein someone would view a nickname, and that their aliases were their ‘real names.’ It was almost like a parent using a child’s full name when angry. In this case, he  _ thought _ he was supposed to be mad at Oswald, but there was an underlying belief in him that Oswald was in the right to blow up his warehouse.

(For a while, she thought that perhaps this meant he was perpetually mad at Harley Quinn, though she later realized it was the opposite case. ‘Harley Quinn’ was seen as the nickname, and ‘Harleen Quinnzel’ was the real name that he would use whenever he was mad at her. Dr. Kline had only once heard him call her that name during a session.)

“And look at this-” the Joker flicked the suit coat he wore. “It’s black! I don’t wear black! But Batman  _ refuses _ to get me anything else.” Dr. Kline nodded along, and he continued with an exasperated expression and voice. “I don’t get it.  _ Robin _ gets to dress up like a target with all his bright colors, so I should be able to too! I mean, I should be more of a target than that poor kid.” He laughed and shook his head as he crossed his arms. “I’m surprised the poor kid hasn’t gotten shot yet-”

He froze. Dr. Kline saw him swallow hard and hands clench his arms too tight for his own good.

“Hands away, Joker.” She said, calm but firm. He let go and move his hands away, letting them rest on the chair’s arms instead. He didn’t look at her. For a moment, there was silence as he stared away with wide eyes.

Dr. Kline watched for a bit before asking: “Both Batman and Robin are aware you didn’t kill Jason, correct?”

He nodded, then stopped and gave a quick cock to his head. “Robin might not be.” His eyes narrowed. “But he’s  _ got _ to be. He’s got to be, right? Batman would have told him, right?” His hands went to his face as he thought it through, fingers digging into his forehead and hairline. The nails hadn’t grown back yet fully, but the action’s intentions were familiar to Dr. Kline.

“Hands away.” She said. He didn't move. “Joker.”

He put his hands back on the arm rests. They were clenched too tight and he still didn’t look at her.

“I’d like you to unclench your hands as well.” She said. He shifted in his seat and rolled his head on his shoulders as he stretched out his fingers again. He brought his foot up to the chair and pulled it under him before staring down at his other foot still planted firmly on the floor. Again, she watched him for a bit.

“Would you like to stop for a bit?” She asked. He nodded.

And so, for a while, the two sat in the office, listening to the music that was still playing on the record player. The Joker brought his both legs up to the chair and sat with them close to his chest while both arms lay over the sides of the chair. Dr. Kline did not feel a need to comment. He needed a moment to relax himself. Being at Arkham always brought him unrelenting tension, even if he wasn’t aware of it. He shifted and set his head on the back of the chair.

“I told her I’d never help Batman arrest her.” He said, voice barely audible over the music. He was switching the topic to Harley, it seemed. Dr. Kline focused again. “And that if I did, she should leave me for good.” A hand went to his shoe, but it didn’t do anything else. It just sat there. “But I don’t want her to be gone.” He stared at his knees. “I don’t think I can really manage without her. As long as I know she’s around, then I feel better, even if she’s far away. It’s like she’s still there.”

“Have you tried apologizing to her?” Dr. Kline asked.

The Joker laughed and shook his head. “Batman would never let me talk to her again.” He shifted further down in his seat. “No, no there’s no point. There’s no point to me being around her. She’s always better off without me.”

He was quiet again for a bit before he set one foot back on the floor and spoke again. “I’m learning that I like Robin a lot more than Batman. But I guess I was always sort of rooting for the Robins in a way, wasn’t I?”

Dr. Kline nodded.

“They’ve all been good kids.” He said, sinking further into the seat and hanging his other leg over the chair arm. “This one’s certainly better than Batman, I think. He actually believes they’re trying to help me. He thinks Batman  _ wants _ to help, which is more than Batman’s actually doing.”

“What is Batman actually doing?” She asked.

“Keeping me out of the way.” The Joker’s hand sat on his knee. “Can’t bother Gotham if I can’t leave my room.”

“Why do you think Batman doesn’t actually want to help you?”

He glanced at her. “If he did, I wouldn’t have had to buy Oz’s henchmen any guns just to come see you.”

Dr. Kline tilted her head. “Have you talked to him about-?”

A sound came from beyond the door. Dr. Kline’s eyes shot up to it and the Joker leapt out of his chair. He rushed over to Dr. Kline’s side and she spun around to look out the window. In the darkness of the night, it was easy to see the lights of the police cars coming from the front of Arkham. With the music playing and all the talking, the two of them hadn’t heard the fights outside as the cops dealt with the henchmen.

She turned back to the door right as it opened. With a quick movement, she pushed the Joker to the floor where he curled up underneath her desk against the modesty panel that touched down to the floor. From that place, it would have been near impossible to see him from the door unless whoever came in walked around the desk. All she could hope was that he couldn’t be seen in the window’s reflection.

It turned out the quick thinking was an almost genius idea, because the person who came through that door was none other than Batman himself, followed soon behind by Robin.

“Can I help you, Batman?” Dr. Kline asked, standing poised behind her desk. Though he was almost entirely out of her view as well, she caught sight of the Joker freezing up again under her desk.

“Are you Dr. Vivian Kline?” Batman asked, stopping in the middle distance between the door and the desk. Robin stood patient by his side.

“I am.” She said. “Why does that matter?”

“I was told you’re the psychologist for the Joker.” He replied.

“I am whenever he’s here. Again,” she narrowed her eyes. “ _ Why _ does it matter?”

“I’m trying to understand why he acts the way he does, and if there’s a way to help him.”

She paused and tilted her head, letting the silence linger for a bit as she watched him. She set a hand on her hip and one on the edge of the desk. “Why now? Of all times? What’s making you look for this information now instead of any other time before? Why are you trying to help him now?”

Batman, in turn, watched her for a moment, judging her behavior in turn. “It’s a classified case.”

“And you think that when you throw him in here again he won’t tell me everything about it anyway?”

The two stared at each other for a moment. Batman glanced away for a moment and took a deep breath. Dr. Kline could understand it - he wasn’t used to the Arkham staff giving him trouble. Everyone else would have already given him anything he wanted.

They’d kill a man if he asked.

But Dr. Kline would not do any of it. There was nothing she’d do for Batman.

Batman turned back to her. “I’m trying to find a way to rehabilitate him. I’ve started working with him, but he’s having issues I’m not sure how to help with. I was hoping you would be able to give some insight into what I can do."

“I know.” She said.

She saw his expression change. “You know?”

“How do you know?” Robin asked, speaking for the first time since they came in.

“He was here for a month. Do you really think he wouldn’t tell me about your deal?” Dr. Kline asked. She took a deep breath. “But I can’t help you.”

Batman shook his head. “You’re not helping me, you’re helping-”

“If I gave you all the information I’ve gotten on how to help him and  _ you _ started using the specific tactics I’ve workshopped with him, he’d know immediately.” She shifted her stance. “So if this whole thing between you two falls completely flat, what do you think would happen with the relationship I’ve developed with him? He wouldn’t trust me anymore and there’d be nothing I could do to get him to again. All of my years of progress would be gone and I’d have no choice but to transfer his case to one of the dangerous idiots I work with.”

He didn’t respond. Dr. Kline watched him closely.

“Besides, I’m not going against doctor-patient confidentiality, even if my patient is a criminal-” she narrowed her eyes. “-which is the case with all of them.”

She tilted her head, eyes still narrowed. “And you didn’t even discuss this with him did you?”

“I did-”

Her eyes flashed with rage and just a slight hint of something else. “ _ No you didn’t _ .”

The quickness of her response took Batman and Robin both aback for a moment. She faced them, all as still as statues. Something had come across her demeanor that imposed on them. An overbearing feeling that was almost beyond human, but just subtle enough to make someone accept it as just imagination.

There was silence for a bit as they stared at each other. Dr. Kline took another deep breath and shook her head, glancing down at the floor. The Joker leaned out from underneath the desk just enough to look at her, to which she met his eyes.

“There’s a state required summary of his status and diagnoses that I send them once a month provided he’s been in Arkham at least once that month.” She said. The Joker caught onto what she was saying and gave her an almost unwilling nod.

Of course, she still wouldn’t let it be that easy for Batman.

With a flick of her head, she looked back at Batman and Robin. “I can give you that much - on one condition.”

Batman arched an eyebrow, but made no other response.

“Over the past six months, several patients at Arkham have been murdered. It’s unclear how it’s being done and who’s doing it.” She said. “If you figure it out - preferably before someone else dies - I’ll hand over the summary as well as some additional information on the Joker.”

Batman paused for a moment before nodding. “Alright. We’ll do it.”

“Good.”

There was a slight hesitation of silence.

“Can I ask you something, Dr. Kline?” Robin asked. Batman glanced over to him.

Dr. Kline raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Robin nonchalantly pointed to the desk. “Can we have the Joker back?”

Batman’s head snapped back to Dr. Kline, who stood by her desk with the faintest of smiles as the Joker’s hand flew up to the edge of the desk to help pull himself up. Once standing and facing them, he shot a glare of Robin.

“Robin you’re a traitor!” The Joker said with a frown.

“How’d you know?” Dr. Kline asked Robin.

“I saw him in the reflection of the window.” Robin said, then pointed over to the record player. “Also, he told me you work in silence, so the music was kind of a giveaway too.”

Dr. Kline glanced over to the Joker, who kept his glare on Robin. She turned and gave a nod to Batman, who didn’t seem too happy to not have noticed this himself.

“You’ve certainly got a detective under your wing, Batman.” She said.

He didn’t respond to her, instead telling the Joker to come with them. The Joker huffed, told Dr. Kline goodbye, then headed off with them. As Dr. Kline sat down in her chair, Robin poked his head back into her office before the door shut. She arched an eyebrow.

“Forget something?” She asked.

“No.” He paused. “Thanks for talking to him.”

“Who? Batman?”

He shook his head. “No, Joker.”

She watched him for a moment. “You knew he was here before you even stepped in the room, didn’t you?”

“I’m working with Batman. I’m not allowed to tell you yes.” He said. Dr. Kline smiled, then gave a nod to the door.

“Go. Catch up with them.” She said. “It’ll make the Joker a lot happier if he’s not dealing with Batman alone.”

Robin nodded, then left again.


	16. That's What They Want You to Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio discusses the issue at Arkham.

Dr. Kline, though being protective of her patient files, shared as much information as she knew about the deaths with Batman. Or at least, as much information as he believed she was willing to share. There wasn’t a lot to it, although that could just have been because she didn’t have much to work off in the first place.

Alongside Tim and the Joker, Bruce read over the coroner's reports and other information Dr. Kline had provided. She seemed convinced it was some sort of poison, since there was no sort of wounds found and there was never a sign of a struggle unless the victim had been in a fight right before they died - something which had happened in two instances. Both Victor Zsasz and Garfield Lynns had gotten into fights before collapsing, though Garfield had managed to survive the suspected poisoning whereas Zsasz had not.

It wasn’t clear how the poison could have been getting into the inmates’ systems either. After the first death - Dr. Aesop during breakfast - the entire cafeteria was cleared and the inmates all tested. Dr. Kline also made sure to have the food tested, but every single test came up negative. No sign of the poison in the food or in any other inmates’ blood. And Dr. Kline would have known if an inmate was given an injection, since, so far, all the dead had been her patients.

Granted, as she had pointed out, the tests might have come up negative because the other staff weren’t actually testing the inmates like she asked them to. But Bruce thought she was probably exaggerating.

“Do you think it could be in the medication?” Tim asked, glancing over to Bruce and away from his reports. Bruce, Tim, and the Joker were all in the Batcave reading over the reports again after putting them aside from the day before. The three of them were lined up in front of the computer with the files and reports strewn about on the desk console.

“Possibly.” Bruce replied.

“Can’t be.” The Joker said, not looking away from his papers. Bruce and Tim looked at him, but he still didn’t turn away from his files. “Medication is either given out after breakfast or before lights out depending on what it is and who it’s for.”

“It could be a slow acting poison.” Tim said.

“The staff would have noticed some change in behavior if that was the case.” Bruce said.

“Or not.” The Joker said, shooting a look over to Bruce. “They only notice something when it means they get to berate us for it.”

Bruce frowned and watched the Joker go back to his papers. The staff were no doubt more competent than that in Bruce’s mind.

“At the very least Dr. Kline would have noticed.” Bruce said.

“Sure, but she doesn’t see every single one of her patients every morning to know for sure.” The Joker picked up a couple papers from the console before pushing himself and his rolling chair away from it. As he rolled off, he curled his legs up onto the seat with him and stared at the papers. Bruce kept an eye on him for a moment. It was almost strange seeing him in purple again - Selina had gone out with Bruce’s credit card to buy the Joker more clothes after he kept complaining to her about having to wear only black suits everyday. It conjured up a thousand awful memories of all the things he had done before he had started working with Bruce.

“Besides,” the Joker shrugged. “If the poison was getting through in the medication, I think it’d be getting to a lot more inmates than just these guys. We’d probably have a whole massacre on our hands. One big giant corpse party.”

“Whoever’s doing it might just be targeting a select few, possibly with unique prescriptions.” Bruce said.

The Joker let out a curt laugh and waved one of the papers at the scowling Bruce. “I can assure you that these aren’t any kind of ‘unique’ prescriptions.” He looked back at the paper. “Zsasz isn’t the only one who’s been on anything for depression I can tell you that. Especially all these ones listed.”

“Are there any prescriptions they have in common?” Tim asked.

“Nope. Not really. Certainly not one shared between the lot at least.” The Joker said.

Bruce turned back to his own papers. If it wasn’t being sent out through the medication, how could it be getting through? Something airborne would be getting to a lot more than just these select individuals. Same thing if it was in the water.

“Have they changed anything in the cells in the past few months?” Bruce asked, giving a glance over to the Joker. He paused and thought for a moment, then shrugged.

“If they have I didn’t notice when I was in there. Or I just can’t remember.” He said. “Looked like the same concrete block of boredom as always. Don’t think they even made the bed.” He paused and thought again. “You know, it’s sort of surprising I didn’t get offed while I was there. I’ve got a lot of people who hate me.”

“So are we looking for someone who doesn’t hate you then?” Tim asked.

“It’d both narrow down the search and make it near impossible.” Bruce said. The Joker scowled at him.

The three continued to read over the reports again, the only sound coming from the flipping of pages and the far off echos of water and bats in the cave. It was almost cold, but Bruce never minded it and Tim had certainly grown used to it over the years. Besides, it was October, so the weather outside was pretty close to this chilled temperature anyway.

After an hour, Bruce glanced back at the Joker, who hadn’t moved at all in his chair near the railing at the edge of this level of the cave. In fact, as Bruce saw it, the Joker hadn’t taken his eyes off that page at all. It didn’t even really look like he was reading it anymore, or if he was, he was stuck.

“Did you find anything in your reports, Joker?” He asked. The Joker glanced over and paused, staring at Bruce.

“No.” He finally replied.

Bruce held out another short stack of papers to him. “Here. You might find something in these.”

The Joker rolled his head with a sigh, then pushed off the railing with a foot and rolled over to Bruce. His chair almost knocked into Bruce’s, but managed to stop right before. The two swapped papers, then the Joker pushed off of Bruce’s chair and back over to the railing before going to read again. Although after another half hour, Bruce noticed he still wasn’t really reading, only staring at the page for a bit, then glancing to the computer or the darkness of the cave. He couldn’t get himself to focus. Perhaps discussing the case out loud would be a better idea.

“Joker,” Bruce started, catching his attention again. “If you had to guess, what kind of person would most likely be doing this at Arkham?”

“One of the staff, probably.” The Joker said, spinning around in his chair and resting his head on the back of it. “Not only do they have the most access, but they also all hate us.” He shrugged. “Aside from Dr. Kline, mostly.”

“Mostly?” Tim asked, turning his chair around to face the Joker.

“She and Zsasz…” he winced. “Well...Zsasz never wanted to cooperate, so the two didn’t really like each other too much.”

Bruce looked back to the papers. “Each of the victims were patients of Dr. Kline, correct?”

There was a silence that made Bruce turn back to look at the Joker. The Joker held a deep and furious glare for Bruce.

“Are you suggesting Dr. Kline might have done it?” He asked.

“No.” Bruce replied. “Not yet. But she could be being framed.”

The Joker kept his glare for a few moments more before glancing to the papers in his lap. “Possibly. She isn’t very liked by the rest of the staff.”

“Why’s that?” Tim asked.

“She thinks they’re all corrupt and evil.” The Joker had a tight lipped grin and shrugged. “She’s right, but they’re not happy about it.” He pushed off the railing and rolled back over to the computer, stopping on the other side of Bruce from Tim. “Also because she’s the only one who treats us like people, which apparently is just not what you’re supposed to do in Arkham if you’re a doctor.”

The two watched the Joker as he dropped his papers onto the console. His intense mistrust and disbelief in the Arkham staff almost made Bruce wonder if they were as bad as he was saying. But then again, this was the Joker saying it.

The three continued to discuss ideas, such as how the poison was getting in, why these were the people being targeted, and who it could have been. Eventually, Bruce had to leave to deal with some business with Wayne Enterprises, but Tim and the Joker stayed in the cave kept on looking through the files. Though once Bruce was gone, Tim had a question.

“Why do you keep saying ‘us?’” Tim asked, making the Joker glance at him.

“What do you mean?” The Joker asked back, like the answer was already obvious. Or perhaps he just couldn’t understand the question. The tone for each would have been similar, but Tim couldn’t tell which one it could have been.

“Like when you said ‘she’s the only one who treats us like people.’” He asked.

The Joker shrugged it off. “You know, like me, Ed, Oswald...everyone like that. Inmates, or patients or whatever you want to call us.”

Tim’s eyebrow furrowed. “But you’re not really part of that anymore. You’re working with us and everything. You’re staying away from crime and certainly away from Arkham…” He shrugged. “Aside from the other day that is.” Then he tilted his head and asked: “So why do you still lump yourself in with them?”

The Joker thought for a moment before putting his hands up. “Don’t know. Maybe old habits just die hard sometimes.”

“Is it that, or do you still feel like this all isn’t going to work out?” Tim asked.

He thought for a moment, then quietly replied: “Maybe.”

The two went back to the papers for a bit in silence.

“If you had to pick someone out,” Tim asked eventually. “Who do you think in the staff would be killing the inmates at Arkham?”

The Joker didn’t look up from the papers. “Kid, I can’t even remember any of their names, do you really think I’m the best one to figure out who’d be doing it?”

“I was thinking maybe there’s one that’s worse than the others and maybe you knew their name just from spite or something.” Tim said.

The Joker laughed, then thought for a second. “Well I remember Anders, but he’s too stupid to pull this kind of thing off. I don’t doubt he’s unhappy about it though. He probably loves it. Might even help out whoever’s doing it.”

Tim flipped through the papers. “Anders? What’s his job?”

“He’s one of the guards. They’re...the more _outwardly_ worst ones.” The Joker spun himself around in his chair. “Step out of line and they’ll definitely beat you for it. I’ve been tackled a dozen times at the very least and someone even tasered me.” He stopped spinning. “I think Anders was the one that tasered me now that I’m thinking about it.”

Tim stared at the Joker slack jawed.

“What? You and Batman do worse to us all the time.” The Joker said.

“But that’s because we’re trying to stop criminals. Arkham’s supposed to be a mental asylum. They’re supposed to help you there.” He replied.

The Joker laughed again. “Ha! They hardly even stop us when we get into fights because they just wish they could do it themselves.”

“That’s awful.”

“Believe me it’s much worse.”

“How could it actually get worse?”

The Joker went on to describe more of what the guards did to the inmates. How they would ignore inmates who were injured, how they would report the injuries _they_ caused to the inmates as either being caused by the inmate themself or by another one, they enforced strict rules just so they’d have a reason to hurt them, and that people on the outside would bribe them to hurt specific inmates - something which had happened to the Joker quite often. He even told Tim about how certain guards would force inmates into solitary to keep them from seeing their psychologist if said psychologist just didn’t want to bother with them that day.

The Joker paused for a moment and his brow creased in thought. “How come I can remember all that but not any of the staff’s names?” He laughed. “Oh right! Because I was usually doing something bad whenever that all was happening.” He glanced up at the computer. “Like when Ed got his nose broke by that guard, I had stabbed a dude, which is why I remember it.”

“Why’d you stab him?” Tim asked.

“Because he broke Ed’s nose.” The Joker smiled. “But that’s not as bad. I’ve killed a couple guards already. Inside _and_ outside of Arkham.”

Tim watched him for a second. The Joker watched him back.

The Joker raised an eyebrow. “Oh dear Tim, you didn’t seriously happen to forget that I’m still dangerous, did you?”

Tim was quiet for a moment before pushing himself up and out of his chair. “No. I didn’t.”

There was another pause as the Joker watched him, then Tim added:

“I just don’t think you’re a danger to me.”

The Joker said nothing in response, only continuing to watch Tim.

 

It was later that night. Batman and Robin were together on patrol, having left the Joker at the mansion for another night off. Batman had made sure to add more alarms and locks on his door and the windows after they brought him back from his visit to Dr. Kline the other night.

The two were together on the edge of a building, watching the glowing city below and keeping an eye out for anything odd. Batman stood overlooking it all, and Robin sat by on the stone wall around the roof. But no matter how hard he tried to focus on watching the city, Robin’s mind kept going back to all the things the Joker described about Arkham.

“So…” He started. Batman glanced over at him. “Joker was telling me about Arkham after you left earlier.”

Batman raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.

“Are we going to do anything about it?” Robin asked.

Batman turned back to the city. “We’re working on the case.”

“No, I mean…with the guards and everything. And how the doctors aren’t actually doing their jobs.” He said.

Batman turned back to him. “What did he tell you?”

“The guards would beat them or look away when a fight started, and they’d take bribes to hurt people in there. And he said-”

“How do you know he’s telling the truth?” Batman cut in.

Robin furrowed his brow. “Why wouldn’t he?”

“The Joker lies about a lot of things, and everything else is equally exaggerated. Not to mention how unreliable his memory is in the first place.” He said. “You can’t trust him _or_ everything he says about Arkham.”

“But what if he’s being honest this time?” Robin stood up from the wall.

“And how can you prove he’s being honest? How do you know?” Batman asked, fully turning to Robin. “What reasons do you have to believe him?”

“There was just too much detail that he remembered for it to _not_ be the truth!”

“Do you really think detail proves anything? You’ve heard stories from liars before - there’s always more detail than normal in their stories in order to make you _believe_ their telling the truth.”

“But what if-”

“ _Robin._ ” Batman growled. Robin stopped. “You _can’t_ trust him.”

The two glared at each other for a moment before Batman turned away.

“I’ll talk to Selina about it.” He said. “If she says any of the same things, then we can trust _her_ word, but we can’t trust his.”

Robin watched him a bit longer before, soon enough, they had to go off and do their jobs as vigilantes.


	17. Let Me Guess...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A semi break chapter focusing on Ed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter update, but I really wanted to write it and it kind of comes back into play later probably

Edward leaned across the white marble-top island in his kitchen, propping himself up on his elbows and a cup of coffee in his hands. He took a good moment to look around the connected living room. Everything was in perfect place as usual - he was certain of that after spending a long hour checking over it all to make sure it was.

In the past, a few friends had commented on how strange it was that, for someone who loved green so much, his entire kitchen and living room were red aside from a few accents of white and dark cherry wood. But it was the simple idea of convenience - the walls were already red, and the cabinets were already painted red, so why should he change them? Instead, he just made everything else red as well. Curtains, sofa, chairs, appliances, dishes - just red. White was saved for the cups and mugs so it even fit with his room (which was all green save for certain gold and walnut accents.) White was a perfect color that could fit in any room, in his opinion. The dark brown hallway with its gold accents worked with white, the bathroom of course worked with white since that was its primary color (and its cream and gold accents), and it even worked in the near empty second bedroom.

Well, it probably worked in the second bedroom. He never entered it and had almost forgotten what it looked like the last time he stepped into it. He used to let his friends stay in there if they really needed to, but trying to get them to keep it the way he wanted it to be never worked, so he just decided to keep the door to it shut and locked so he could, over time, completely ignore it as part of his apartment. It ended up working, and ignoring it kept his apartment looking as clean and perfect as, in his opinion, any good apartment should be.

He certainly liked this apartment more than his last one - partially because that was the one he lived in during college and wasn’t up to his standards of anything. It was just liveable (though it became a lot less liveable at times with Selina and the Joker living there with him for how long that they did.) But after Edward’s father died - _And a good riddance to him,_ Edward thought - and left everything to him, he gave Selina his old apartment and took this one instead.

There was certainly more space to it, and the taller ceilings made him feel even freer. Sure, they had been hard to clean at first, but now with how much he did clean, it wasn’t too bad anymore. Plus, he didn’t have to deal with anyone else living with him - barring, again, from when a friend would have to stay over (most of the times it having been the Joker when the rotation was in place, but that’d been a while ago).

Of course, not living with anyone meant he didn’t have anyone telling him to leave his apartment that often. He was actually quite comfortable staying there alone and never leaving. Sometimes he didn’t leave for days at a time - one time he went a whole week without leaving or really speaking to anyone. It’s not like it mattered anyway. His father had left him a _fortune_ when he died, plus several businesses on top of that (all of which Edward sold.) The only money he didn’t get from the will was from his father’s mansion, and that was only because he burned it down to try and destroy every memory he had of his father and his awful childhood. So, due to all that money, he didn’t need a job, nor did he actually have to do crimes anymore. The last time he did was because Selina needed his help, and he barely got anything out of it in the end. Plus, he wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance to do more anytime soon. He’d heard about the deaths at Arkham and Firefly had told him about how he almost died there too. And that wasn’t even getting to the fact that the Joker asked him and the others to try and keep their crimes to a minimum so they wouldn’t end up in Arkham and risk it.

Edward glanced over at his phone that sat next to his elbow on the near empty kitchen island, sipping his coffee as he did so. It was almost weird having the Joker be the one to tell him not to do crimes. It was his fault Edward was even in this business in the first place.

A sudden knock sounded at the front door, making Edward jump. After a moment’s hesitation as he checked the counter to see if he spilled any coffee (which he didn’t), he set down his cup and went to the door to peer through the peephole. He could barely make out who was there for a moment, only being able to see the top of whoever’s head it was since it seemed like they were pressing their forehead up to the door in frustration (or perhaps they had knocked on the door with their head.) It took Ed barely a moment, though, to put together that the mass of curly red hair leaning against the door was Pamela. It did help that he recognized her voice when she begged him to answer the door with a tired, drawn out “ _Ed..._ ”

He unlocked his door but only opened it a small bit. It was late and he was hoping she didn’t want to come in.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, peering through the crack in the door at her. She twisted her head to face him but didn’t lift her forehead from the door. She held a fern and what she once told him was a plant called a croton, with leaves the colors of green, red, and yellow all at once. Both plants seemed too big for their pots, and they almost looked to be overtaking Pamela as she held them.

A giant frown drew across her face. “My greenhouse got raided by GCPD.”

Edward didn’t respond. He knew what was coming.

“Can I please stay here?” She pleaded.

There it was.

He sighed. “How long?”

“I don’t know.” She said. He clenched his jaw and set his own forehead against the door before shutting his eyes. She scowled. “Oh come _on_ , Ed.”

“What did they even raid your warehouse for?” He asked. Pamela stood up from the door and glanced away sheepishly. Ed gave his own scowl. “You were growing weed again, weren’t you?”

Her mouth hung open and she tried to find some way to refute it. Of course, none came.

“I…” she stuttered for a moment, then sighed. “I was growing a lot of weed okay?”

“Pamela, you _know_ -”

“Look! It’s a plant! How do you expect me _not_ to grow it? I don’t care if it’s illegal.” She scowled again. “And it being illegal makes me want to grow it more!”

“You don’t even use it that much anymore!”

“I _don’t_ care! It’s a plant! I have a problem, and it’s called ‘having an obsession with plants.’” She said. He raised an eyebrow and she rolled her eyes. “Okay, yeah, yeah, not an actual obsession. Sorry. But like-” She shrugged. “-there is a problem. Sort of. Maybe.” She shook her head. “Look! Can I stay here or not?”

He shut the door on her.

“Hey!” She shouted from the other side. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes, then opened the door again.

“Fine, you can stay here.” He said.

Relief washed over her and she moved to enter the apartment. “Thank you so much-”

“But you can’t get any more plants.”

She froze. “What?”

“If you want to put any plants in here-” he motioned to the living room. “-you have to clear it with me.”

She stared at him. “Are you serious?”

“There’s order in this apartment and I’m going to keep it.” He said. “And if it needs to change, it's on my terms only. I don't trust your organizing skills.”

“What if it’s bad for the plant?”

“Then you either keep it in your room or you get rid of it.”

Her mouth dropped open and she stared at him in horror.

“Get _rid_ of a _plant_?” She repeated.

“You heard me.” He replied. “There’s a window in your room that you can keep them by if you can’t part with it.”

She shook her head. “Well, how big’s the window?”

“It’s fine.”

“ _Fine?_ ” She frowned. “Fine is _not_ good enough! There’s a dozen windows in this room alone, and I _know_ they all lead to miniature balconies.”

“Then you can put a couple on the balconies, but I’m not responsible if something happens to one of them.”

“Isn’t there a greenhouse on your roof or something?”

“Yeah, but my neighbor is the only one who uses it, so I’d have to clear it with her.”

She looked even more shocked than before. “ _Share?_ A _greenhouse_?” A scoff. “You expect me to share a greenhouse with someone who probably doesn’t even know how to treat a plant right?”

Edward glared at her. “Trust me. Ms. Tiddles knows what she’s doing. You and your plants will be fine.”

“Bet she doesn’t.” Pamela mumbled, walking fully into the apartment. Edward shut the door behind her and locked it all up again. He glanced back over to Pamela. She eyed the kitchen island closely. Her arms must have been getting tired from carrying the plants, but there was no way Edward was going to let them touched that counter top. It'd get dirt everywhere and that'd just be insulting to all the hard work he did cleaning.

He glanced at his phone that still laid on the island for a moment. “Did you hear about Arkham?”

“Yeah.” Pamela said.

“Did Joker text you about it, too?”

“No, but he told Selina to tell me.” She shrugged. “And through that told me to tell Harley.”

Edward nodded. Pamela glanced at him and he met her eyes.

“Also,” he started, then reached up to the top of the red refrigerator and took the key to the extra room from a small bowl he kept there for it, as well as an extra apartment key. He looked back at Pamela with her full arms, then set the keys in the pot of the fern. She glared at him.

He continued. “I will never enter your room-”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t.” She cut in.

“-And you have to always keep your door shut so I don’t have any issues with how you keep it.”

Her eyebrows creased. “Okay…”

He pointed to the kitchen cabinets. “And you can’t mess with anything in the cabinets without telling me, and don’t touch any of my stuff in the bathroom. I’ll give you something specific to keep your stuff in that needs to stay tidy in some fashion.”

She continued to stare at him, bewildered.

“And you can’t reorganize any of the furniture or buy anymore unless I say so.” He said.

“Uh…” Her mouth hung open.

“I know.” He said. “It’ll take time for you to get used to.”

She let out a curt laugh. “Yeah, no kidding.” She shook her head. “How in the _world_ did you manage to take care of the absolute idiot we call Joker when he stayed here?”

“He mostly slept on the couch and didn't touch anything else.” Edward shrugged. “Whenever he screwed up anything here too bad or he was just...too much on his own, I’d send him to the next person. So in general nothing in this apartment changed much when he was here, so I’m hoping someone with a bit more focus can keep it that way.”

She twisted her mouth. “Fine, okay.”

He gave her a side eyed glance. “It’s not that hard, Pamela.”

“Oh right, _sure_ it’s not.” She rolled her eyes.

“Look, if the Joker could live with it, so can _you_.”

Pamela blinked at him and froze for a moment. “Did you just-?”

“Imply that the Joker can do something that you can’t?” He arched an eyebrow. “Who knows; you have yet to prove you can.”

She watched him for a second longer in shock, then turned away and headed for the spare room. Edward decided to wait until he heard the door shut again to make sure there wasn’t any stray dirt from the plants that fell to the carpet.


	18. What Seems to Be the Problem, Officer?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batman has a conversation with Commissioner Gordon and it makes him rethink things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally took a look at this chapter as I was writing it and thought 'What could make this all go wrong and get worse' and then I made everything go wrong and get worse.

It was the day after Halloween. Yesterday Scarecrow had had a busy night with an attempt to blast Gotham City with fear toxin, which meant an equally busy night for Batman trying to stop him. Robin had been there to help and the Joker...also ’helped.’ Between almost revealing the hole in Scarecrow’s plan to Scarecrow himself (despite Batman explaining to the Joker that they were using that overlooked detail to  _ stop _ Scarecrow) and fighting with Scarecrow in the back of the Batmobile on the way to Arkham, the Joker was more frustrating than helpful. Robin had to resort to separating them in the back with his battle staff, which only mostly worked.

With how intensive the night before was, Batman chose to give Robin the night off and to leave the Joker in the Batmobile for most of the night. It was a choice he was glad to have made once Commissioner Gordon called him to the GCPD rooftop for a conversation halfway through the night’s patrol.

“Tell Jim I said ‘hi’.” The Joker said as Batman left the vehicle parked in an alley close to GCPD.

“No.” He replied.

Soon enough he was on the roof with Gordon, standing close by on the parapet while Gordon watched over the city and smoked. The night was colder than it had been for a while, and with the crispness of the wind, it was certainly a fall night.

“You heard about Arkham?” Gordon asked.

“I’m looking into it.” Batman said, also watching over the city from where they stood.

Gordon sighed. “There’s a lot of people who don’t want you to.”

Batman didn’t reply. Gordon looked at him before shaking his head.

“Don’t know why I bother telling you something like that. You never listen to what anyone else thinks you should do anyway.” Gordon said.

“What do you think about it?” Batman asked.

Another head shake. “You don’t want to know what I think. Especially with who  _ you’re _ working with.”

Batman turned to look at him. Gordon didn’t.

“Dr. Kline-”

“I’m not talking about Dr. Kline.” Gordon cut in.

Silence. Gordon still does not look at him.

“You wanna try explaining it to me or do you just want to keep avoiding the topic?” He asked. Batman paused for a moment, then looked back to the city. Oh how much he’d rather be out on any of those other rooftops than this one.

“How did you find out?” Batman asked.

“Just started noticing certain consistencies in the recent criminal testimonies.” He took another drag of his cigarette before continuing. “Why are you working with Joker?”

“I’m trying to keep him out of Gotham.”

“And what? Chaperone him back in every night for patrol?”

“I’m keeping him away from crime.”

“Sure, by shoving him into it and telling him to play for the other team instead.” Gordon shot a look to Batman. “How well do you think this is gonna work? We both know what he’s capable of. He’s probably just playing you as the fool until he’s got you trusting him enough so he can stab you in the back.” He shook his head. “He’s a type of fire you can’t play with, Batman.”

Batman gave a side eyed glare to Gordon. “I’m not looking for your support.”

“That’s because you’re not looking for reason.” Gordon glared back. “If you were, you’d have listened to your own by now.”

The two watched each other for a moment.

“What’s this whole plan even supposed to do in the end besides wind up with one of you dead?” Gordon asked.

“He’s not going to kill me, Jim.”

Gordon shrugged, though keeping his glare strong on his face. “Sure. Maybe you won’t die.” His eyes narrowed. “But you might  _ just _ end up paralyzed.”

“Barbara's still alive-”

“We’re not talking about her right now.” Gordon stepped towards Batman and made a jab with his finger at him. “I shouldn’t even let you say her name. Not while you’re anywhere  _ near _ that psycho.”

“I’m trying to help him-”

“He doesn’t deserve your help!” Gordon shouted, throwing his arms out. “He doesn’t deserve anyone’s help! What he deserves is to be locked away  _ permanently _ .” Gordon cocked his head. “Is that gonna be part of your plan? Or are you just letting him be free on a leash?”

“I’m keeping an eye on him.”

“So then where is he right now?”

Batman stared at Gordon who stared right on back. After a moment, Gordon took a deep breath and shoved one hand into his coat pocket, then rubbed his forehead with his other hand. The smoke of his cigarette trailed along as he did.

“You know what?” Gordon started. “I don’t care. Go get yourself hurt. You’re not going to listen to me anyway.” He turned to leave, but stopped and looked back at Batman for a moment. “Just don’t let anyone else get hurt because you decided to be an idiot.”

Once again, Batman said nothing. Gordon watched him for a moment longer, then left the rooftop. There was a hesitation as Batman thought it over, then he left the rooftop as well.

Soon enough he was back at the Batmobile. He opened the door and sat down in it, nearly slamming it shut afterwards. The Joker glanced up from his phone when he noticed Batman was taking a while to start up the car.

“So what are we doing?” He asked. Batman didn’t look at him as he finally got around to turning on the engine.

“I’m taking you home.” He replied as the Batmobile came alive and he pulled out of the alley.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted you to do.” The Joker gave him a saccharine smile. When Batman didn’t respond to it, the Joker became puzzled. Usually he’d at least tell him to shut up.

“Are you seriously taking me back?” The Joker asked.

“Yes.”

He glanced out the window, then back to Batman. “Why?”

“You shouldn’t be in Gotham.” He said.

“You know that’s what everyone tells me, but I somehow keep finding ways to worm myself back into it.” The Joker raised an eyebrow. “I thought I was helping you.”

“All this is doing is changing the focus of your violence.” Batman still hadn’t looked at him. “Which isn’t the aim of what I’m trying to do.”

“What?”

“I’ve been trying to get you to stop being violent and dangerous. If I keep bringing you out on patrol, it’s not doing anything to stop that.”

The Joker’s eyebrows furrowed again, more so than before. “But I’m fighting  _ criminals _ .”

“So you’re still fighting.”

“I thought that’s how you stop criminals! What? I can't fight criminals with violence but you can?” He scoffed. “I didn't know bat-themed leotards were so important to who got to beat up who.”

“It’s not helping you, so it shouldn’t be what I’m making you do.”

The Joker held his fingers to his temples, trying to process this new development. “What in the  _ world _ did Gordon say to you to make you totally upend this whole idea? What? Does he  _ know _ now or something? Are you embarrassed that you had to admit to our secret little love affair with Lady Justice?”

“He made me rethink things.” Batman replied.

“No  _ kidding _ he did.” The Joker shook his head. “So...what even  _ is _ your new idea to help me? Are you just going to lock me away even  _ more _ than you already have?”

Batman thought about it for a moment. “If you don’t cooperate, I might have to. I can’t risk you hurting the people I care about.”

“I’ve been fine so far!” He threw his hands up for emphasis as he spoke.

“Because you’ve had a way to redirect your violence.”

“What? Do you think I’m just a ticking time bomb of danger and violence?!”

“ _ Yes _ .”

There wasn’t even a hesitation in the response. The Joker watched him for a moment, brow still creased and mouth agape. He shook his head and collapsed back into his seat to stare out the window.

“At this rate I might as well just be in Arkham again.” He said. “They at least are  _ always _ upfront about wanting to lock me away.”

“You really want that?” Batman replied, shooting a look over to the Joker while he drove.

“You know what? Yeah, I would!” The Joker shouted. “I’d rather risk  _ dying _ in  _ Arkham _ than be stuck under your lock and key like I’m some annoying, talking parrot who just happens to bite people every now and again so you’ve got to keep me alone in my tiny cage with all the toys you think will distract me from my isolated misery.” He threw his arms out. “You can even lie and say it’s all part of your plan to uncover the killer! Shove me in there, wait for me to die, and then see what I was killed with! It’ll be  _ perfect _ for you. I’ll be dead and out of you and everyone else’s hair - no longer a danger to a single person.” The Joker sneered. “And you’ll get to be everyone’s favorite hero again - even more successful since the number one nuisance has been dealt with.”

Batman watched the Joker for a moment, then shifted back to watch the road.

“As long as you’re up for it.” Batman said.

The Joker threw his hands up once more. “Of course I’m up for it! I  _ love _ the idea of dying on your behalf - it’s my entire dream. It’s everything I want. I can’t  _ wait _ to be your guinea pig, your canary in the Arkham coal mine.”

“Great.” Batman said as the Batmobile pulled to a halt and he turned off the engine. He shot a look to the Joker. “Then we’re agreed this is your choice.”

The Joker stared at him as he got out of the vehicle. “Wait, what’s my choice?”

Then the Joker glanced out the passenger window. His eyes landed right on the gates guarding a building whose lights lit up the sides like the bars of a prison cell.

Arkham Asylum.

“No, wait, no-” The Joker inched back from the passenger door right as Batman ripped it open. He caught hold of the Joker’s arm and the Joker tried to pull away. “-Please! No! I didn’t mean it!”

“You’re the one who wanted to do this.” Batman growled before yanking him out of the vehicle. The Joker dropped to the ground for a moment before Batman forced him upright.

“No, you can’t do this! They’ll kill me!” The Joker pushed back against Batman. 

Batman glared at him. “And that’s your fault.”

As Batman dragged the Joker along through the gates and into Arkham, he ignored every attempt the Joker made to fight back against him. Once inside the building, he watched the staff take a moment of pause at the scene. The Joker didn’t pay any attention to him, only trying to get free harder than before.

The Joker shook his head. “You can’t do this-”

“Yes I can.” Batman gave him a side eyed glance. “Besides,  _ you  _ suggested it.”

Several guards rushed over and pulled the Joker away from Batman, who gave him up easily. The Joker shifted his protests to the guards, shouting and kicking at them as they tried to get a proper hold on him. The receptionist shouted something to a nearby nurse, who disappeared off down a hallway. Batman watched it all silently, even as the nurse returned in a sprint with Dr. Kline right behind her.

As soon as Dr. Kline saw the Joker thrashing against the hold of the guards, she froze, then looked at Batman.

“He tricked me! He set me up for this!” The Joker screamed at her as another guard caught hold of him. Dr. Kline’s eyes shot to him, then back to Batman again, only catching a glimpse as his cape flicked out behind him through the door. She hesitated for a moment.

“Sedate him.” She whispered to the nurse next to her. The nurse nodded and rushed over to the Joker as Dr. Kline made a sprint for the door. She barely could spot Batman in the darkness, though managed to see him enough to watch him getting into the Batmobile again. Right as his door shut, she rushed over to the vehicle, slamming her hands down on the hood of it in the exact moment it roared to life.

For a moment, she glared at him through the windshield, face lit up by the lights on the dashboard inside just enough for her to see him watching her too.

Then he pulled the car back and away from her. A pause, then she stood back up straight and glared after him as he drove off.


End file.
